Hi Sammy–

Sounds like things are starting to shift/change for you a bit already. For one thing, by the description of the un-evolved ‘ape thing’ I have the impression you’re actively starting to sort through the junk pile and toss things into their respective categories, gaining a little distance in the process.

So you looked back and realized you haven’t drawn for a while. This is normal since ‘survival mode’ is not exactly conducive to ‘creativity’. Now that you are actively in the process of getting things in perspective regarding the ‘ape thing’ and other issues you might find a little bit of a creative spark cropping up for you here and there. I know for me my creativity goes into hiding when bad shit is happening, and it takes a little while for it to peek its head out again. But if you have it somewhere it will never really go away as it’s a part of you.

So a bit about this ‘creative’ thing, at least a start. Yes, creativity or inspiration or the drive to produce comes and goes. True for everyone who’s blessed/cursed with creative impulses. Firstly, for our purposes here, let’ s not call it ‘creative’ per se. Weird but when I’m not feeling particularly ‘creative’, I think of it as my ‘creativity’. When I’m being super productive writing or shooting a video for work, it feels more like I’m just using my skills. Though the end product might be considered ‘creative’ by people on the outside, from the inside, it’s just hard work and building/using my skills and natural instincts.

So that said, I’ll tell you a little bit about my inner ‘creativity’ then about being hired for my ‘creativity’ aka creative skill set, and just what that reality is (in the world of grown-ups), then how it could potentially pertain to you now and down the line as creative person.

First – I was always creative. Always writing stories and plays and film scripts and other things as a little kid. My real inner-inner creative drive is a search; a search for some kind of essence or deep meaning and I don’t even know what that is. It’s very abstract, more of an ‘exploration’ that I can’t really explain, but it’s a drive and it’s really there like a living person in my life. Not always easy, sometimes painful, but it’s always been and always will be.

Now nobody is going to be hiring me for my own personal ‘search’. But over the years I have built on that inner creativity and incorporated other skills. In my case those skills (that I worked up to) have been producing and directing videos for companies. Lots and lots of videos. Some of them the most boring videos you have hopefully never seen in your life, like explaining proper dosages of heart medications to doctors. I have literally put clothespins (they use clothespins on the set to hold fabric up) on my hands while directing some of these videos just because I didn’t want to be the first director in history to fall asleep at his own shoot. Sometimes they are slightly more fun, like semi-funny take-offs of stupid TV shows or movies or other really tacky stuff. This is the way corporate America communicates with itself.

But I love doing it because even though it doesn’t have any ‘deep meaning’ for me, I get to use my creative skills. It builds my creative muscle which really helps when I actually do one of my own projects that I’m really into. My daughter says I can give anything a plot, meaning a beginning, middle and end, which I suppose is something I have learned from this. So when someone comes to me with something to communicate, I look for the story in it and then ‘flesh it out’ until it becomes a narrative.

Here’s the reality of how this goes: Someone from a company’s ‘marketing’ department comes to you with what they need to convey. ‘We need to tell the world our shoelaces are the greatest.’ So I figure out how to tell the story. Sometimes I’m the writer, sometimes someone else writes it and I produce or direct it. Nobody on the creative team gets too invested in it since the reality is that once you come up with the perfect idea, the marketing guy (who doesn’t have a creative bone in his body but is about to launch the biggest shoelace campaign of his career) will want to add his ‘idea’ which sucks, but you can’t tell him how bad it bites since he’s actually the client. So you say, ‘ok, let’s see how that works’, and you stick his sucky idea in somewhere adding a slight improvement that he can take credit for later. In the end you might think it’s sucky but not quite as sucky as you first thought.As they say in the business ‘no babies died’, and everyone’s happy with the way you’ve told the shoelace story. And the fact is you’ve taken something potentially deadly boring and actually made it interesting.

You’ve actually gotten paid for lending your creative instincts and skill set to something. And sometimes they are actually meaningful, cool things (not just shoelaces or heart medications) and they don’t suck at all. What I have really learned from it all that I apply to my own work is how to be flexible and unattached to an idea if it’s not working. How, as Stephen King puts it in his book ‘On Writing’ to ‘kill your darlings’, those ideas you thought were so brilliant and splendid but in fact are not helping tell the story.

This opportunity at non-attachment to my own ideas and also, doing something productive helps me justify my own personal painful ‘creative search’ and helps me not take myself too seriously. And in some ways it’s easier than working on my own stuff – and then I can return to my own stuff feeling kind of refreshed.

