Dear Mia:

Almost 6 years ago, on Dec 20, 2016, you wrote to me: “Anita yes I feel very childlike lately. Like a lost scared child inside“- and you still do,  “managing periods of depression/ anxiety at the moment“. A lost and scared child is also an angry child, crying out loud: WHY AM I ALONE? WHY ISN’T THERE ANYONE WITH ME, HELPING ME???!!!

It’s this angry child-inside that is hurting your boyfriend because she is still scared and alone… she needs help. On Nov 28 2017, you responded to my suggestion that you seek quality psychotherapy this way: “I went to counselling for about a year and a half. I found it helpful but stopped going because I felt like I was just going over the same problems and past hurt again and again… It is great having a counsellor but they aren’t a person in the real world like a  friend – they function in a separate space. I stopped going in April because wanted to build relationships in the ‘real world’ but have got nowhere“-

-well, you found a relationship in the real world a year and a half ago, the most loving you ever had… but you are still anxious, angry, still so very sad, and you are afraid to lose this special relationship because of your expressed anxiety and anger. Is it time now to seek quality psychotherapy, so to save your relationship and to help the lost, anxious, sad and angry child inside, as much as it is possible to help her?

anita

Dear Mia:

You are welcome. “I feel like I need tools“- I recommend that you use the NPAR tool, or skill. It stands for Notice (when you feel anxious and/ or angry in regard to your boyfriend), Pause (do nothing: do not call him or text him and relax best you can); Address the situation (what happened? Should I respond, or not? If I should respond, what should my response be?); next Respond- or not, and finally, Redirect your attention elsewhere.

In the Address part of the NPAR, a cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) exercise can help: you start with writing down how you feel (anxious, angry, etc.), then you write down a few thoughts that are involved with that feeling (ex., he didn’t text me all day, he doesn’t care about me!); next, you evaluate your thoughts for truth vs. possible distortions (ex., maybe he didn’t text me because he is busy, maybe he is afraid of an argument, maybe I am jumping to conclusions/ assumptions here, maybe I should text him and ask him how he is doing.. in a non-accusatory way). After you correct your thoughts/ check your assumptions so that your thoughts match reality, you will feel better.  If you want me to help you with this type of exercise in regard to a real-life situation with your boyfriend, let me know.

anita