@Driftwood: Pardon my late reply, again. Had a friend over. And I ran all across town with another friend, yesterday. More on that later.

With the future visit/vacation, I already feel like I’m going to go into it negatively. What goes up, must come down. The vacation will start, but it will also end. I also feel like I’ll be too deep into my self-conscious thoughts to actually enjoy the experience. If I smile, I’ll be worried about how yellow my teeth are. If we converse, I’ll be worried about how much eye contact is too much eye contact (and which eye I should look at). I’m also worrying that my anxiety is going to go overboard, and I’ll be a shaky mess for the entire trip. But I still anticipate it, because I know there’s memories to be made. Plus, it’ll be something out of the norm. A little reminder that I’m not just stuck in a perpetual loop of misery.

How would I see myself living without anxiety? Fearless. (Was that a pun? That felt like a pun.) I want to be able to keep a conversation going, instead of being a brick wall. And I want to be able to hold confidence in myself, along with my artwork. Really, I just want to be able to value myself as a human being, instead of a waste of space. Instead of “how can I make [task] more convenient for [someone else]?”, I want to be thinking “how can I make [task] more convenient for me?”. I don’t want to spend my entire life putting off my rights as a human for the satisfaction of others. (But I don’t think any teenager, even I, has any right to talk about “the rest of their life”, since they usually make it over-dramatic; only basing it off of the short amount of living experience they’ve had.)

Time ticks, and the seemingly regrettable choice of the charter school looms over me. But I’m hoping it’ll do as much good as you say it will. It’s become obvious to me now that online school does a lot more harm than good for me. (And that I never actually care for doing artwork during school hours, anyways, which was my initial reasoning for switching to online school.)

Baby steps in counseling. I’m having a hard time mentioning anything serious, because it makes me feel degraded, somehow. Maybe degraded is the wrong word, but it makes me feel more like a patient. Less like her and I are on the same level, and more like she has to poke me with a stick from a 20 foot distance, whilst in a biohazard suit. But there is progress.

I never realized I haven’t mentioned the repetitive sleepover tremors to her. It never dawned on me because most everyone I know usually gets to hear my nagging about it. Her and I tried to do some troubleshooting on the subject, with no results. She only suggested doing what I’ve been doing, which is loading up on sleeping/allergy pills. Whatever works, I suppose. I’m hoping that next time, I’ll jump into the subject of compulsive picking, in hopes that we can look for a solution together.

—

Finally finished that commission painting. (Did I mention my friend commissioned me? He did. Here it is. https://s22.postimg.org/s0cda22tr/17_02_11_12_20_39_082_deco.jpg ) We were planning to go out to a café, only to realize that my mom dropped me off at 3:59pm, and the place closed at 4. He brought his cousin, and I brought along my friend who decided to come over the night before. His cousin is a careless, stoned bastard, but also the only one who kind of knows his way around the town. Long story short, (I’m on hour 3 of writing this post) we get stuck outside of his cousin’s dealer’s apartment, then in a foresty area (where he takes a leak), and then at a store (where he loads up on energy drinks), and then a viewpoint (where he smokes cigarette after cigarette). Phone says we walked 8 miles in total, but my legs are short, so it was probably 6. And I’m certain that 4 miles of it was uphill. Anyways, at least I got out. And I got 10 extra dollars, to add to my savings. Plus, my friend’s father now wants me to paint something simple, for $40.

(Here’s a random bonus doodle. Hopefully you’re alright with suicide jokes. https://s21.postimg.org/dnn8liio7/17_01_31_22_05_18_358_deco.jpg )

@Driftwood: Hey again. Glad you’re keeping busy.

I’ve been doing much of the opposite. “Busy” is a word I only ever use as a lie, anymore. My schedule has been getting up at 10am, watching youtube from then until 4pm, skyping the s.o., more youtube, and then sleeping. I really need to be a bit more disciplined, as you state, but I just have certain habits that help me arrange my “schedule” around the household a bit better. I know I’ve mentioned it before, but I have an extremely hard time dealing with school before/when her boyfriend comes home. It fills me with self-doubt, and makes me lose my focus. I don’t do school work in the evening, because of the routine skype call my s.o. and I are used to. It’s usually 10pm after that, and by then I don’t want to do anything but either draw, or sleep. So, this leaves no time for anything remotely productive. But I’m usually pretty optimistic in the mornings, which could make it easy to get some cleaning in. (Random side note, but my “bed” consists of a mattress on the floor. It’s a long story.) And for school, I’ll probably catch up on at one point, when I get the time. I hope.

