Hi Anita,

Thank you for your last post. I come to you today with a difficult entry.

I am on a weekend break with two friends. One is a girl I know from college, the other is her friend. We have been having a great time. My first day I had painful anxiety and missed my partner dearly. Yesterday I felt overwhelming love for him. Then alcohol was involved.

Ny relationship with alcohol has never been very healthy. I don’t have much self control and often don’t know when to stop. Yesterday we met with a friend of my friends. It is worth noting that both girls have been sexual together before and had a threesome with the best friend of the straight guy we met yesterday. The guy yesterday also has a girlfriend.

Everyone hot got pretty drunk, I felt awkward because I am a few years older and they were here to party. We went back to our flat (the 3 of us) and the very nice guy (also very young, sober I wouldn’t think anything of him in a sexuality fashion). In typical form I put music on and danced. The girl had invited the guy back so they could smoke weed. I took a drag thinking it was a cigarette so gave it back once I realised. Then things got a bit well I don’t know touchy feely. As I lay on the bed the three were harmlessly hugging. They encouraged me to have fun and hug them too. So I did. But, the girls began making out and the guy was excited but I could see he was trying to keep his distance. He looked very nervous and uncomfortable but was clearly aroused. I felt strange. I lay there and thought about my partner and as I was being cuddled by the guy On his right, the girls were on his left and also were extending hands to me etc. I had also noticed we were kind of rubbing feet (with him or a girl Im not sure). It brushed off his crotch area(everyone was clothed fully) and explored his abs, I felt my hand going further towards his Penis.

then something happened. I stopped. I panicked. I didn’t want to touch anyone, only my partner not someone else. Nor do I think this guy wanted me to touch, afterall he is straight.  I felt scared. I opened my eyes and like lightening realise “this is not my boyfriend”. So I left. I went to the balcony and I cried. I cried hard. My friend came out and asked why I was crying and if I was ok. I said “I love my partner so much and I feel like I’ve just cheated, and also, I feel like this would be what it would be like without him”. She smiled and laughed and said “Derek everyone is fully dressed and cuddling, ok hands wandered a bit ?75 you left, you’re here because you love him, that’s why you’re not on the bed”.

At at one point I’m not sure before or after I had vomited a lot in the bathroom, too much alcohol I suppose.

So today I am awake, and sightseeing and my mind is racing. The first thing I did was tell my partner briefly that things got weird and I found myself in a difficult situation and am sure I brushed off a penis touched some abs and potentiallly felt some boob. I told him I felt scared and that I feel like I almost fucked it up. He was a it confused and thought it all sounded a bit crazy. His response?

Derek. Calm down. I trust you. You must be more careful with alcohol because you’ll have more anxiety later and struggle to feel better and is not worth it just for being drunk. He told me to enjoy my trip and stop worrying. Disconnect. Enjoy. That he loved me. I told him with overwhelming certainty that I really fucking love him too.

So so now I am panicked. I feel awful both hungover and guilty. The young guy seemed nervous too this morning. Once I had moved he also moved to a different bed and the situation thankfully diffused.

i feel guilty, awful, a horrible person fucking up the one relationship I have that makes me feel whole and loved. That makes me believe I am worthy.

I guess I don’t know what I’m asking for today. Your insight I suppose.

Jason, thank you for your comment too. I am trying to learn to accept my flaws and his and for the first time in life love unconditionally.

Anita,

This post made me cry with happiness. I feel proud for even with alcohol I could stop a situation escalating, rather than wanting to beat myself down over it.

I think how how I described it here may sounds more catastrophic than it was. Anyone I have spoken to says “I don’t understand how you think you’ve cheated on your partner, nothing happened”. My friends laughed because I was part of a drunken hugging circle, of course you’ll have contact.

My ego is beating me saying I told my partner about it in a light hearted way, but I feel that if I allow my catastrophic nature step in, it could hurt him unnecessarily. He knows I was in an uncomfortable situation drunk and foolish where contact was made. Describing a 3 second interaction in graphic detail may cause unnecessary worry and upset for him.

I forgive myself, and I will always forgive him. I have been so excited just to feel his hand and have him close. I want to feel safe again.

Hi Anita,

Thank you once again. I don’t feel judged or scared when I read your messages and do take all  points on board.

I have started to feel a bit a bit better since I met with my friends. When they saw I had been crying they asked why and they clarified the situation.

There was no no sexual engagement. Yes people were hugging and naturally that means leaning on each other, but not in a sexual way.

Before the hugging, they stated “nothing strange here as people are in relationships etc so no breaking of commitments”

When I said I feel like I have been unfaithful or I’m not sure my friend laughed and said “Derek you were drunk because at one point I got in between you both because you were both very nervous and uncomfortable to be in our hugging circle.”

So now I know nothing happened I’m trying to let it go. Every couple of minutes I get this dreadful feeling of fear and I’m trying to let it go.

I too want this to last last a lifetime. Even when I read Jason’s comment about “try move past his mistakes, and if you can’t move on” I felt a hot rush of fear because I could not imagine anything worse.

I think im struggling to understand that I make mistakes, like anyone, but love for me has always been so conditional, that having someone love me for who I am frightens me, so sometimes that fear I fall into old patterns, all learned from a long time ago.

I will see my therapist on monday, that should help. I’m also worried if it’s “normal” how much I have missed him whilst away, and how much I have spoken about him. I have called him everyday too and feel so relaxed when I hear him. Of course, my anxiety may kick in before and say “what if you don’t feel enough when he answers”.

Its almost like a dance of anxiety. Rejection and abandonment have made it very difficult to be close to people. So sometimes I look for ways “his flaws maybe” to push him away. Then when I’m away I feel scared, and the build up to being reunited I worry, and find it difficult to reunite, but once I’m there everything goes away and feels so safe.

Hi Anita,

Thank you for your response.

I realise where I may have over exaggerated and where not.

I read back over my messages. The first thing I sent to my partner said “they were intending to have a threesome and as I reached for my phone I made contact” this was at 8:35 am. I went to bed very drunk at 4am. So I hadn’t slept and clearly didn’t think of that message. Later in the day I sent further messages which were more honest etc and clarified everything.

I hust spoke to my friend, the girl. I read her that message. She kindly turned to me and said “I’m not sure what you seem to think has happened. Nobody tried to have a threesome. We explained last night, that in Work we do a thing called cuddle circles to relieve stress. These circles sometimes involve more than 10 people each spooning each other one way for 5 mins, then we all turn to the other way for 5”. I stared blankly. I know that things felt uncomfortable. I know the girls made out which my friend says “was her fault for kissing her best friend.” For example now they are watching a movie together and are cuddling. They are childhood friends so maybe it’s more common for them.

Also, I was sure that something was going on. But when I asked about the Male friend se said “Derek don’t you remember how nervous he was and moved away”.

anyway, my point is is I still feel like I almost crossed a line and risked temptation and walked away. But I am afraid too that I completely over exaggerated a situation. That doesn’t mean that it was entirely innocent as I clearly felt nervous etc. But now I just feel crap because I could’ve just asked this morning, and then could’ve explained a lot better and a lot less exaggerated and hysterical. Now I feel like I blew a situation up, drunkenly lost self control, catastrophised and also probably distressed my partner.

Because “they were intending to have a threesome”

or “they were being drunk and did this bizarre cuddle circle thing that got even more bizarre and could’ve escalated but didn’t”

i dunno I feel like I let anxiety and fear take over. I’m sorrt that you know the feeling. It’s sad. It’s a horrible feeling.