Hi Anita,

Thank you for this. This has opened my eyes.

I never thought that actually this can happen to anyone and of course at varying levels.

I really appreciate you taking the time to respond and help.

Another thing I worry about is finances.

So I am interviewing for a job that will pay less than my current but potentially is more in line with where I want to take future studies etc. Basically my current employer pays badly too, and the job is quite boring. The new one pays less but should give me more appropriate experience.

Obviously this is something that has come up at home, and he believes the other job if it will make me happier it is worth the pay cut because happiness is more important. Then we discussed salaries and I realised that he earns as little as the new job and I feel nervous. I feel scared about money, like maybe I need someone who earns more, but then think well money can’t build a happy relationship. We are not homeless and live off what we have, so that’s the critic again? Or projection? Or is it black and white, pass or fail thinking, taking someone at the financial level instead of level of the soul? So annoying when this stuff happens.

Hi Anita,

I guess I find it hard to know what the realistic thoughts are at times. For example, if I feel a sense of dread in my stomach that maybe ‘I am no longer attracted to him’ or ‘in love with him’ I don’t feel that this is realistic as it feels fearful and riddled with panic. When I am criticising, again I don’t feel like it’s real becuase it feels nasty and just irrational.

So today I am still sick and back in the office. I see the hot straight coworker, or see people on social media and panic ‘is it normal to look at these people’. Or ‘maybe the UK will provide better work opportunities and I should leave Spain’. Which got me thinking about tyhe origins of my anxious nature. I couldn’t help wonder, when I was younger, my Mother constantly changed jobs, as well as moved me twice in different schools and houses. There was always an argument with someone be it neighbours or family (usually both) and nothing was ever stable. I suppose I learned that the way out was to move away. I think that now I am in a stable healthy relationship, a NORMAL relationship, it’s like I am grieving. Perhaps my whole life I waited for this kind of love, but my brain was so wired that this kind of love and stability will cause hurt, so we look to external sources like the hot man at the office, or the people online who have it so together etc, changing country, university, job…CHANGE that’s the origin. So the deepening of the relationship frightens me. I had myself so convinced that we ‘didn’t kiss good enough’ that everytime he kissed me yesterday I flinched beforehand, but every time we kissed I felt fine. I think I am uncovering origins.

Anita,

I never had thought of it like that. So it is her voice that has been adopted by my harsh inner critic….which is oh so harsh.

Yes that’s exactly what it sounds like. If I find anyone attractive I find myself with a pit in my stomach and thoughts very similar to the ones you mention.

Why then, when it does happen from time to time, that I look at my partner and feel unsure, or feel I can’t describe like he’s ‘not attractive enough’ etc and i feel panic and scared. Is it possible this is the same kind of thing happening? Because I don’0t like feeling doubt and unattraction or worried I am falling out of love.

I see.

I guess that makes sense to me. Because when i feel happy and calm I don’t usually have fearful or scary thoughts. Nor do I criticise or doubt. I accept more and realise my relationship is MINE.

But I suppose decision making and stability have been such great issues that it is almost normal for me to question because my mind has been trained to be on high alert.

Hi Anita,

That is all very true.

Just when I feel like I am advancing I go 10 steps back.

Today I was excited to see him, I wanted to. Of course when I was entering I was worried ‘What if I don’t find him handsome?’ or if I ‘flinch when we kiss’. None of that happened. In fact, when he was leaving I felt calm and tingled when we kissed.

Then when he was off at English class, thoughts entered my head. For example, I was thinking recently that I never seem to know when or what to read online. I just look at Masters or jobs and thats all I seem to do. Then I read an article about Bill Gates and the books he reads. I started looking at different things and a thought entered my head ‘he doesn’t read this stuff, he doesn’t look to grow with knowledge’. I told myself stop, thats not true.

Then he was coming home, and I feel like I am not attracted to him a bit, like I am disappointed or something awful. I imagine related to the projection just mentioned.

I just want it to stop.