Dear Anita,

How are you? I hope this message finds you well. As always thank you for your kind and thought provoking messages.

The delay is down to the simple fact that I have been taking time to be as kind as possible to myself. And yes, the ego has tried to beat me down quite a few times, and I have tried to let it go with love and focusing on more positive aspects, which I actually have done and I have noticed myself feeling more positive in general. This is nice because this week alone I have been enjoying life more, seeing my partner and myself in more positive lights and just feeling calmer. It means that when some thoughts do creep in on me I kind of just let go and know they well pass as hard as they may be.

I’m really sorry to read about the guilt and anxiety that you experienced. It can’t have been easy and definitely resonates with me. Over the years has it improved for you? If so, what has helped you get to a more comfortable place? How do you cope with anxiety now??

I do understand more what you mean by the guilt now. This too came up in therapy, ‘when will you stop cutting yourself short and beating yourself up’ was what was said to me. For anyone I have told, they feel that I was drunk (lost any inhibitions) and still managed to be conscious enough to remove myself from the situation. So now I feel more proud of myself than anything.

Unfortunately I never knew why she did it, and if I do try and find out I get answers that don’t answer it. It was a tough time for definite. But I had been put out from home for maybe 1 or 2 years and often would have to wait in the garden and eventually she would let me in. So on and off for 2 years these threats were happening. They only stopped this final time when after it happened, I decided not to go back. and I guess that was a very important and wise decision for a 17 year old to make.

Hi Anita,

Thank you for sharing. It has been quite a relief to know that someone who has such insightful and helpful answers can also have their own fears and insecurities.

I am definitely trying to be more mindful. I have been feeling some relationship anxiety surfacing again and rather than allow myself to judge and criticise my partner, or look for WHY these thoughts are happening I am leeting them go. Or, I am looking at the bigger picture. For example, I can see triggers such as the future (studies, money, job) and how they are impacting on my mood and how this may escalate into criticism of my partner.

To being more mindful and living in the present 🙂

Derek

Hi Anita,

I hope you’re well?

I am posting today as I can feel the relationship anxiety rising so want to name it for what it is as a way of helping me cope.

I haven’t been journalling as much and I believe that now I must try and do it even when feeling good. In general since the last time I have written I have not felt anxious about the relationship. In fact, my anxiety has focused on other areas of life: studies, future, money etc.

Since we last spoke I took my partner to meet some family. That was a big trigger for me indeed. Estranged family and difficult past coming together with a beautiful loving present.

I have also been quite self critical recently particularly with my physical appearance. I have found that I often project this onto my partner now and he is not ‘strong enough’ or his belly is getting ‘too fat’. Moreover, I find myself more critical of his appearance. Particularly when I look at photos of us. I feel horrible as I am starting to see the similarity I share with my Father and that upsets me. I then look at my partner and can see his supposed flaws.

Apart from this my dreams have been quite intrusive. I have had nightmares that he has left me and I am often in the dream screaming begging him not to go. Or in some dreams he has passed away and I am searching for him and wondering about ‘how I will ever survive’. This weekend when I felt myself entering anxious mode I had horrible sensations that ?I just don’t love him anymore’. This was very upsetting and confusing because it was not the usual harsh tone of thought but a gentle one. I imagine this is anxiety at its worst, the ego and fear based thoughts trying to convince us.

The other usual questions have popped up ‘Am I in love enough?’. Will we ‘earn enough to buy a house?’. Is he ‘too quiet in social situations?’ and if so ‘what will people think of him?’.

The list is growing as I feel myself getting more anxious, so I am trying to acknowledge the feelings but not allow them to influence me or panic.

Very upsetting.

Hi Anita,

Thank you for that post. It is quite tough today. A whole month since I had last posted, trying to focus on the positive feelings I was having then.

I had never thought about the dream in that sense. I am never sure how much importance to put on dreams. I like how you describe it as a dance, as fire. That is certainly how it feels.

It is true about the child thing because just this weekend we were chatting about if I would ever like to learn to drive. He asked ‘When you turned 18 were you not so excited to do it?´and I had to respond ‘When I was 18 the years of emotional abuse was coming to an end as it was the last time my Mother had forced me out of my home, and from there I never went back.’. There was an odd moment of sadness shared between us, and I could see he was sad for me, and I felt bad for making it uncomfortable but that was the truth. We both laughed a little and moved on. Then less than an hour later there it was ‘Are we talking enough at lunch?’. ‘Are the people around us talking more, are their relationships better, is this a bad sign?’….

As for the origin, I can’t even begin to think where it comes from…but I would love to udnerstand and explore further.

Hi Anita,

Yes maybe you are right. I can’t help but wonder how young I was when I was emotionally locked out.

It’s hard because the anxiety is passing today. Today I left a note at home for my partner, who has been worried he is not learning English well enough. I knew he would be home before me so I wanted to know that I love him for being him, not because he does or doesn’t do English…that even if he stopped tomorrow I would love him the same.

He just wrote me a message and I smiled with happiness, followed by the ever so common and awful flinch of doubt and fear in the stomach 🙁

Hi Anita,

I am not quite sure I understand. Do you mean that psychotherapy will help understand where that comes from and help me understand the flinch?

Because, I don’t believe the flinch is a sign of a bad relationship or one that should be left.

Hi Anita,

Sorry for the delay. To add to my low mood, I had a stomach bug all night and have not been very well. The bonus of that is that there has been less relationship anxiety as my body has worried about the physical symptoms of sickness.

I think I do understand. This would mean the flinch signals the relationship anxiety, but the origins of this flinch are rooted in the past, rather than the relationship itself. I am seeing my therapist on Monday, and can suggest that I have ben thinking to try psychotherapy again.

I really want to keep working towards improving, at least to feel less panicked. I went on a date with a guy more than 5 years ago, t was the second guy I had ever dated. We kind of kept in contact over the years, but the dates were always a bit strange, and a bit immature I suppose. I was always very nervous saying I was bisexual and didn’t know what I wanted, and he would say he was ‘playing the game too.’ I wasn’t playing games.

Fast forward 5 years and I see him constantly posting on social media about his work (he works a lot in the LGBT community) and often with his boyfriend (who I find myself criticising). This morning as I lie in bed feeling sick I have seen some more of their posts and it makes me feel bad. One I feel bad for criticising their image. Two I feel bad because I try and work out if they are ‘better looking’. Three I felt bad because for a split second I thought he may be ‘more manly’ than my partner, who actually today I really wish would come home because I feel quite sick and emotional.

Are these normal things in life? Why do we compare and put down…

Derek