Hi Anita,

That is something I will consider for sure. I think I am slowly becoming more aware.

Today for example, I am calm. Then, I spoke to a friend of mine from University who is completing her Masters. Now she is going to do a PhD in September. I immediately felt panic, and felt that I needed to look at University rankings. I felt panic that the UK will be ‘better’ for opportunities in the future and that I am crazy to do further study in Spain. That, I should end the relationship because if I move away it will be too hard to continue, so my heart pounds because I don’t want the relationship to end as I love him.

I can’t help but all of these feelings are too rooted in childhood. The fear is future, the thought is ‘better in UK’ when in actual fact wherever I do further study will have positives and negatives. I imagine the comparison comes from childhood too. That I feel pressure because I have decided not to study until 2019, because I want to save money (my financial situation) and also because I want to keep going to therapy and learning. But, I overvalue myself on education, then thoughts creep in about his ‘lack of academic education’.

Life is so much more than this. This is my second day at home resting because of the stomach bug and instead of resting I am researching and thus making myself feel bad.

Derek

Hi Anita,

That all makes sense. I will attempt to do that.

I think I have to accept that I am in anxious mode, for example, I want to google Masters in the ‘best universities’ in the UK because I feel it will provide me with a ‘better future’ and ‘career opportunities’, even though that would mean at the sacrifice of a very important relationship.

Anita,

i hope that you are well.

I come to write today from a sad place indeed. I am tired, worn out mentally, scared, lost. However I briefly read through the last few messages and feel a bit brighter, I DIDNT RESEARCH. Progress.

This week has has been filled with uncertainty from my side. Like a sinking feeling in my stomach, and I am trying to let it go. Yesterday I felt clear again. But stressful moments at work made me feel down (I’m not very fulfilled with my job but of course am doing my best to stay calm there and appreciate it for what it is).

After language class last night, I went for pizza with some classmates. (I was nervous about going, well I had an intrusive thought because sometimes I fear doing things without him which is why I went, it’s heslthy to form relationships, friendships). A girl there was talking about her relationship with her very attractive lawyer boyfriend. They are in crisis. They are moving to her country of origin where he doesn’t speak the language or have a job in the fall. She seemed nervous. Anyway, I told her not to worry, doubts are normal. I shared some examples. Then the trigger came.

She asked how long long we had been together. I told her and she said

“I would explore that more. So many doubts, I don’t think that’s normal. Doubting you love someone after nearly 3 years. The only people I have ever doubted are the ones who were not right for me”.

And with that. I froze. I felt horrendous. Really scared. Although part of me thought “she’s not right, this is my relationship and we are ok” that didn’t last. Fast forward 30 mins I’m on a bus home and almost crying.

I reaxh out to some friends/my brother:

– feel like I have nobody to talk to about it.

– thinking maybe psychotherapy will be better than my current therapy

– feeling that maybe I’m just not ready for all of this. That all of my old wounds need to be worked on before I can be with someone.

– maybe I should just go travel and study elsewhere and just love in peace alone.

Etc.

I got home. There is was. And I cried. I cried like I had never cried in years and years. He held me. I explained “I feel like I’m hurting you. Like you deserve better. Like I don’t know what my options are in this country. I’m fed up with work. I’m fed up with doubting and feeling scared.

Youre my my best friend and I don’t want to lose you but I’m not sure how long I can go on feeling like this. I feel completely insane.” And I cried for about 10 mins and we lay together. He was calm. He supported me. He listened.

I woke up now. Still not feeling great. Still worrying about the guy in the office and the fact he was in a dream again. Even though now that had calmed down – I really must express that this guy is much younger and really I think it’s sheer boredom on my part at work. But it’s intrusive. It’s scaring me.

But. I didn’t google. I wanted to and I didn’t. I did this Monday – Wednesday but not last night. This week when I was tired of googling I looked for stuff for us to do as a couple. Better use of my energy.