As far as trying to make the most of the visit; I don’t know. The only thing I can think of is to make the most out of the time I’ll have away from everything (as vague and obvious as that is). For example, sure, maybe I’ll embarass myself by trembling like a small dog, but at least it isn’t a household-drama-induced tremor. I’m also planning to log all of our activities in my journal, so I can always look back on it when I’m back home. I might even bring the Canon, to have more visual memories of it. It’d especially help because taking photos always boosts my mood, since I never really get to be behind my own camera. I’m sure more ideas will come up, since it’s gonna be a while until then.

Not sure – she asked what I’m doing currently to help with the tremors, and I told her about my hoard of sleeping/allergy pills (more or less), and she deemed that as fine. I’ve always wanted to get into aromatherapy/tea, though. I saw a youtuber review these drug-free aromatherapy vape things, and they were pretty cool. They had a mix/blend of certain aromas for every mood. Of course it’s 18+, though (for the simple reason that youngins shouldn’t be smoking anything, which is fair). Doesn’t mean I can’t go out and load up on more incense, though. And tea. The only problem is that going to the local herbal/health store thing is a bit of a pain in the bum because everything is a bit expensive, and trying to get my mother to go is inconvenient. Plus, vermilion tea (which someone told me helps with sleep) is hard to find. The closest thing I’ve found has vermillion in it, amongst other things. It’s a sleep-themed mix, but it tastes like some awful perfume. I would just get lavender incense again, but the smell grosses me out. It’s always something.

—

Sudden realization. I don’t think I like using the term “boyfriend”, because it makes me think of my mother’s poor choices in partners. Wish I made that connection sooner.

I set out to write this post within 30 minutes, but it’s taken me nearly 2 hours instead. I’m very bad at time management, by the way. (Also, there’s, presumably drunk, people yelling outside. It’s nearly 3am. Wish me luck sleeping.)

@Driftwood: Hey. Hope work goes smoothly for you. I’m falling asleep while typing, but I’m gonna try and tape my lids open for long enough to write back.

I’ll try to take care of schoolwork when I get up. I just feel so extremely discouraged for these last few months, since next school year will be something completely new, and fresh. It’s like wanting to skip finishing dinner, to jump to the dessert.

I definitely want to live an overall healthier life when I can move out. It’s one of the few things I watch on youtube, ironically; how people change their diet and lifestyle for the better. I think a lot of both my physical and mental health has to do with my diet of only fast food and candy, and my exercise, which consists of sitting up in bed every now and then. And yes, I meant valerian root tea. Meant to do some spellcheck, but I was sleepy, and sleepy Sammi forgets easily.

—

I had something strange happen to me today. Something that only seems to happen every 8/9 years, actually. I met up with my father. He said he had stuff to give me, and I felt bad that I couldn’t make plans for tomorrow. So, I had to let him come over for a bit, just to break the ice.

You don’t understand how scared I was. I was trembling so bad that I nearly fell down our stairs, outside, infront of everyone. He told me he’d take a while, but didn’t give me an exact time, which gave me 4 hours to rock back and forth, in my room.

Thank the good lord, my mother arrived home as I went outside to find my father. Apparently, he walked here. And he brought my 9 year old half brother. I don’t remember him saying a word, but he gave me cute doodles of a couple of pokémon. My mother made small talk with him, as my father handed me two pairs of air jordans. He’s an oddly kind guy, and suddenly I feel my inner conflict rise. It only gets worse when he hugs me, and tells me not to be a stranger.

I feel lied to. Like I’ve been hiding myself from nothing, this entire time. A part of me doesn’t want any of this to be true, but another part of me says it isn’t to late to keep in touch with him regularly. Also, I really wish everyone would stop trying to buy my affection.

(Irrelevant, but I also had some spare money yesterday, and so I walked to the mall by myself. Despite my heart being at a steady 90bpm, I found me a pink, iridescent backpack for next year. I think it was a responsible purchase, if you ask me.)

@driftwood: Hey. Long time, no see. Hopefully you’ve been putting bread on the table, though. Also, just a disclaimer, it’s 7am, and I’m on my bathroom floor, sick (my friend with a “slightly scratchy throat” came over), typing this up on my old, cracked phone. So, excuse any errors.

When I said lied to, it really spans from my mother, to everyone else. I’m sure you know how everyone makes out absent father figures to be terrible people.

