Home→Forums→Relationships→It has been almost 5 years since I was "dumped" by a group of 5 "best friends".
- This topic has 12 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 2 months ago by Anonymous.
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September 30, 2016 at 1:28 pm #116800sunflowerbird89Participant
Thank you for taking the time to read.
I am an adult – 25 years old. Until a few years ago, I was a very outgoing and extroverted person with many friends – 5 of them being my best friends. Because of this, I was also a very happy person. However, after college, all of us moved to different cities and moved on with our lives. My 5 friends would meet often. Due to some personal and professional issues, I never had time to meet them and I regretted that. After a few months, I met with all my friends and unfortunately, something went wrong. A friend (lets call her “Jane”) got very upset with me. I tried to persuade her. But, it didn’t work. I tried explaining this to the other 4 friends. They heard me out and said it would all be ok and that they would talk to her. However, when they went to talk to her, things changed, they all yelled at me and finally decided to abandon me. Months later, I sent a group – email that it is sad that we have to leave things so terrible. Only Jane responded saying that they didn’t want to be friends.
Life changed so much after that incident. I stopped talking to everyone and anyone. I am no longer outgoing or fun. I want to move on. In a way, I blame myself. Why would everyone take Jane’s side if I am not wrong? But, does the issue matter? We have been friends for 7-8 years. But, how can they not miss me? How is it so easy to get rid of me? Trust me when I say the reason for the breakup is no big. I can explain, but that would make this post very very long.
Anyways, the reason I am writing here is that I’ve had difficulty moving on and living the life I want. I frequently dream about these people. I am constantly sad. Its been 5 years. I have to move on. I barely talk to anyone new. I constantly doubt myself. I don’t trust myself or others. I constantly think that people are not interested in being friends with me and even when people try to talk, I pull away worried that they will dump me when they do not need me. A few attempts at making friends and I ended up with 2 people who only talked to me because they wanted money or wanted to sleep with me. Now, I have trouble trusting. My self-esteem is sub-zero. I wake up sad because I am not able to move on and be bubbly or fun like I was before. I have other old friends who tell me that I trusted them too much and that its not worth crying over. They tell me to get closure. I don;t know what that is.
September 30, 2016 at 1:45 pm #116803SamParticipantI am so sorry to read your trouble but it would be very helpful if you could explain why Jane was upset with you in the first place.
September 30, 2016 at 1:47 pm #116804AnonymousGuestDear sunflowerbird89:
You wrote: ” I met with all my friends and unfortunately, something went wrong. A friend (lets call her “Jane”) got very upset with me”- well, what went wrong?
You wrote it was not something big that transpired, but the consequences are big- the dissolution of five friendships and the long term negative consequences to you.
I think what it is that happened is very relevant to your thread. Share, if you agree with me.
anita
September 30, 2016 at 2:09 pm #116805sunflowerbird89ParticipantThank you! As I mentioned, I used to be a very fun and outgoing person. This meant, I would occasionally drink and attend parties. After college, I moved to city where an older cousin, who used to be a recovering alcoholic with deep anxiety issues also lived. I was also facing some personal (mild version of depression) and professional issues (lack of job) when I moved – all this prevented me from traveling, or even drinking or doing anything fun. When Jane (who sort of knew that I was unwell and with issues) and others visited, this cousin also visited us because he also knew them. Jane, unaware of my cousin’s deep-rooted fear of drinking, started making fun of me that I was no longer fun and that I was dull and that I should drink and go out more. My cousin, assuming that I was being pushed got very mad and thought he had to defend me. In this process, he firmly said that Jane should be helping me do better in life instead of forcing me to “resort to unhealthy habits”. I guess this offended her. I wouldn’t entirely blame her. We used to make fun of each other. My cousin should not have gotten involved. I tried to put an end and was able to finally get my cousin out of that spot. Then, I apologized to Jane and the others and told them that my cousin was only trying to protect me. This did not help and I tried to explain this to the others and they immediately agreed with me. Jane was not around when I spoke to the rest of the group.
P.S.: We come from a slightly orthodox country and alcohol is a little touchy topic for us. But, everyone drinks.
- This reply was modified 8 years, 2 months ago by sunflowerbird89.
September 30, 2016 at 6:41 pm #116823SatouParticipantHi sunflowerbird89!
It seems like you didn’t make any mistake. Of course you didn’t! Your cousin is the one who made the situation into something big. Although you tried to explain why your cousin reacted, this didn’t help. But, when you explained it to the others, they agreed with you. Then, Jane wasn’t around for the second explanation. Later, Jane responded to your “I miss you guys” email and she said she didn’t want to be friends anymore.
Did you ask her why? Maybe she just wants you to go out and party with them again. Maybe she misses the old you, just like you miss spending time with her.