I ahould note note that I will have lived here a year this Monday June 11th. My year anniversary of finishing university has just passed. I’ve also felt very deep thougjys about my family etc.

Thank you for your time as always.

Hi Anita,

Thanks for your response.

I have just been thinking things like when the dog was left at home ‘Well your Mother left you too’.

Or in general thinking about my Father, and how we had no relationship.

I will avoid talking about doubts. I have booked a session with a Psychotherapist and am going to try that instead of my current therapy.

Hi Anita,

Hope this message finds you well.

I got to a psychotherapist this week. It was helpful, definitely can see how I catastrophize and how my internal dialogue can be very very ongoing.

Im feeling a bit weird today and yesterday at home.

I’ve had a very positive week:

wednesday: we went to a concert. I felt v in love and secure in life. I told him. The little things he does that maybe annoy me didn’t annoy so much. I was worried about having photos together. In case we don’t look good. I took photos so as not to feed the anxiety. Then I criticised myself and in a roundabout way him (he’s not attractive “enough”)

thursday: I got a job offer and accepted. Was very happy and couldn’t wait to get home to celebrate with him. I also finished my language course so went out with my friends after receiving our final grades. I had some alcohol, not a lot, but I did notice I wasn’t stopping so I forced myself to leave early to be careful.

Friday: nervous to tell my job about the fact I was quitting. Met him for a coffee. Was worried about attraction…do I fancy him “enough”. Friday night however we went to the cinema and I felt calmer and clearer and in the street had to stop to tell him I thought he was very handsome.

During the day he told me he was worried about his weight and I just had to tell him I don’t care if he puts weight on, I love him the same (weight issues do trigger me but i don’t want him to feel worse about a fact that can happen to anyone).

Saturday: When he came home from work I was very happy to see him. Then something changed. same doubts about attraction. I had bought new clothes and enjoyed trying them on to show him. In the evening as soon as we left the house I felt calm. We went to the beach to watch a live concert (even though my anxiety says he never finds music events…) and on the beach I felt so calm I kissed him and told him I loved him and he looked so handsome.

Sunday: back to very nervous feelings and particularly think that he maybe is too skinny because now I seem to find muscly and straight men attractive.  He went shopping and when he came home wanted to try on for me. So he did, and he looked great but I’m worried because even though he looked good I felt that there was something missing. And it makes me sad.

I shojld add that this this morning (Sunday) I woke earlier and when he was waking I ran to see him. I told him all the qualities I loved about him and felt so happy. Now I’m back to where I was being grumpy and unsure.

I’m even asking fear to show me what it’s afraid of. I’m asking myself the tough questions “Do you think you’re not attracted anymore?” “Would you think it’s better for you to break up?” But those questions don’t even feel like a reality.

Feeling confused and would appreciate some advice.

Hi Anita,

Thanks for your response. I really do appreciate them. I still am in a loop of anxiety – wondering if maybe I love him as a friend and not a lover. What does that even mean? A friend is a great place to be in, so why cause me panic.

The anxiety just doesn’t stop. It’s not even a sense of dread, just constant thinking. Fear, pure fear.

I am trying not to research. I googled today ‘Flinch when I see my photos’ and of course there were articles about ‘flinch when my partner touches me’ so I opened it. I don’t flinch when he touches me. Sex is enjoyable, and sometimes not, I think we have too many expectations around sex.

I am going to ask about that in the psychotherapy. I am still considering seeing the other psychologist too.

derek

Hi Anita,

Thanks for that. I will definitely try and take more heavenly breaks.

I am doing my best today. It has been on my brain a bit – and for some reason I just saw some old photos of him on social media and I heard a voice:

‘You would just never be attracted to him, you’re just not’

Then I saw a different one and wanted to burst into tears because all I could think was:

‘I love him so much’.

I’m beginning to wonder if maybe it’s all true and I have been blind all this time. So tempted to google about what I am experiencing but fighting myself not to.

I hope you enjoy the break.

derek