Just thought I've got some enlightenment, then it happens ;)

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This topic has 4 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 9 months ago by Purpose.

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February 19, 2014 at 12:42 am #51312

ohwell
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Oh well,

Approaching 40 years of age, almost 10 years into a happy marriage and several years into this enlightenment and shit – which I really enjoy. What next is one of the last things I would expect to happen to myself.

Of late, I often think about another person not my wife. She knows I’m married and so, has never expressed any special feelings towards me explicitly. We exchange text messages several times a week, more or less in terms of frequency and intensity. Absolutely no sex or whatever, but the fact that I don’t want my wife to know about these sorts of communication (it’s the only secret I have – apart from me still wetting pants until age 5) tells me something’s not right.

I know the only place to seek peace and love is within myself.. and have experienced that to some extent, through meditation and some fractal enlightenment and shit (you know what I mean too well, being a reader of tinybuddha.com)

I’m sure while I can not bring joy and happiness to everyone on earth, I definitely do not want to hurt people. I know my wife will be hurt, myself will be hurt and the other person will be hurt if this spirals into anything bigger.

I know that our marriage, probably not the best one on earth, is a happy and peaceful one. My wife is not exactly on the same ‘spiritual’ path as I am, but expecting her to be something other than herself is just meaningless and greedy. I love having a walk with her, I love sharing time with her, I love our attempt to be honest with each other and with each own self in all other aspects – oh well it’s been quite a journey but I’m happy with where we are now. I love the way we learn to accept each other as we are, not through expectations and desires, and so accepting the differences that arise here and there, now and then.

I know that it’ makes no sense to even think about a love affair, whether or not it’s reciprocated from the other side is a different story. There are millions of practical reasons, but at least I know I’m not going to play the role the other person is expecting from her would-be partner. Thanks to this enlightenment and shit.. at least I’m honest with myself here.

But somehow I keep thinking about her here and there, now and then.

When I drive northbound, that thought comes: If I keep driving this way for another 30 minutes I’ll be hugging her in my arms.

Sometimes when I share a happy moment with my wife, that thought comes. That she deserves this happiness too. That how happy she’ll be if I bring her here and open my heart, share my presence with her in the same way. That thought takes away the ‘moment’ – luckily it doesn’t happen very often and I’m the ‘present’ hubby most of the time (hopefully)

When I scroll through her Facebook updates, something touches my heart, very subtly but can’t pretend it’s not there.

And so on and so forth.

And to put all the above again in context, I live a happy married life most of the time. Last time we had a row was already last year, and we have only a handful of challenging times during our near 10-year marriage. Friends even look at us with envy. We are even proud of that.

It’s a good relief to put it here. I know it’s also a good test to my determination on my journal to enlightenment and shit 😉 so I’ll keep breathing into it and use all what I’ve learned to face it in a peaceful way.

This little story of mine doesn’t keep me too busy to say thank you for your time reading the post and metta to everyone else on earth.

So.. thanks for your time reading the post and metta! 🙂

February 19, 2014 at 8:10 am #51332

Mark
Participant

ohwell,
I can relate on finding another woman who is more fill-in-the-blank than my spouse.

When I awoke to myself, I realized I craved the spiritual, emotional, physical, and sexual intimacy that I was missing in my marriage.

I keep trying to co-create that with my wife but she was not interested. When I realized that I could not change myself enough not to want it and that my wife did not want to be so intimate with me like that, I divorced.

What helped me to that decision was I kept reaching out to women who could provide that to me. I knew it was wrong but I was a man dying of thirst. I did not like compromising my integrity like that. Later I realized I was trying to be in integrity with my soul.

Now I am single and I have several good male and female friends who provide great spiritual and emotional sustenance. I hug all of them as well.

What I am trying to convey is that it is nice to have an “other woman” in your life to provide that spiritual juice that is missing from your wife however I believe if you wish to stay in your marriage there are other ways to get that without getting into an emotional affair.

Metta,
Mark

February 19, 2014 at 8:51 am #51335

Matt
Participant

Ohwell,

Congrats on your enlightenment and shit, eating and pooping as it were. Consider that perhaps you have a little judgment for your wife, some consideration of her as less developed, and perhaps this leads you to undervalue her. My wife is similar to yours, in that she doesn’t necessarily dive headfirst into the fractalverse and attempt to sail. Instead, she butters the toast, sings her song, and steps forward with courage where she is, with what she sees. When I overinflate the value of being “awake” or a “spiritual dude”, when I look at her, I see her wrinkles and folds as distracting, mushy, ugly. When I have an appropriate consideration for what is actually sharing peace, sharing joy, opening the space, and whatnot, I can very clearly see how sparkling and magical she really is.

Perhaps she can’t quote Buddha, but her light very clearly is shared with others.

