Dear Tara:

You are welcome. A note: you are welcome to start new threads if you prefer. But you do have a choice: to either continue to post in one thread, or start a new thread. There are threads with more than 100 pages per thread, and going. I mention this because I don’t know if you are aware of this choice.

You shared that about a month ago your boyfriend was working in 113 degrees weather for about a week, sleeping on an RV couch without air conditioning. You picked him up on the way to a hotel where you were to spend the weekend. As soon as you picked him up, he was angry about something you said and apologized for two days before regarding a roommate not cleaning the house. He “began to yell and throw things around the car”, you cried, and the rest of the car ride was silent.

Once in the hotel room, “the throwing things and yelling continued”, as he threw his phone, it hit your arm a bit hard, and he said things that hurt your feelings deeply. The next day, he “became sick, nauseous and then passed out”. Being a first aid certified, you figured he suffered a heat stroke, and that explains “his altered mental state/ extreme irritability the whole week.. a long going bout of heat stroke.. his body was in a lot of stress that week which probably led to an altered mental state and easy irrational behavior”.

He later apologized to you, crying and telling you that “he did not want to end up being how his dad was when he was younger (Generally angry and mean hearted)”. But you “still can’t shake a feeling of being scared of making him angry again.. I feel this is the reason for my anxiety, not being able to forget the things he said and did even though I know it was not his true self. I know he would never hurt me purposefully but I feel that my anxiety was triggered because of this situation. When I was a child my father had many angry outbursts, yelling, screaming, stomping”.

Since the two of you have been on a break, he told you that “he has struggled with anger issues before and feels sad that he has come back to this point again”, and he decided to go to therapy. You are hopeful, but you “need advice in forgiving him for his actions so we can be together happily again! Any tips on forgiveness and acceptance?”

My input today: like he told you, “he has struggled with anger issues before” the weekend and independently of the weather and of suffering a heat stroke. Yelling and throwing things around is unacceptable regardless of how angry he feels. In the therapy he attends, he will need strong guidance and practice of anger management techniques which include relaxation techniques, problem solving skills and improving communication/ interpersonal skills. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is often used in anger management treatment, in addition to other forms of therapies. One CBT technique applied in anger management is for the client to identify situations that can potentially trigger his/ her feeling of anger (the anger cue), the anger cue can be external or internal (automatic thoughts and irrational beliefs), then apply relaxation techniques (regulating breathing, taking a time out, mindfulness exercises), then choosing appropriate behavior. The client and therapist can practice the process in sessions using role play, in which the client role plays appropriate behavior following the anger cue.

Reads to me that you did a good job identifying the root of your recent elevated anxiety. Even if you didn’t have an angry father who didn’t manage his anger well, having an angry boyfriend who doesn’t manage his anger well .. is scary enough. Angry, aggressive, out of control behavior is scary for everyone, including (other) animals!

As far as advice and tips on how to forgive him and basically, not being scared of him anymore- that’s a tough one. Clearly, he will need to never, ever again behave in an angry/ aggressive, out of control way, never again yell, never throw things. His voice may naturally go up when he is angry, but once it goes up, he will need to notice that his volume went up, and bring it down within a few seconds. If you see him doing well, week after week, month after month, then I imagine you will no longer be afraid of him getting angry again, because you will be used to him managing his anger well.

anita

Tara

You have really researched and contemplated the Twin Flame phenomenon, I admire your ability to reflect on your self and you life events. Your partner is very fortunate to have such a beautiful soul love him. I know you will be able to guide him to the full blossoming that Twin Flames can ultimately achieve .

I wish you and your partner joy, health and a long life to enjoy it .