Home→Forums→Relationships→Ive been cheating for years because I am unhappy, I dont know how to leave
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Anonymous.
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June 14, 2017 at 6:45 pm #153300
Eliana
ParticipantHi Phoenix11,
I was worried after reading your post. You have alot going on. The first thing that distressed me was was when you said you did not receive love 21st home and had your first relationship at only 13 years old, with a much older man. I would suggest professional Counseling, and/or Psychotherapy to understand the door of your sympoms. I am very worried. Please take care of yourself.
June 15, 2017 at 8:07 am #153418Anonymous
GuestDear Phoenix11:
The easiest question for me to answer is: “Should I come clean..”? meaning, should you tell T that you have been cheating on him with C? My answer: absolutely not, because T has threatened to harm you, your daughter and, in this case, it would be C (“if the conversation of leaving him came up he would threaten to harm me , our daughter and whomever I was with.”) Before that he threatened to kill himself. So, no, don’t come clean with him on this matter.
Otherwise, there are a few issues here:
1. You have a daughter with T.
2. You missed living your teen years as a free, young person, free to explore and discover.
3. You are afraid of T’s reactions to leaving him, and so fear is part of your relationship with T and part of your daily experience.
4. You feel unjustified or unwise leaving him following some of the changes that he made.
5. You having a sexual relationship with T and C for years.
Did I miss any additional issues?
If you’d like, elaborate on any one of the four I mentioned (and any other), and we can communicate and explore the situation further and hopefully, come up with possibilities.
anita
June 15, 2017 at 10:00 am #153460Pheonix11
ParticipantThank you for your concern Eliana , counseling is something that I have been considering.
June 15, 2017 at 10:19 am #153466Pheonix11
ParticipantHi Anita,
Those are all good points.
1. ) Our daughter is now 4.
2.) I honestly do, I think it’s normal for a lot of young mothers, but I do think about what would have happened if things had been different, or if I had chosen to leave while I was pregnant, would that have been easier than now.
3.) To be completely honest I am terrified, as much as I do not want to believe it, I do think that if one day I were to start dating and he were to find out, I am scared that he may want to harm our daughter to get back at me. I do sometimes bring up the things he has said/did in the past about harming himself and others or stalking me and he says that he regrets saying and doing those things, and that he wouldn’t do it now, that he would let it be. I do believe that people can change, but I guess I am just so traumatized, I guess we can use that word, that it’s one of the things that holds me back.
4.) Yes, you are correct, I do feel that way, and it’s one of the things that I wish I could have more clarity on. I am not sure if I feel guilty because I waited this long and I am seeing his change and still want to leave, or because he is changing and I am still cheating and I am the problem.
5.) It has been going on for quite some time now, T and I have always had issues with sex. It isn’t fulfilling, and during the year that I did not have contact with C , I tried to spice things up with T. I wanted us to work out, but he wouldn’t put any effort, or try to satisfy my needs , he honestly just did not care to. When he did want to , it was because I did not want anything sexual with him anymore and stopped showing interest, and I guess he felt that is when he needed to step up.
June 15, 2017 at 11:53 am #153496Anonymous
GuestDear Phoenix11:
One issue at a time, then:
1) What is better for your daughter, would be the question: living with her father, or not). But it is not only about whether he is currently an attentive father. It is also about his affect on you. It is not for the better interest of a child to have an anxious, traumatized mother (your sharing in #3).
2) As you know, you can’t go back to the past and re-live it in a different way. What is possible for you is to live the rest of your twenties, thirties and on, not terrified.
3) Fear is not a fertile ground for love. It is not a fertile ground for honest communication, for hopes and plans. Even if he did change, it may not be possible to reverse the harm caused by his threats of the past: to harm your daughter, you, himself and other people involved. If he changed, he may still have to suffer the consequences of his words. Some things said cannot be unsaid.
His threats to harm your infant daughter: it may very well be impossible for any caring mother to live with, other than in fear, being held hostage by the threat, no matter how much time passes since the threats.
If it wasn’t for the fear-factor, a factor that he single handedly established by his severe threats, I would have suggested couple therapy. But fear is not a fertile ground for honest communication in therapy as well, because when you are in session, maybe safe there (maybe), you know you will soon be alone with him.
What I would do, if I was you, is to contact professionals in law enforcement/ criminal psychologists associated with law enforcement and get information and input on what to do/ how to end a relationship with a man who threatened what he threatened to do.
4) Of course cheating is a problem in a relationship, no doubt. Problem is.. there is a much bigger problem: fear of mayhem and death instilled in you by his threats. If you stopped cheating, you will still have the fear-factor going on.
5) With better sex life with him, you may enjoy moments of intense physical sensations, but following those moments, again… you are left with the fear-factor.
You can post again (and again) regarding any and all the issues above. I will soon take a break and be back either in seven hours or so or tomorrow morning, in about 18 hours.
anita
June 16, 2017 at 12:44 pm #153706Pheonix11
ParticipantAnita,
Thank you for your insight , I really do appreciate it, and it helped me realize some things. I am positive now that I know what I need to do .
June 16, 2017 at 12:52 pm #153708Anonymous
GuestYou are welcome, Phoenix11. Post again, if you need to or want to.
anita
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