Another thing that came to heart is that you seem to have an adversarial view of your behaviors. Consider that the allure of another woman isn’t for “no reason” or even “bad reasons”, just exactly the reasons they are there. In my opinion, your view has placed a veil between you two, such as your texting and hugging of another. In your mind, this places a distance between you two, because she knows you less. So, you feel less confident just being who you are, of inviting her into your sacred garden, of becoming one in mind, body and spirit. This sharing is very reasonably wanted on your side, and so you seek it elsewhere. Sometimes other women, perhaps food, wine, movies, sporting events or whatever. Something real and tangably connected to you.

There is no shame in what you’ve been doing, dear brother. Consider that you have a choice, however. If what you’re seeking is genuine connection, then you have to stop the deception and betrayal. (Even in the gentle shades you describe, its troubling to your spirit). Said differently, If you want to find a deeper feeling of being at home with your wife, cut the crap. Figure out what it is that this other woman provides that you’re not finding at home, and ask for it, look for it, grow it. She is far stronger and more alert than you give her credit is my guess.

Or, if it isn’t what you’re looking for, do her the honor of letting her find someone that does love to sing along with her tune. Its true, you can’t force a person to grow, and it is not in our righteous desire to force people to grow. But neither are we stuck, destined to live out some dissonant pattern because there is no way out. There is always a path to joy, brother, and it almost always takes a ton of courage.

That being said, this path isn’t about either of the women, not really. Its about you and your peace of mind. Making decisions that honor others is better for us, less troubling, less disturbing. So, when I say “stop keeping one foot in and one foot out” isn’t because I see you as doing your wife an injustice, its because you’re doing yourself an injustice.

Namaste, brother, may you find peace and light.

With warmth,
Matt

February 21, 2014 at 3:54 am #51500
ohwell
Participant
Oh wow,

2 thoughtful answers within a short time. I feel honored and grateful. Indeed.

It is through your responses that I’ve had another chance to look at the situation (or my view of the situation) and would like to add some thoughts:

– When I try to analyze myself, I think what allures me is the image of the other person projected in my ‘fantasies’, not her real self. And because we almost have no chance to see each other in person, the ‘fantasies’ grows. Facebook and text messages are those very effective ‘fertilizers’.
– On the same analysis, I know that the other person is struggling in her personal life, facing loneliness, boredom and social pressure to have a ‘relationship.’ I do want to reach out to her, just as anyone else who’s suffering. It’s just this situation that makes it complicated. Oh well, that may be an excuse for my affection you may say (and I can’t deny)..

– I do agree with @amatt, the best way to deal with it is to “figure out what it is that this other woman provides that you’re not finding at home, and ask for it, look for it, grow it.” What makes it tricky here is that I can’t be sure to myself what it is. It’s most likely that I’m unconsciously projecting all the qualities that I feel missing from my wife on to the other person – while deep down inside I know it’s meaningless. We are who we are, after all. The next best thing may be to accept ourselves as we are, no more no less. With this achieved, there is less expectations and hence less ‘missing qualities’ and projections. I believe this will gradually come through meditation, compassion and love. Also “a ton of courage.”

@markwillhelp: thank you for your response. Thank you. Thinking again it may not be “that spiritual juice that is missing from my wife” – it may be all those “missing qualities” that I mentioned above, which I know more than anyone else, is a mere illusion. The other person, to my best knowledge, is just as materialistic as anyone amongst us – so at least I have no illusion that I’m seeking any spiritual juice there. Other juice, perhaps 😉

@amatt: thank you for your response. Thank you. Admittedly, you’re right to mention my “consideration of her as less developed” – yes it does happen and it’s one of the very first traps of the ‘enlightenment and shit’ symptom. My favorite quote is one of Japanese Zen master Oda Sesso (1901-66), who warned, “There is little to choose between a man lying in the ditch heavily drunk on rice liquor, and a man heavily drunk on his own ‘enlightenment’!” – rest assured I’m working on that!

I can not disagree either that the situation makes me “feel less confident just being who I am” – yes this may be one of the very few things that challenge my equanimity. Again I believe this can be overcome through meditation, compassion and love, gradually, over time.

This too, shall pass. All these text messages, all these fantasies shall pass, one way or another, started from one person or another. For better or worse. The only thing I’m sure about is my commitment to peace of mind, for myself and all those around me, starting with the two women.

Metta,
- This reply was modified 10 years, 9 months ago by ohwell.
February 24, 2014 at 10:15 am #51645

Purpose
Participant

Hello der…! i guess u r too much thinking on this issue…u r alreay on a great path n that too very early..i must say that ! hope u get more clear with yourself in future… all j need to say is that… we all are humans…we need love… sometimes attention , advise, friendships,care,is misinterpret as love or may say attraction ! You must see ur wife..she is your better half.. anyone whos ur acquaintence should not be so imp. or may say be der on your mind any time! And may be des feelings are just d part of help u want to do to her… I guess more thinking would give u more clarity… i wud just advise..please be Honest towards dat wonderful lady who is your wife… rest no one is important in comparison with her ! 🙂
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