I would do everything I could to try to get on better terms with Jane. Maybe you can invite her out for drinks and don’t mention anything in your invitation. Just say you guys should go for fun and have a good time. Then, if she accepts, you can have a good time, but maybe consider trying to get closure during that time. So, at the party, wait for a good time, and then bring up that your cousin made you feel really uncomfortable and just explain to Jane that he is a recovering alcoholic, and he gets anxious and angry when people encourage others to drink.
This part of it is really important. The way you bring this up matters a lot. The way I like to do it is like this, I think of people as pretty much all alike in that they all have an ideal version of themselves in their head. We all want to be a better person, and we’re struggling every day to become that better person who we want to be. But, most of the time we can’t do anything to change, so we’re frustrated and we stay who we are, instead of moving closer to that person we want to be. So, when you explain this to her, keep that in mind. Approach it like this, don’t criticize her or say anything about how you thought she was really mean, don’t say anything negative about her reaction. Don’t say anything negative about how she said she didn’t want to be friends, etc. You should say something like, “I really miss spending time with you guys, I felt so bad when my cousin got mad at you for telling me not to drink. I love drinking with you guys and having a good time! I hope we can work this out and spend more time together.”
Listen, it sounds really sincere and it will bring Jane’s mind back to the good times you used to have together. So try to do that when you say this in your own words. What this will do is, it GIVES JANE THE OPPORTUNITY TO BE A BETTER PERSON. Jane wants to be that better person inside her head. She never gets such a perfect chance to rise to the occasion and be that person and forgive you for your mean cousin. But by you saying this in this way, she will not feel like you judged her for responding negatively, but she will be focused on the good times, and she might feel a little sadness that you aren’t together anymore, and she will want to take the chance to be that better person. What a perfect opportunity! She will do it.
If she won’t accept your invitation, you could try again later to see if she is in a better mood, but after a couple tries, if she still doesn’t want to, then you just have to move on. But, I’m hopeful that approaching the situation in this way might help you.
I would not just go out and not say anything about it. It will probably be a big elephant in the room. So, this is the best way I’ve found to bring it up and try to mend things. I hope it works well for you.
September 30, 2016 at 7:35 pm #116826AnonymousGuestDear sunflowerbird89:
From your explanation of the incident, neither you nor your cousin did anything wrong or hurtful to Jane. The fact that “they all yelled at me and finally decided to abandon me” for no reason other than your cousin talking to Jane against encouraging you to drink alcohol tells me that the friendship was based on … drinking alcohol, that drinking alcohol was the glue that held the group of five together and once the drinking was attacked by your cousin, the friendship disintegrated.
Time to make a friendship based on a better glue, and that is empathy and respect, honesty and trust. Evaluate any person in your life that you interact with before getting involved, ask yourself: is this person empathetic to me (and I to him/ her)? Is this person respectful to me? Honest? And over time: is this person trustworthy? Can I depend on him or her?
I sure hope you soon make a good friend a real best friend (not one requiring the ” ” you used in your title, in “best friends”).
Post anytime.
anita
September 30, 2016 at 8:25 pm #116842AnonymousInactiveDear sunflower,
It sounds to me that your cousin was standing up for you for good. You have done nothing wrong. If Jane’s jokes were benign and she were your true friend, would she get so defensive instead of just explaining it was a joke?
Younger age friendships are most often based on going out and having fun, and too often include putting up with jokes in order to be included. We don’t know better at first because it’s all we’ve known so far. It’s understandable that you need to feel like you belong to a group – friends are our second family.
I empathize your situation, feeling lonely and depressed, but it sounds that your friends were only good for that – the jokes, and not stick up for you when you really need them – lack of job, moving places. And your cousin, being the one with the problems, were the one to know better in this case.
Why would you have to put up with Jane’s obvious intent to cut you loose from the group? It is a hard lesson to learn sometimes that people “divide and conquer” in social circles more often than we would like to know and it looks to me that this is what she has done.
As for the rest of the group, in time things change and they may or may not turn around. People too often go with the herd instead of using their own heads to take decisions because it is easier. This is how you tell valuable relationships from unreliable ones.Your’re “not that fun anymore” because there are actual things you have to worry about. You can’t switch your party mood on and off like a button. But no matter how hard it might be to meet new people and not hang out with the ones you are used to, you will meet other people eventually. And maybe not necessarily by drinking and partying if you are not in the mood for this. When so many people were pressuring me once why I don’t drink or stay late anymore I just found new friends in groups organizing mountain hikes. I didn’t know anyone on the events yet I wanted to do things no one would accompany me for, so I just went.
IN the mean time, you have important things to focus on your life – like finding a job.
