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Keep breaking up with my boyfriend! Help!

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Viewing 11 posts - 1 through 11 (of 11 total)
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  • #166702
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Amaya,

    This is a very unhealthy and toxic relationship. The person, you need to work on is you. Until you get you fixed, no relationship will work out. You must get into professional counseling and/or anger management to work on your verbally abusive and physically abusive issues. A relationship won’t fix you, more sex won’t fix you or make things better. You have to begin by loving yourself, only then will you be complete in order to fully love a man. This may begin with Psychotherapy, if you have any unresolved issues from your childhood, making you lash out verbally and physically, cognitive behavior therapy as well. But unless, you change and work on these issues, nothing will get better. Nobody deserves to be verbally humiliated, emotionally and physically abused and kicked or hit.

    #166704
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Amaya:

    You wrote: ” i wished he would put more energy into complimenting me instead of making jokes about me”- I would like to understand this better, and so I ask: can you share an example or two of jokes he made about you?

    I would like to comment further, following your response.

    anita

    #166774
    Amaya
    Participant

    Thanks so much for your response Eliana. I agree with you fully he doesn’t deserve it. I do feel like I need to love myself more and not seek his validation so much but sometimes he can be so rejecting and I really struggle…

     

    anita – jokes will be something like, if we go out to eat and I start eating first he will say something like “gosh calm down it’s not going anywhere” or recently there was a video of me dancing, and he said “you actually look like you dance in that video, for once in your life” ….. stuff like that just riles me!

    #166782
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Amaya,

    Have you ever heard the term “passive aggressive” behavior? Basically these are “verbally abusive insults, descized as “jokes” by a chronically unhappy person (your boyfriend) as a way to make you feel bad about yourself or belittle you. Then when you confront them about it, they will say “I was just joking!! You are overreacting! (another put down in a form of emotional abuse). Or, if you ask them them something, they will say “whatever!” or “I’m not mad” or they will try to place the blame on you, making you look like the bad guy.

    This happens everywhere. In the workplace, in frienships, families, etc. There are excellent self help books on Amazon or library/book stores on how to deal with passive aggressive behavior, and verbal abuse. I do feel the best thing is to take a break from each other and work on these issues, or go into couples counseling together. But that is only if you and he want to change. x

    #166786
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Amaya:

    Those jokes are not funny, as far as I am concerned, not at all. I would be offended by them if I was you and seems like you are offended as well. His joke about your eating is particularly offensive and harmful, because of your eating disorder. As one with lots of disordered eating history myself, I would be so very much troubled by this one.

    You wrote: “He is a great guy and when were having fun he’s amazing’- well, his jokes are not such that a great guy would say.

    Don’t you think that he needs to acknowledge this behavior and change it immediately?

    anita

    #166792
    Amaya
    Participant

    Thanks for both your responses, i really really appreciate it.

    I feel i’ve exhausted all avenues if i’m honest. I’ve politely told him that his jokes offend me. I’ve screamed and shouted and broken up with him about it. I’ve tried to stay calm and ignore it. A year in a and he still does it. He makes me feel even more pathetic for bringing it up by saying I can’t take a joke and then throws in my face that “i’ve said worse.” I really don’t know what to do.

    Anita – you say: Don’t you think that he needs to acknowledge this behavior and change it immediately?

    How do i do that? I’ve mentioned it so many times in such a range of different ways!

    #166856
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Amaya:

    I re-read your original post in light of recent posts. This is my understanding of the relationship:

    1. Regarding the issue of physical affection, you being significantly more tactile and sexual than he is: if you are choosing to be in a relationship with him, then this is something you have to accept about him, no longer trying to change about him (patiently or impatiently), no longer complaining to him about it and, no longer mistreating him over it by saying “I’ve had more adventurous sex with other people than you”. It is not his fault or his wrong doing, not being as tactile or sexual as you are, and so, it is wrong for you to behave with him as if he was doing you wrong.

    2. Regarding the issue of aggression- it is practiced on both sides, in both directions. You screamed at him, kicked and hit him. And he is aggressive toward you with his repeating joking and with his tone of voice. These jokes are verbal acts of disrespect and mistreatment of you. They are not “the smallest things” you referred to. The fact that he jokes in a similar way with all his friends only means that they too are willing (and shouldn’t be willing) to be mistreated by him.

    In your last post you asked how do you make him stop this joking. You can offer him what I call “a zero aggression policy” in your relationship: no aggression on either side. No overt aggression and no convert aggression, no aggression hidden in a brand of humor and no aggression as audible as shouting. None.

    If the two of you cannot maintain such a policy, better end the relationship.

    anita

    #166876
    Amaya
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    Thanks for your advice. I do feel like I haven’t been able to see any changes in our relationship because I haven’t made changes from my end. I’ve listed thing after thing wrong with my boyfriend and have snapped when I haven’t seen the results I have sought. I have spoken to my boyfriend and we’re both planning to make more of an effort to work on how we communicate with each other. He has said he is aware that he is rude to me and will work on this.

    What im planning to do is have a period of 6/8 weeks where I am making active changes from my end and instead of snapping at every little thing, and threatening to leave, I’ll try to be calmer. If by the end of this period I feel that he is still being rude to me and treating me in a way I don’t like, then I will end the relationship. From my perspective I understand that the constant threat of me breaking up with him has made him colder and less trusting towards me (hence the rudeness) and I have allowed this to continue with my cycle of abuse and breaking up with him. If I can have a prolonged period where I’m taking positive steps from my end, and the problems persist, I will feel more comfortable about walking away as I know I would have tried my best to fix things.

     

     

    #166886
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Amaya:

    Reads like sensible thinking and a sensible plan on your part. The abuse in the “cycle of abuse” you mentioned needs not just to be worked on, as your boyfriend suggested regarding his part in it. It needs to be stopped altogether on both sides. I hope you post again regarding the execution of your plan. I hope good things happen.

    anita

    #166900
    Amaya
    Participant

    Thanks for great advice and for being non judgemental – I’m glad I came here!! Will give you an update in due course

    #166906
    Anonymous
    Guest

    You are welcome, Amaya. Looking forward to your update.

    anita

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