I’ve visited him twice, since then. He’ll message me nearly every night at roughly 10pm, til when I go to sleep. With further evaluation, I really don’t want to be around him. He’s an awful pity party, and nothing is ever his fault. He even went out of his way to blame him leaving on my mother, saying it was her idea to move states, and things got wonky from there. He says that he only stayed here so long cause he couldn’t leave without finding me, and hopefully taking me with him to somewhere east. I am, of course, a doormat, but I have my limits.

Also, this entire thing feels like it’s out of pity. He treats me like a cancer patient, or an intimidating date (gross, I know), more than anything. To him, I’m this wilting flower to be kept alive, and I obviously suddenly need his help, after 16 years.

Whenever I’m with him, my anxiety goes haywire. I’m usually lost in derealization until I can leave. I just don’t feel comfortable around him, because he’s so uncomfortable. Last time, I told him I don’t eat in the afternoon, and then he insisted I eat repeatedly the entire drive home. (Yes, I actually let him drive me home. He insisted, and prolly wouldn’t wait long enough for my mother to pick me up. Also, he chugged an entire glass of beer before this, so I knew I was in safe hands.)

I don’t know. He’s nice, but it’s a uncomfortably fake “how can I win you over?” nice. He bought me an entire outfit to wear to the last time we hung out. I hate when people buy me things, I’m sure we’ve been over this. He’s especially not the richest person in the world (at all, was homeless some few times) .

As for the discipline thing, I really haven’t been able to start. This father stuff is only more baggage, which is making me just want to hide under my covers for forever. Though, I did log into school, at one point. Only to really talk to my teacher about our common tastes in music, though. I know, I need to be the one to make the first step towards treating myself better, but it’s so hard. Don’t think I’m not blaming anyone but myself.

And counseling appointments haven’t been about anything but my relationship with my father. And my inability to stand up for myself, for the fear of it backfiring. She even asked me last time how exactly do I stay sane with everything going on. I couldn’t form a response.

Alright, my throat’s on fire, and my legs are pressing into this plasticy hardwood floor quite hard. Also, would it be more convenient to email you? I dunno. Happy Easter, if you poof for another month. Kidding, of course.

–

Also, I wanted to treat my scratchy throat friend to a dinner at a mutual favorite restaurant of ours, and then mother brought her waste of space along. He demanded we get two seperate tables, and the restaurant was packed. It made me feel awful, and guilty of not being able to cooperate with someone I live with. He would purposely lag behind me when walking to/fro the car, as if I was an infectious plague. Went out of his way to make indirect jokes about me. While in the car, he said the dogs need to get a job in a year, in this sarcastic tone, which I knew was aimed at me. It killed my appetite at the restaurant. I ended up dry heaving for 30 minutes the next day.

@Driftwood: Howdy. Quite some weird errors going on with the text coding. This probably isn’t the best time to be replying as I’m still teary-eyed and scattered-brained from a recent, irrelevant event. Maybe I’ll explain at the end of the post.

One day, I’ll discipline myself. Today was another visit to the mall alone, if that counts. Two of them, actually. More on that later. I might stop by the local health store soon. I go in there regularly, after sushi with a friend. I never really have the spare money to buy anything, though. I’m currently having a problem with being dissatisfied with my cheap tea selection at home, but I’m also not willing to pay 10 dollars for a little thing of matcha powder. I’ll probably give in eventually, though. I have a hard time spending my spare money on consumables, but it’s nearly impossible to get my mother in there more than once a year.

As for my father – rah. We’re going through that phase after an awkward date, where you talk to one another less and less. It doesn’t help that I’ve been sick for the past 2 weeks, so it sounds like I’m lying when I have to reject plans. The last I heard from him is he’s trying to move up to seattle, and get me to do the “back and forth” custody thing. But not only is Seattle a 3 hour drive from here, but it’s pricy. I have no idea what he’s thinking. He desperately wants to move out of state, and he wants to take me with. I don’t know how to say “no” nicely.

As for my half brother, I don’t know if he’s comprehending everything. I feel like he’s more so of an excuse for my father to guilt me into hanging out with him. He, my half brother, is mostly the decision maker, taking the fact that my father doesn’t want to make any decisions, and I’m always too scared of the potential outcomes to. So whenever it’s “what should we do now?”, I usually let my half brother choose. He knows I’m his sister, but he seems like he couldn’t care less. Whenever I have to say no to hanging out, he, my father, guilts me with “your half brother misses you”. I’m not even sure if he’s spoken a word to me, and I don’t know what I’d say to start conversation with him.

