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July 2, 2018 at 8:50 am #215119
DerekParticipantThank you anita,
I will try to stay strong.
I feel like a break up is imminent to release me from this anxious hold.
I hope I can lead with love and hold on to this amazing love I have built.
July 4, 2018 at 2:39 am #215311
AnonymousGuestDear Derek:
You are welcome. I don’t know if by the time you are reading this, you still feel that “a breakup is imminent”, but if you do, I agree that it may be what you need, not because he is a bad guy or that you don’t love him, but because your anxiety has been too intense and too long in the context of this relationship. Your anxiety has been flourishing in the context of your relationship.
A break up will not remove your anxiety permanently, it will not heal you from anxiety, but it will probably give you some much needed relief. And you do need relief.
Please let me know of our current thoughts and feelings and if you shared them with him.
anita
July 4, 2018 at 6:17 am #215347DerekParticipantHi Anita,
Like a wave that passed, the break up no longer feels imminent. In fact, I felt more at ease and relaxed and think that I am calming down. I don’t really know what to do because I feel like these anxious spikes are becoming very difficult.
However, there was one difference yesterday – I wasn’t bored. In my current job I am bored and not intellectually stimulated and that is when I have time to ruminate. Today I am bored again, but feel more capable to stand up and accept the intrusive thoughts so ´maybe he is not the one, and maybe this is telling me to move on’ is being answered back with ‘or maybe that is the past rearing it’s head and asking you to heal it. You grew up in an unstable and unhealthy environment and you are recreating this in your anxious state, but really you will be come more acquainted to real life and what’s more ordinary life.’
It’s curious how it works – I really do appreciate your advice and spiked reading this, but in a weird way it’s encouraging me to remember why I won’t break up and why I need to keep strong and calm. No googling. No nothing.
Of course I spoke with him, I spoke with him and hugged him. I hugged him hard because that was how I felt I could connect more. As always, he was supportive and understanding.
But of course, I am still wondering.
July 4, 2018 at 6:19 am #215349DerekParticipantAlthough, I do think I may have had a panic attack on Monday. For some reason I opened Facebook and went to his page (i dont have facebook).
I saw old photos and thought ‘you would never have found him attractive back then’ then a voice of reason ‘but i love him and don’t want to leave him’ and I thought I was going to burst into tears.
So that was challenging.
July 4, 2018 at 6:44 am #215353AnonymousGuestDear Derek:
Maybe it comes down to, or will come to what you value more, love or fear.
If you value love way more, and you choose sides, so to speak, that is, choose the side of love, then you can be stronger when fear spikes, and when fear says: “you would never have found him attractive back then”
You say something stronger than: “but I love him and don’t want to leave him”, bursting into tears.
You can say instead, in a confident, strong voice: “I love him, so take a hike, fear, go away!”
And you react this way again and again and again, until you get used to reacting this way.
anita
July 4, 2018 at 6:46 am #215355DerekParticipantHi Anita,
Yes – that is what I am trying. Fear is very very convincing.
I am at the point where fear says ‘it’s gone on so long it must be true’ and then I think if I can stay in the present and not run away into future or past worries then I will be ok.
Panic and obsessive thoughts, I will confront them. In fact later we will go to the beach and I will relax. With my book, my diary and him. All will be ok.
Whatever happens I will find a way to be ok.
July 4, 2018 at 7:00 am #215361AnonymousGuestDear Derek:
I like your attitude in your recent post: “Whatever happens I will find a way to be ok.”
Let the sun on the beach melt that fear. The heat of the sun does that. It is one of those heavenly breaks I took, under the sun with the sounds of the waves in the background, the feel of the sand.
anita
July 4, 2018 at 7:05 am #215363DerekParticipantThanks Anita,
I am trying to be calm because I can feel the panic.
It’s like I am looking for someone to say: ‘you are insane’ or ‘you know the real answer’
When really this is years of suffering coming to a head and I am healing, it’s just uncomfortable.
I am trying to avoid daydreams about what I would do if I were single again such as pay the rent, and dating. Both of which feel so bizarre now, it’s like he is a part of me and that is it.
July 4, 2018 at 7:16 am #215371AnonymousGuestDear Derek:
“he is part of me and that is it”- in that conversation I imagined, between you and fear, this is something you can say to fear every time it says anything at all to you, in regard to your partner. Say to it:
He is part of me and that is it!
I like it, that you will end any potential conversation this way, before it begins.
anita
July 4, 2018 at 7:36 am #215375DerekParticipantYes – that’s a good idea.
I will try my best. Now fear tries to convince me that I don’t mean that. But I’m smiling. We are going to the beach in 2 hours – how amazing that we can even say that. His family are coming for dinner this Sunday – how lucky we are to be able to enjoy that. He built a beautiful display for the new plants and flowers we bought for our terrace – I never thought I could ever ever have said that. How creative, thoughtful and intelligent.
Take all of that fear.
July 4, 2018 at 7:51 am #215381AnonymousGuestDear Derek:
Through all your posts it read consistently to me that your partner is a good, decent, loving and intelligent and creative person. The most lovable thing about a person, really, is his (or her) ability to love, to express his love kindly, never aggressively, and consistently so. There is nothing more desirable in another person than what I just stated.
anita
July 4, 2018 at 8:03 am #215383DerekParticipantHi Anita,
Thank you for your kind words.
One question, do you think that my messages provide the same description about myself towards him?
July 4, 2018 at 8:20 am #215387AnonymousGuestDear Derek:
Yes I do think the same of you, this is why I didn’t recommend that you end the relationship with him so to protect him from you. (I have made such a suggestion in quite a few other threads, suggesting to the original poster to end a relationship with another person, so to protect that other person).
anita
July 4, 2018 at 8:25 am #215389DerekParticipantDear Anita,
You mean you have recommended people end relationships? That’s an interesting insight.
Someone just asked me to take a photo of them and the front camera was on and I think the positive attitude helped above because I actually thought ‘Hey you don’t look that bad, quite attractive’
Then the intrusive came ‘You look better than him, you can do better, maybe you need someone more attractive’.
And I am just sitting here not panicking, trying to just stand up to fear and say hey I don’t need thoughts like that.
July 4, 2018 at 8:35 am #215393AnonymousGuestDear Derek:
I believe many relationships should be ended, of course, when abuse is involved, disrespect, when it harms at least one of the two people involved.
By the way, did we talk about how powerless thoughts in themselves are? If thoughts were powerful (without action such as in producing a movie and only in the context of the movie) there would be dinosaurs still walking around us and zombies and giant spiders as well as well, anything and everything imaginable.
anita
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