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Jealousy issues – not ready for serious relationship ?

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  • June 9, 2015 at 7:50 am #77924
    Flower
    Participant

    Hi Julie,

    I just read your story, a few things stood out, the first main one was that he refused to cut contact with a girl who was sending him naked pictures… (im a woman btw) im sorry but thats really not on. only friends with no limits would do that. on the other hand perhaps he chose to keep her as a strength test for you. that is really testing your limits of trust. and i say good on you for sticking in there and trusting. but if it makes you uncomfortable (and rightly so) tell him she has to go, and not for not trusting him but who can trust their a woman who sends naked pics to a man with GF!!!

    i think you need to keep working on yourself as you said you would and particulary on your self esteem, that cliche that says you cant love someone until you love yourself is 100% true. you need to be in the relationship happy, not co-dependent, you need to be confident and with enough love for yourself that is anything would take you boyfriend away from you, you would be ok. you would still be you, you would still love you.

    i think one of the best exercises for this is being caring and create intimacy with yourself, staring yourself in the eye in a mirror for a few minutes a day, medidtate, be alone. reward yourself when you do good, make an effort to create some positive self talk within yourself. the more you love and care for you, the less you will be worried with your partner running off because you will be secure and sue in yourself that there is no one more wonderful and lovable than you!

    I dont think you should end it because you have insecurities you can work on them while in a relationship and as you said this feels like mr right to you.

    in terms of always something better, my ex acted like that and it was actually offensive to me! i chose him, no one forced me with him, he ticked all my boxes, i ddidnt need anyone taller, musclier or smarter i just wanted him, his insecurities ended up driving me away.

    i wish you all the best and hope something of what ive said here is encouraging 🙂
    xxxx

    June 9, 2015 at 8:36 am #77928
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Julie:
    What an interesting post! Here is my input: I agree with the psychologist. You did great work after your last relationship ended, before you met your current boyfriend. There is work though that needs to be done IN THE CONTEXT of a safe relationship, work that cannot be done alone. If your relaionship now is safe, your bf trustworthy, loving and willing, if you are both in a win-win attitude about the relationship (both helping and being helped)- then it is the place to continue the healing work you have already started.

    Do apply EAR: Empathy, Assertiveness and Respect to all your communications with your boyfriend. Even when you feel angry with him- and you are not into feeling empathy for him, behave respectfully to him. All the time, not taking breaks from being respectful to him. That includes not being abusive to him verbally or physically. All this while you expect respect from him at all time: no verbal or physical abuse.

    Regarding the naked photos: there are a few issues to it in my view: the sending of naked photos to his phone needs not happen again. He needs to let her know it is not appropriate to send naked, sexually suggestive photos to an unavailable man (or to any…). If she keeps sending such to him, he should cut contact with her because that would mean she doesn’t respect him. His unwillingness to choose between you and her may only mean that he does not want his FREEDOM taken away by you and I can understand that.

    See, when he doesn’t want to choose between you and her may not at all mean that she is or could be more important to him than you are, but that he doesn’t want you to have this kind of power over him, that he is rebelling against being submissive to you. You may want to ask him why etc. As long as you ask him in a none threatening way, in an open way, he will tell you how he feels and thinks, I hope.

    Continuing your healing in the context of this relationship is a great opportunity and I hope you take it. I hope you share with him your vulnerable self, your honest feelings and no matter how angry you feel- keep it respectful at all times (yes, at ALL times)- even if it almost… kills you to not express that anger abusively… don’t.

    What are your thoughts about what i wrote here?
    anita

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