Dear hopeful123:

You wrote: “he finds it hard to communicate and gets frustrated when I try to talk about this stuff.”

Did you and him attend counseling together with a competent therapist so that the two of you learn how to communicate in a way that is not threatening or frustrating to him? It can be as simple as a problem with the communication itself. For example, when you tell him you are lonely, you may say (just an example): you are making me feel lonely. And he feels you are blaming him and feeling guilty he can’t attend to the issue. Is that a possibility, the skill of communication not being effective, something that could be fixed with couple therapy where the two of you will learn to communicate effectively?

anita

Dear hopeful123:

In your first line above you wrote that a few years back you did go to counseling but he hated it. Are you referring to the volunteers from church counseling?

If it was a different counseling a few years ago, can you write what was the nature of that counseling? And what he hated about it?

I am asking these questions because your user name is “hopeful” and you wrote in the original post that you are not sure separating is the right thing, so you have conflicted feelings, so I am trying to gather information-

if you want to proceed with my gathering information effort, can you write more about what do you think the problem is, where it originates? Did you feel the connection you are looking for before you met him? With the guy you had the affair with? What was the nature of that intimacy and why did those relationships (where you did experience the intimacy you needed) end?

anita

Dear hopeful123:

You are welcome. I think that what you are looking for in a relationship with a man is that deep, very deep need you had as a child, a need that was unsatisfied then. There is no need stronger than the need of a child to be connected to a parent. It is a biological need as strong as the need to survive. It exists in animals too. So that strong need you had as a child was not fulfilled. You were a scared, alone child with a desperate need to feel connected, protected.

You still need this feeling of being connected. Problem is, this need cannot be fully satisfied unless you could go back in time, be a child again, and have a different parent (at least one) who, this time, will love you, attend to you, make you feel safe in her arms.

This is why I think good psychotherapy with a competent therapist will help you process those intense unmet childhood need to be safe. This will make it possible for you to settle (yes, settle) with what a relationship with a man can give you-

It can’t give you THAT safety, the safety of a child in her mother’s arms (or father’s arms).

I don’t know about your husband’s … inadequacies or challenges, but no matter who the man is, other than temporary feel-good period of time, you can’t have a satisfactory relationship with a man until you heal from your childhood wounds, the wounds of hurt and fear and anger, for being unattended to, unseen, unloved.

anita

Dear hopeful:

You are on the healing path (the one I am on). I know this because you wrote: “Slowly slowly I will heal”- and slow is exactly what it is, very slowly. This very word, slow (healing) is what i thought about on my walk only an hour ago, before reading your post. I thought how indeed slow it is. It requires a lot of patience and gentleness with yourself. It is not easy work as you know.

When you are on the healing path, healing that wounded inner child, as you called it, you will experience pain but there is light at the end of the tunnel, there is hope for love and a better life.

To not heal is to suffer with no light at the end of the tunnel, no hope for love and a better life.

Did you share your healing with your husband? Did you tell him about your wounded inner child and what she went through? If you did, how did he respond?

anita

Dear hopeful123:

You are welcome.

I would like to check with you if I understand correctly, so let me know if the following is correct:
You told him about your childhood, the abuse you suffered at the hands of your parents and how much it hurt you. One way he responded was feeling anger at your parents. Another way he responded was to tell you that you should “get over” your abusive childhood. Is that correct?

I also have a few questions: if the latter is correct, did he suggest how you should “get over” it?

Did you mean by “these conversations” that freak him out, being you telling him about your abusive childhood/ wounded inner child? Or do you mean conversations about the relationship with him? Or both?

How much of a conversation is there before he takes off?

anita

Dear hopeful123:

Take a break then, for the rest of the work day. And for as long as you need to.

Seems to me that the situation is a combination of your issues and his issues. Two separate things: you came into the relationship with your issues, and he came into the relationship with his issues.

As far as his issues, the fact that he has been oblivious to you not being happy in the relationship for so long is suspect, suspect of blindness on his part, a blindness he came to the relationship with, a blindness he doesn’t want to face and that is why he leaves when something he doesn’t want to see, needs to be seen.

His childhood, which he told you was so healthy, was probably not that great and he is blind to it. It is likely that it is that blindness (so common in adult children regarding their childhood) that he brought with him to the relationship with you.

His telling you that you are now an adult and need not look into the past- well, this is what he is doing, blind to his past and so he keeps himself blind to the present. This is the cost for not seeing the past for what it is.

It is not only that he can’t fix you, he will not fix himself. Problem is the focus of the one needs fixing is on you when reality, it is both you and him that need fixing.

As difficult as you may be to live with possibly, at the least you have been looking honestly at your past and are willing to heal yourself while he has not.

At this point, it is my impression that a healthy relationship between the two of you is not a probability.

Post anytime, or later, when you feel better.

anita