Hi,
I’m sorry to hear about the loss of your mother and that you are suffering right now. Your post is titled by a reference to your breakup ‘four years ago’. There is nothing odd or unhealthy in missing someone from your past. I personally don’t think that four years ago is a particularly long time, especially since you were together several years. It sounds as if this ex stands out from the others and this can cause you to think there is something particularly significant about her, which may be interpreted as an indicator that you are supposed to be together. This may be true and, if it is, the only practical advice that can be given is to get back in contact with her. I know this isn’t easy and if she is still in a relationship then getting back into contact for that reason isn’t really advisable. This then leaves acceptance. I know you feel depressed and that her absence is a void, but there is a chance you are projecting your salvation onto her when really you need to working on accepting being single and being happy with being single. Fulfilling, successful relationships are amazing and the healthiest/happiest ones are the ones where each individual is content with themselves. Otherwise the relationship is just an addictive clinging, which leaves each individual feeling constantly anxious in case the relationship comes to an end.

Real strength and contentment will come from putting yourself first and this means you alone, not an idealised relationship. No matter how great she is, she can’t ever save you because you can only do that for yourself. Even if she showed up at your door right now and said ‘I love you and want to get back together with you’, soon enough cracks would start to show because your depressed/suicidal thoughts will not simply be dissolved by being with this girl, even though that is what you think you desperately want. Aim to get some help for your depression if you haven’t and look into its roots; try to detach its roots from her. Most of us are in the habit of looking back on the past through rose-tinted spectacles. Can you be sure this isn’t happening now?

Good luck 🙂

Emmett,

I feel compassion towards you and your heartbreak. We have all been there. Even the rich and famous get their hearts kicked around.

However I strongly feel that you should move on… This girl left you. You didn’t leave her. When a woman leaves she is certain that she doesn’t love you…. or else she would stay and try to make it work… Women by nature are nesters and generally try to make things work before calling it quits. I have never once seen it work out in this situation.

If you’re single you should have 2-3 girls that you’re actively talking to and trying out. Dating is a numbers game in your 20s.

Lastly I am concerned on how little you value integrity… Why would you want to love someone that left you for the arms of another man years ago? The answer is you don’t. Its your ego talking. You want to win… Think of healthy role models. Would tom brady beg for his ex back? ….

The real problem is that you clearly don’t have control over your thoughts or emotions. You allow them to run wild…. Try to develop a meditation practice and you’ll be surprised how clearly reality becomes. Without it, you’ll be doomed to living life full of “what ifs” constantly being played in your head rather than focusing on “what is”… Which is a world full of beauty, abundance, and opportunity.

Lastly. You need a support group of strong male friends. You need to exchange masculine energy with other males… This will tremendously. Iron sharpens iron.

You should at least give it a sincere try. Try to talk to her and express you feeling. There is always chance of rejection but in either way it will be helpful to move on with your life.