September 30, 2016 at 8:58 pm #116850AnonymousInactiveIf you try to focus on the experiences you want to have instead of the company of the people, in time you will find this more satisfying. Also, you need something to stand on in order to have more confidence in yourself. It is important to have a job – something that gives structure to your time, keeps you busy, and gives you income. Your own interests – books or movies you like, topics that interest you, experiences that you have, your opinions, anything that you like. These are the things that build up the exterior of who we are and our presence with people. I think that reading a great book or movie would be good for you right now. Find something fascinating or motivating. Some years back I was in similar place when I saw Yes man, or read Erich Fromm The Sane Society
October 1, 2016 at 11:50 am #116886sunflowerbird89ParticipantThank you everyone for responding.
I have come to accept that these ex-friends didn’t really behave as friends then and I should move on. But, the frequent dreams about them and the difficulty making new friends (friendships are easier when we are young) makes me constantly sad and difficult to move on. I know I should just tell myself that things change and that I should learn to make the best out of my otherwise perfect life.
I also want to share with you all that I have been doing good in other aspects of my life. I got a Masters degree after that and a job that I really like. I have grown from the “just-fun” unfocused person into a more focused person. I spend my time learning about important things and on my career. But I feel that I am limiting my social life. I don’t need many friends like before. But, I don’t want to be the shy person with low self esteem and who cannot talk to people. I know I can be better. But, for some reason, I am not. I want to be the socially comfortable person and I want to be able to trust people more (which I was before this incident). I have no friends right now and that makes me sad!
- This reply was modified 8 years, 2 months ago by sunflowerbird89.
October 1, 2016 at 12:26 pm #116889AnonymousGuestDear sunflowerbird89:
Very young people are eager to connect, often desperate and will connect with almost anyone. When older, once out of school/ college and in the work force and thinking marriage, the need to connect is more selective, due to time constraints, stresses of employment, a romantic relationship, often starting a family.
You dream about your group of ex friends from college because, I believe, that was the last time you felt that connection with others we all need to have. You need to connect; you need a social life. But different people, different age group, different values. The connections you will make (one at a time) will be of a different nature, different time line (slower), different circumstances.
You have a gap of a few years of nothing much going on socially, a gap between the old way (school/ college connections) and the new way, yet to be actualized.
Can you list ways for you to meet a future friend, expecting perhaps that it will take longer than making school friends, that the connecting will be of a different character…?
anita
October 1, 2016 at 11:22 pm #116919AnonymousInactivesunflowerbird89,
Once your experience and knowledge is broadened it cannot shrink back, it’s the way we process experiences. You have this idealized picture of the company with these 5 friends which suddenly broke into pieces by that incident. But real friendships are not ideal and also they take daily basis effort to maintain, it means, to be present on every occasion. No matter how often you see each other, when you do, to be present, pay attention to what is going on, what you or the other person is doing or saying, where is they coming from.
You probably miss the comfort of being yourself with no masks, at least that’s what I understand. Usually we have this unconditional acceptance by our parents, and we take this feeling with us during our younger friendships. The world is still small and our social experiences are still limited to having fun. But we all develop in different directions and our small differences start to notice more and more over time. Our conscious perception of the other gets more judgmental with the more experience and knowledge.
Because of that it is much easier to make new friends when younger, and much more effort to maintain adult social life.There is a saying that before it gets easier it must get harder. So now you are in a peak age of having experiences and experiment with different social circles without necessarily investing yourself in friendships if they don’t work for you. To broaden your exposure to social circles and meet bigger variety of people. Get some disappointments, learn from them and get over them, learn to use different masks as this is also an important social skill. Not everywhere and with everybody you will be safe being yourself. This is a privilege you should save for only trusted people proven over time. Yes, Privilege.
So instead of feeling bad about yourself for not being “socially comfortable” recognize that feeling as your personal defense mechanism you need before you make sense of the situation, and that when you eventually do feel comfortable, it speaks to you that the person in front of you is good for you. For the time being.
October 9, 2016 at 4:36 pm #117641sunflowerbird89ParticipantDear Anita, Anonymous and Satao,
Thank you for your insightful responses! I can’t begin to tell you how much lighter I feel now after being heard, understood and advised!Anonymous – I was feeling so terrible for not being socially comfortable. As each day passed, I was expecting things to miraculously change and be the fun cool social person despite not putting much effort. And when those miracles didn’t happen, disappointment would grow. And yes, I was feeling bad – like a bad person for not being able to trust people and not feeling as good as I had once felt. But, I am glad to hear this is normal and that it is fair that my trust has to be earned.
Anita – I like the idea about writing a list! And, I really think I miss not having that connection with people. I should put in some effort into building real connections and a social life. I should be learn to accept that these new connections will be different that my college or school connections. They will take time but hopefully be stronger and more meaningful!
Thanks to both of you for understanding so well. I feel stronger and less crazy somehow!
October 9, 2016 at 7:24 pm #117649AnonymousGuestDear sunflowerbird89:
You are welcome and it feels good reading your energetic post above. As you find a way to connect with another, please do use this forum to connect, this is one of the stated aim of the website: “to connect”- I am a real person, although not one you can see. But real nonetheless. I will reply to you every time you post.
anita
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