Home→Forums→Relationships→Jealousy- Letting go- Obsessive Thinking- and repeating the same mistake again
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Lynda.
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March 30, 2014 at 3:09 pm #53821
LyndaParticipantSo, where to start. I am 27, and a buddhisty type of person. I am living in a hostel where I developed feelings for one of the people I live with. In a complicated set of circumstances, I told him I liked him, but he never replied. I mean seriously, he never replied. I waited, and suffered (I couldn’t sleep etc), and tried to carry on being friends.
I finally couldn’t take anymore when I asked him what we were (friends) and he said we were bar acquaintances. I told him he had been horrible to me, and he resented this and said that nothing had changed. I felt he was becoming better friends with other people at the hostel we spend time with at the bar. It hurt. I had tried to talk to him so many times and he was defensive and said I was nagging all the time. I couldn’t handle it. I ended up messaging him on Facebook, trying to get a straight answer to this.
This is the weird part…I got trapped in my thoughts, and messaged him over and over. He never replied, which might be understandable because obviously, I just started offloading all the things he had done that had made me unhappy, and how much I just wanted to know whether he liked me or not. He left living at the hostel today, and I regretted it. I know I had good intentions and really wanted to work things out and communicate with this person, but I just did it in the wrong way.
It was like words always escaped me when I went to talk to him. I’ve done this many times, this messaging thing. I over analysis and think too much. My friends tell me I need to be calm and not be clingy, that boys hate clingy. I just want to communicate…and sometimes…a little too much. Its embarrassing, I hate myself, I wish I was a better communicator in person. He just blocked me in the end, even when I told him that I cared for him and wanted him to be happy even if that didn’t include me. I tried to be forgiving, even if he hadn’t asked for it etc.
I know I lost touch with the present moment…and started living in the past. I just wanted him to answer. Though I don’t think all the ways he treated me were right, I sort of wish I had let things go more and just kept a superficial relationship with him, would have wasted less energy than banging my head against a wall.
I wish he would talk to me even if it was to tell me how much I had annoyed him and wanted me to leave him a lone…anything. I can’t believe I let someone mess up my head like this. Him and the other guys at the hostel hang out without me all the time, and it hurts and makes me jealous. They were doing this before my over enthusiastic messages, so really..they are leaving me out. I tried to take comfort that the people who reject you are the people who you are not meant to be with….cold comfort…not sure why this is getting to me so much. I am 27, and lived all over the world.
It hurt so much because I used to really care about this person, and really value his friendship, though it was a new friendship. I don’t know why he couldn’t give me a straight answer about his feelings.
It feels like I will never fall in love without screwing it up because of my ‘messages’, or just that I will never fall in love.
I miss the old days when we all used to hang out at the bar and have fun. Those days are gone…why does this hurt so much? I know all things are impermanent. I wish I could just forget about it all.
March 30, 2014 at 7:39 pm #53841
yawlieParticipantHi Lynda,
Good to know by taking time and effort to be a part of this awesome page-tinybuddha. I wish I can help through out of this mess but no, only your own can (don’t get me wrong). I have had with the same experience, actually really a same figure of experience. You are already 27 yrs of age, am I correct? Okay, it ended up as I, was always pretty annoyed a guy by sending him messages that I, still feel the same and which made myself feel to him more intense in every time I communicate him (that him is my ex guy). And which is so bad in terms of my own self. To the point that I have to cry out loud just to release the pain of being rejected and not the choice. I wanted to bring myself that experience as a lesson and should not hurt myself again. Because it’s one day that I just woke up and talked to myself that I should face and accept the fact, I have my own life to pursue with and bring life with. What the past may be is always past and I can’t handle, looking myself terrible -chasing for a man who could not able to see the real me and could not able to give a chance. I just woke up and I wanted to be free, I don’t want to feel helpless anymore. I wanted to, instead, chase opportunities which will lead me to grow and be a more loving girl. Give a chance to others to give you more and open real love or to receive love that you did not able to recognize while chasing that guy. Just pray and pray to seek answers and heal your heart, lay over your frustrations unto Him and pray, be over from that guy. We cannot please anyone nor the one who’s our Creator, who’s has a hearts of resistance. I wish you good.
Yawlie
March 31, 2014 at 3:26 am #53859LyndaParticipantHi there Yawlie, yes I think the main point here was that I was chasing him, and it was getting nowhere. You are right I need to get on with my life, and open myself up to more mature and open love, more real love, not someone keeping me in the same place. I don’t know why I let it get to me so much.
I suppose yes messaging that person all the time…made the feelings more, and made it worse for me..though I just wanted to resolve it. It probably pushed him away more. I did try talking to him in person, but he would act like there was nothing to talk about, and that I was nagging him. It wasn’t a pleasant experience…really horrible. I wanted to resolve this hurt, and be rejected in a sense so I could move on. No one really wants rejection, but sometimes we have to face it. I was rejected by someone else at the hostel, and it was hard. The boys kept talking about how to ‘get a woman’ and it made me uncomfortable because obviously…I wanted this guy. I was insecure and foolish and told him, and I was rejected. He wanted to be friends, but actually I needed space. Eventually we had a fight about it, though eventually we made up.
Yes I am 27.
