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  • November 1, 2015 at 9:27 am #86518
    Anonymous
    Guest

    This is my attempt to take a break from recent dramas on the site, jokes. Not a skill or talent of mine. I know only a few and I will tell them as I remember them (these are ALL I know):

    1) Why did the chicken cross the street? To get to the other side.
    2) A woman once told Winston Churchill (with disgust): You are drunk! To which he replied: Yes, I am and tomorrow I will be sober. But you, my dear, will still be ugly.

    3) I once tried to snort coke but the ice cubes got stuck in my nostrils.
    4) I used to smoke pot. I still do. But I used to also

    Hope you can do better than this…
    anita

    November 1, 2015 at 10:38 pm #86545
    jock
    Participant

    I like the Churchill one best Anita.

    Did you hear about the guy addicted to brake fluid?
    He says he can stop anytime.

    How many Australians does it take to make a vegemite sandwich?
    I don’t know and I don’t care because I hate vegemite!

    November 2, 2015 at 1:25 am #86548
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    What’s E.T short for?
    Because he’s only got little legs.

    What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
    A carrot.

    November 2, 2015 at 2:22 pm #86592
    jock
    Participant

    Why did the lama cross the road?
    Because he could see enlightenment on the other side.

    November 2, 2015 at 2:31 pm #86594
    jock
    Participant

    I’m back! I’m back!
    It’s Llama Llama Jack!
    You can’t give me
    the sack, the sack!
    because I have the knack, the knack
    of finding out your lack, your lack
    and being leader of
    the pack, the pack
    I have to
    clack my rack
    my rack
    and eat a nice
    Big Mac Big Mac
    look out here comes some
    flak, some flak
    I’m under
    huge attack, attack
    Have to rebuild my
    shack, my shack
    OK I know
    it’s only prac
    but still

    November 2, 2015 at 2:39 pm #86595
    jock
    Participant

    Woolly Bully
    Don’t know you fully
    But I’m guessin’
    your mind is stressin’
    Your inner critic
    is playin’ havoc
    and you need some outlet
    and I’m your outlet
    but stop the A-buse
    ’cause I don’t D-eserve it

    Affirmation Interlude ” Noone can make me feel less about myself”

    My mistake
    Woolly Bully
    You don’t exist.

    November 2, 2015 at 4:03 pm #86596
    jock
    Participant

    What did the dog say when he heard other dogs talking about him?
    Woof Woof!

    November 2, 2015 at 4:15 pm #86597
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Jack:

    I must have done something right to be blessed with a visit from good old Llama Jack: Welcome Back, Llama Jack, been a long time! You have a way with words and I enjoy it, so thank you, thank you, Llama Jack.

    Woolly Bully, I do not like you, Woolly Bully, Woof Woof Away!

    anita

    November 2, 2015 at 4:42 pm #86600
    jock
    Participant

    Anita
    You can’t beat her
    She’s always here
    to send good cheer
    you want empathy?
    then you’ll get empathy
    you want sympathy?
    then you’ll get sympathy
    she can analyse
    those inner selves
    those naughty elves

    she is so feisty
    and not so fancy
    she is direct
    and usually correct
    I could say god bless her
    but she don’t believe

    November 2, 2015 at 4:45 pm #86602
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Llama Jack:

    A poet at heart, one of your many skills and talents. Love it! Thank you so much. Another one to copy and paste!

    anita

    November 2, 2015 at 5:41 pm #86605
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Winston Churchill sayings that I think are funny (and often true, some may be offensive… and a surprising llama joke, Jack):

    Democracy is the worst form of government except all those other forms that have been tried from time to time.

    There are a terrible lot of lies going around the world, and the worst of it is half of them are true.

    The United States invariably does the right thing, after having exhausted every other alternative.

    He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. (Referring to Sir Stafford Cripps)

    He looks like a female llama who has been surprised in the bath. (Referring to Charles De Gaulle)

    Lady Nancy Astor: Winston, if I were your wife, I’d poison your tea.
    Churchill: Nancy, if I were your husband, I’d drink it

    Bessie Braddock: Sir, you are drunk.
    Churchill: And you, madam, are ugly. But in the morning, I shall be sober.

    Churchill: Madam, would you sleep with me for five million pounds?
    Woman: My goodness, Mr. Churchill,¦ Well, I suppose we would have to discuss terms, of course
    Churchill: Would you sleep with me for five pounds?
    Woman: Mr. Churchill, what kind of woman do you think I am?!
    Churchill: Madam, we’ve already established that. Now we are haggling about the price.

    November 2, 2015 at 11:18 pm #86635
    jock
    Participant

    He was a witty guy Churchill, that’s for sure.

    November 16, 2015 at 6:56 am #87638
    Nekoshema
    Participant

    I love Churchill quotes. Always loved dry humour.

    December 20, 2015 at 5:52 pm #90040
    jock
    Participant

    I’m trying to think of a joke I heard recently but it is eluding me this very minute.

    Did you hear about the guy who came onto Tiny Buddha to find the meaning of life?
    He’s still here and he hasn’t found it yet.

    No that wasn’t the joke, I made that one up….

    December 20, 2015 at 7:04 pm #90047
    Anonymous
    Guest

    More, more jokes from Joker Jack!
    anita

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