David,

I’m sorry for the feeling of loss and intense regret within your suffering. Love can be a crazy ride… sometimes high and brilliant, and sometimes low and shadowy. As I read and thought on your words, a few things came to heart.

The reason our first “teenage love” feels so potent is because it is like a dam breaking and a river flooding. This is extremely startling and inspiring! The whole world glows and the birds sing. When it ends, we’re left with an empty vessel, like finishing a carton of chocolate ice cream for the first time and saying “wow, that was awesome, and darn it, its all gone.” This doesn’t mean that we’ll never have it again… rather we’ve never had something like it and so really notice its absence. Aww, back to broccoli? It arises as an intense feeling of isolation… of awww shucks… regret.

Perhaps you can let go of the empty carton (past moments) and head back for a different flavor. Sure, it won’t be the same as the last time… but face it… last time she was with a guy. That’s a pretty big fly in the cream, no? Said differently, as you dive back in and see what’s out there, the first love becomes easy to let go of as we become more skillful at finding a partner and loving them. This grows a love that is reciprocal, not based on the beauty of “firstness” or “sexual desire”, and better suited to us.

Now that the romantic spirit has awoken inside you, there is no need for regret at having slept… its really just wasting time. Instead, keep the spirit alight by being courageous enough to put yourself out there. Flirt. Be a dork. Say what’s on your mind or in your heart. Be the vibrant and playful you, and a girl who is open to you will respond. Maybe not the first or fifth, but keep going, you’ll find her… and as you reveal your heart and charm to others, she’ll find you.

With warmth,
Matt

David,

I like the way you are seeing your behavior as addicted. Love addiction is difficult, because the mind and body recognizes that what it wants is reasonable, even important. The solution may be a bit jarring, but basically you have to let go of the fantasy, the dream.

What you have with that girl is not love, its infatuation and sensual craving. Said differently, as you look at her and dream about what her life is like, you sound like you are doing the romantic equivalent of masturbating. You look at all the choicest bits, and stroke your longing… your dream of what romance looks like.

The truth is not like that. That girl gets smelly diarrhea, gets angry and petty, has fights with her boyfriend, and has armpits that stink. She is made out of blood and bones and puss and snot and poop and piss. She will succumb to old age, sickness and death. What you’re masturbating to is not her, its a fantasy of her… what you love is not her, its the way you feel when you think about her. You don’t know her well enough to love the actual her.

Stop arguing, you know the truth of this. Real love is not about bike rides and kisses and a gas lamp that burns eternally. Its about mutual acceptance, about giving when it hurts, about seeing the blood and poop and boobs and sorrow with equal patient attention. That being said, it is far more powerful and fulfilling than a teenage fantasy.

Most teenage hay burning romances end with a lot of pain. Even more pain than you’re experiencing now. Far more. So why do you say “I wish I could have stood in a burning building?” Do you see how dumb that is? Its like a girl regretting that she waited until her twenties to lose her virginity. As a twenty-something, she has a level of maturity that can make her experience much more fulfilling… while most first times are quick, awkward and painful.

If you can see the truth I see and am expressing here, then there is a simple solution. Learn to work with your mind more skillfully. Instead of sitting around dreaming of what could have been or what might be, we can let go of that habit and get back into our body. Consider doing a counting breath meditation (search YouTube for jayasaro counting breaths for a simple method). This will help you develop concentration so you stop falling into dreams and visions, and stay alert the beauty that is around you. Remember, its the foolishness of your mind that is making you think the girl is then source. Its actually your own body and your dreaming. Its no wonder all other girls are transparent… your mind is so spinny that I bet you’re not even seeing the object of your dreaming.

With warmth,
Matt

Hi David,

I can relate to what you are feeling. I also missed out on the typical teenaged first loves because I wasn’t allowed date until I was finished high school. I went on my first date when I was 25. And in the beginning, I too regretted that I never got to experience love and romance as a teenager. But as I got a bit older, I’m happier it turned out this way. As teenagers, we are young and immature and inexperienced and prone to making bad decisions because we don’t know any better and think we know better than anyone else. If I had dated earlier, I might have made some bad decisions through no fault of my own, but because of immaturity and inexperience. I’m glad I waited until I was older to take those important steps in love and dating.

Matt speaks a lot of truth above: real love is not all hazy summer nights holding hands amongst the fireflies. You’re young, you have a great deal of time to find someone and build that long-lasting partnership with.

This also might be a relevant read for you, I know it is for me: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerance