Lillywaters,

I’m sorry form your suffering, and can understand how painful cyclical criticism can become. Don’t despair, dear sister, there is always a path to joy. Sometimes when we have a very powerful mind, but a weak heart, the experiences we have are painted darkly, and we become fearful, pained, and full of thoughts that flog us. As vibrant, as painful, and as hopeless it may seem, there is nothing going on in your mind that is unworkable. Said differently, there is a path to walk, but require your moving feet… so “knowing” the path wont set you free. Walking the path will set you free. A few things came to heart as in read your words.

Consider that perhaps you feel defeated, overwhelmed, stuck, and hopeless. Perhaps because you’ve watched yourself cycle a lot, so those emotions seem justified, truth. They aren’t. They’re just emotions. However, perhaps you have a false understanding of how the mind and body work, which means no matter what you’ve tried, it doesn’t seem to scratch the itch, relieve the suffering, silence the inner critic. This doesn’t mean its not possible to settle, it just means that you don’t make sense to yourself yet. Like “this critical behavior seems random, without cause, inherent… and therefore there is no solution, no possibility of freedom.” You are not that unique, your mind is just like the rest of ours, and subject to the same laws of cause and effect.

So what is really happening? What I see is the following. Imagine that your mind is like a tiny room, a tiny cage. This cage fills up with tons of thoughts… “what you said was stupid”, “no one knows you”, “no one cares”, “you’re stuck here alone with me, forever, bwahaha”. As you shrink and cower from that voice, the prison becomes a little smaller, a little less spacious. Then, the voice notices “see? Hiding deeper inside here, feel those muscle cramps? That means I’m right. Bwahaha.” This voice, however, is just the sound of your own crying hopes bouncing off the walls of the cage. Such as your cry “please, please, I just want peace” echoes of the wall as “you’ll never have peace”. Your cry “I just want to be safe”, echoes as “the only safety is here, alone”. And so forth. Very natural, very usual. Your past strategies have been to fight the voice directly. Such as saying back to it “I am lovable” but then the echo comes back. For every echo, a response, and for every response, and echo. This quickly spirals downward into despair, as though nothing you say or do can silence those echoes. And in part, its true… but the goal isn’t to stop the echoes.

The goal is to blow out the walls, expand them outward and the echoes naturally erode, naturally evaporate. This is done through persistent self nurturing. Said differently, when we self nurture, we grow our space outward, expand our walls, and eventually, they pop like a balloon and we become free. The path is as such:

One day, you wake up and the walls are looming, the echoes loud. So, you hop in the bathtub, light some candles, because you remember somewhere that you need to make space, and decide to give it a try. You sit, feel the water, feel your breath moving in and out of your lungs, feel yourself relaxing, unwinding. Then, when you dry off, perhaps for 5 seconds there are no echoes. You remember something you did and see how the other person genuinely smiled, enjoyed you. Then, that picture is replaced by echoes, and the smile seems insincere, the enjoyment false. The next day, when you wake up, you remember that you’re supposed to be making space, so you hop in the tub again. Then, you breathe, feel the water, let your mind settle a little, and when you dry off, for 10 seconds there is relief. Each time, each cycle of freedom to claustrophobia grows those walls outward, expanding your sense of well being.

This is a well understood and related process, sometimes called “the dharmic sequence” or “the reliable pattern of nature”. Its not a quick fix, such as simply walking out of the cage… simply removing the echoes. Its a path of erosion, expansion, and takes time to grow. It isn’t lined with a removal of the echoes, such as trying to reign in the mind…. rather, the walls expand and the echoes get quieter and quieter.

That being said, hopping in the tub might not be the thing for you. What do you do to self nurture? To show your body that you are kind, gentle, and capable of being nice to yourself? Perhaps you don’t even have any of those? Consider using one of my favorites, which is also what the Buddha taught to solve your very dilemma. Its called metta meditation, and goes a long way to make the mind smooth, peaceful and happy. Said differently, metta is much like a force of warm friendship that quickly expands the walls in the mind, giving it space to breathe, grow and find contentment. Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube if interested. When you get up from the cushion, perhaps that tender glow will last a few moments before the echoes blow it out. The second time, perhaps a handful of moments. The third, perhaps 5 minutes. Onward and outward, dear sister, each time helping your peace last a little longer, become a little deeper. Keep at it, it works for us all. This is why we call Buddhism a practice, because we practice intentionally growing our light and fumble and extinguish it quickly at first, then less and less as we become more skillful.

With warmth,
Matt