A lot of people do this kind of work for all kinds of things – graphic arts and design for print, photography, copywriting, copy editing, video editing, musical composition, you name it. And who are these people? You know, us creative weirdo misfit types with bumpy childhoods and creative instincts who are always on the verge of getting our lives together… Actually some of the greatest most talented people I’ve ever met, several of whom I now consider close friends.

Creativity ‘evolves’ with you. So what might seem like a tiny thing now or a weak little flicker can actually be just the seed for something that will grow with you as you develop those skills.

Okay, so let’s back up a bit out of the ridiculous immaturity of the grown-up world of shoelace manufacturing and see how this could pertain to you and your current situation.

Like I say, really start placing more value on your skills/abilities/creativity. (I don’t allow myself anymore self-deprecating jokes about creative pursuits because even though we think they’re sarcastic, they kind of ‘sink’ in and we create our own negative reinforcement). You wrote that you would be ‘honored’ if someone were to hire you for your creativity. Well, it’s not out of the question down the line so maybe start thinking (don’t put pressure on this or it will backfire!) about what that thing you would do might be.

One great thing that just happened is that you mentioned the charter school. I was going to talk to you about a very cool and open format college I’ve heard about but it actually matches the description of the charter school, so let’s talk about that for now. I think your instincts are telling you maybe to try this. (My instincts were telling me about the college for future reference for you but this is even more relevant to now). And I think it could be a really great thing. Yes, there will be challenges, but there will also be really reinforcing things for you there. And it sounds like a flexible non-uptight environment and a step out of your house.

Remember, facing challenges is a giant scary and wonderful thing, not easy, but you will get a lot from it. You have been facing so many challenges at home- could this be worse? I don’t’ think so, and I also think it would give you some good reference points for your life, a new perspective that will eventually outweigh the other negative reinforcement that has been surrounding you. You’ve had to make your world very small to deal with the surroundings, and getting out of your comfort zone can be a very scary thing, but sometimes scary is good. You could use some fresh input in your brain. And baby steps are ok! I still do them!

I have the feeling your mother might not object so much, since she is also searching for an answer for you in her head, but as we know is overwhelmed by her own situation. And maybe you counselor can help you advocate for this with her?

Keep thinking about moving towards this… Think about it while walking the dogs. Dogs are excellent healers on those walks that buy you a few minutes of freedom out of the house (despite being pains in the ass at the end of the leash).

Let me know what you think/feel about this!

-Mitchell

• This reply was modified 8 years ago by Driftwood.

Dear Sammi:

A laid back online high school experience, as you have it, seems like a good idea for you. I wouldn’t stress about the Charter School. Or college. Watching a movie at home with snacks, almost sounds like a pleasant experience. Hope you are enjoying the movie.

anita

Dear Sammi:

I like your resolution regarding your father: “next year, or the year after.” And I like your statement that you are “not planning to stay here much longer after I finish school (for obvious reasons)”!

Regarding your struggling friend, “Anything I should tell her, to help?” Share your experience with her, tell her how you feel at times and how your feelings change, not staying as low (the nature of feelings) and you can tell her about your two resolutions (re-stated in my first paragraph above).

She may be encouraged by your resolutions, your efforts to make your life better now (not seeing your father) and in the future (moving out) and make her own.

anita

Dear Sammi:

You mentioned two troubling relationships your friend (the first you mentioned) has: one with her father and another with her long term boyfriend. Neither is working for her benefit. You suggested she would be better off with a non-clingy, confident boyfriend, as I understand it.

You wrote that your other friend’s boyfriends are insecure as well and so is your mother’s boyfriend, and that they all seem to be jealous of you for getting the attention of your female friends/ your mother.

And you wrote that you have a “confident personality”-

I am curious as to what you mean by confident-personality; how does it express itself?

anita

Hi Sammi-

Won’t have time to write for several days, but let me just say that it really seems you are gaining ground on your situation. You are certainly reaching out in a good way. Fake it ’til you make it can work wonders sometimes just to get you over the bumpy ride to a better place. Will write soon. -Mitchell

Dear Sammi:

I like your “decision maker and planner” gear and I understand the need to adapt to different situations, different people. Sure you don’t want attention from a person who will hurt you, your mother’s boyfriend, that is.

What a high price to pay, I am thinking, a high price you are paying for the 50% of the rent this man is paying. Again and again, it is the people paying the money who make the rules.

As a “decision maker and planner”- one day, you will be making money and the right and fair rules for you!

anita