Who knows why this person never resolved my feelings, I should have moved on, and perhaps it was just too tough, too hard. I shouldn’t have let it consume me or waste anytime on it, because perhaps he didn’t even care that much to begin with and never saw fit to respect my feelings and give me closure. He probably didn’t have the maturity to do that, before I ended up messaging him to death. I guess it is hard when we invest in people to accept that they are going to disappoint us. I guess I am chasing the idea in my mind, of this person, not the reality anymore.
I am just beating myself up…it wasn’t all my fault by a long way…though I am the only person I can control.
March 31, 2014 at 3:27 am #53860LyndaParticipantThanks for your comment Yawlie, nice to know I am not alone and totally crazy.
March 31, 2014 at 3:52 am #53861
LostabroadParticipantDear Lynda,
I can absolutely understand what you feel as I believe I am quite similar. It is really difficult to forget and not try to fix it, but that’s the only thing you should and you really can do to feel better. The faster the better, no matter how difficult it is. Forgetting can be painful but is really a faster solution than digging in the past. It is beter to heal in 6 months than in 2 years.
Please do it for yourself and just forget, take a lesson and focus on yourself.
Lostabroad
March 31, 2014 at 4:02 am #53862LyndaParticipantYeah I know, I totally agree with you Lostabroad. I wish I had done it sooner, I only just came to my senses. I can’t believe I did all that for nothing, just screwed myself up. Crazy how the mind works sometimes.
March 31, 2014 at 4:02 am #53863LyndaParticipantI do have a tendency to want to fix things… and sure it was best forgotten about.
March 31, 2014 at 4:02 am #53864LyndaParticipantIt will take a little while but I will forget.
March 31, 2014 at 7:06 pm #53894
BelleParticipantHi Lynda,
I am EXACTLY the same. me and my best friend of 4 years recently started dating, he had begged me for 3 years to be with him then he broke up with me after 3 weeks and will now have nothing to do with me at all. I sent him message after message trying to explain myself and express how he was hurting me and questioning every little thing he said and done during that time. This has been going on since January and I am starting to realise now that he doesn’t see this as me trying to communicate with him (like us girls see it) he sees it as me being obsessive.
from what I have learnt in this experience its that girls are alot more emotional then boys are, we want to fix things, we want to talk about it and we show how it is effecting us (crying etc). Men are not like this and therefore do not understand why we get so upset or cant just walk away like they can. The only thing you can do is just move on, don’t contact him because no matter how good your intentions are he is most likely going to put you in the crazy basket (like most do as they don’t understand how us women think or feel)
I am currently having to do the exact same thing and it is very difficult, but like Yawlie said, it is better to heal in 6 months then 2 years and by trying to contact him you are only setting yourself up for more heart break when he doesnt respond or doesnt give you the answer you want. But for the record, you are NOT crazy, your human and there is nothing wrong with that so don’t be so hard on yourself. Lets learn from our mistakes and show those boys what they missed out on 🙂
March 31, 2014 at 7:52 pm #53899yawlieParticipantLynda,
Just take your time to feel the worst or still had a feelings for that guy, until you had to go to the point that you should drop it off. There’s no harm in giving love to others, until you find yourselves soffocated then you can realize that it is fair enough, you, your feelings toward that boy. Sorry.. I just called hm “boy” just a real kind of a man can clearly see a good woman-
I wish you could both talk gently and you without nagging.. I believe every man has a heart, I mean a good part of them which is gentle. And that could be your way to gain his attention for the last time, the time that you’re strong enough to let go of your emotions and let go of him. I know even him, he has the advantage to help you out of the mess by his real words if he can say it to you..I am pretty sure it can be immeasurable freedom for you to go on without him.
Not easy though but let him be free so as you could and see the beauty of past and love which is really ment for you.
April 1, 2014 at 12:28 am #53924LyndaParticipantWell personally I dont feel I was nagging. It really hurt when he accused me.of that.
Weirdly I did the same thing to my father. Obviously in a none romantic way. Perhaps the male avoidance of emotion has been messing me up for a long.time.
Yeah…it hurts that a lot of men are totally unable to deal with emotion…I guess if that was his attitude he waant the right man for me. You are right I am not crazy…just human. Sad he cant see that. I think he was a boy to br honest…too. He will never appreciate how much it hurt.
Yeah….I feel quite hurt and depressed at the moment…but being as strong as I can.
April 1, 2014 at 1:43 am #53928yawlieParticipantPlease help and pick up your self too Lynda. We are here in this world for our purpose. I know it feels like hell, it takes time also to deeply understands what reasons behind why you feel like that. We don’t want to see anybody hurt and struggle. I think the main key here is just you, us, must strive, must choose, must give up and must let go of and most of it all accept.
-Do you really love this guy, are you Lynda? I mean the real love is just knows how to really understands even if it is just a one way… I mean we can’t take away others freedom and happiness just for ourselves. And we don’t know, they are also hurt while seeing us hurt also and are troubled. Right now, I just imagine that when I chosen to gave up on him (my past) and let him know that I must let him go and told him – this is the right time! I have already given him a chance to be happy and had a peaceful mind so as me too. And that’s true love Lynda. That’s the reason and the purpose.
Cheers also to tinybuddha for this oppurtunity to advise friends
God bless!
April 1, 2014 at 2:00 am #53929LyndaParticipantYeah I am ok..just hurt and sad for a while. I did let go and wish him well and hoped he would be happy etc…though he might still deeply irritate me.
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