Thanks for all your insight, by the way. I know that’s kind of random, but I really do appreciate getting another view on things.

–

It’s been nearly an hour and a half,  and I’ve only just now been able to dry my eyes. My favorite store clerk at the nearby mall leaves for a city 3 hours away tomorrow. I know, I’m ridiculous for being so weepy over such a thing.

But it’s been a blessing to be able to absorb his positive energy nearly every weekend, for the past year or so. I became excited to enter the store, because I usually knew he’d be there, and he’d make my day. It’s also safe to say that he’s been a huge encouragement to my pretty eccentric and “out there” style. To suddenly not have that guaranteed backing, it kinda sucks.

He told me yesterday that he’d be at the mall today, so I ran over at 1pm, only to learn that his shift was some hours later. So I splurged to make myself feel better, and I went back home. Then, I went back a bit later.

I got his instagram username, and I got to hug him for the last time. He said he’ll miss my friends and I. I walked out, sat on a local bench, and before I knew it, I was sniffling.

The walk home was rainy. Earlier, whilst leaving the house, I panicked and grabbed my froggy umbrella, fit for a 5 year old. So there I was, holding back my tears in the rain, under a small green umbrella, with pop-up eyes. I basically completely lost it when I passed my mother’s boyfriend’s stupidly massive truck in the parking lot. I feel completely surrounded by negativity now, and like I won’t have that pick-me-up feeling for a while.

Hey.

I might’ve forgotten to mention that I hung out twice with my father and little brother since I saw them that first time. To clarify a bit, the time that they visited my apartment was my first time meeting my brother, and the first time seeing my father in several years. Don’t know what the situation is with his mother, but I think it’s a back-and-forth situation.

Doing the Seattle thing would be pontentially awful for several reasons.  The first being my mother fighting it tooth and nail. The divorce and custody battle, some years ago, was extremely harsh. I don’t imagine her letting go easily. Transportation is also worth mentioning. I really have my heart set on the charter school, and I’m not gonna endure a 3 hour commute, to and fro, daily. Also, I have an inkling that my father wouldn’t give me any privacy, in hopes to make up for the past 16 years. That’s quite a problem, taking the fact I’ve grown to appreciate isolation.

The actually “is this the day?” thing seems doable. Baby steps are my favorite kind of steps.

The closest asian grocer is 10 minutes by car. Though, I could probably pester my mother into taking me, since it’s been a couple of years. I’ve actually been meaning to go for green tea ice cream. It’s the only place you can get it in tubs around here.

Howdy, howdy, howdy. My Driftwood Reply Senses (TM) were tingling, so I figured I should check the forum.

I’ve been hearing more high school horror stories from my friends, and now this charter school thing is really hanging over my head. The realization that I’ll be stuck outside of the house for 7 hours a day is kicking in. I don’t think I’m mentally prepared in the slightest, though I know things will probably only change for the better.

Of my biggest concerns, I worry a lot about who I’ll meet. I, obviously, like to keep to myself, but I know making a friend or two is inevitable. I mostly fear the darn dreaded drama. My friend, whose house I’m staying at currently, just told me that every time she hangs out with her male friends, everyone thinks she’s flirting with them, behind the backs of their rather insecure female companions. Eugh. This was a real eye-opener to the level of maturity that I’m gonna be surrounded by. But no one can predict the future (no matter how much glittery eyeshadow and sheer, baggy clothing they put on), so it’s rather useless to be stressing about any of this.

I’ll go through the article you sent tomorrow. I’m quite winded from running around today. Hopefully that’s alright. I really appreciate you finding me resources to help me get out of this rut. Don’t stress too much about replying, but I do always look forward to your posts.

—

Little over a week ago, Mother and I stopped by the local acoustic instrument store. I left with a ukulele. I quite like my ukulele.

The only upsetting thing is that I get maybe 2 hours each weekday to myself to practice. It sounds like a lot, but it really isn’t. The little thing is loud, and I feel uncomfortable having the household hear me practice. I don’t know what kind of mocking that would lead to, and I don’t wanna find out.

These weekends have become slow without being able to practice playing; though it gives me a reason to look forward to waking up on the weekdays. I think I might’ve found something I actually get excitement from doing.  It’s too early to tell how long this’ll last, though.

Art has become more of a chore, with all of the commissions and gifts. Fun fact, 8 of my paintings currently reside in someone else’s house. I was thinking about it some more, and my mother’s boyfriend’s daughter presumably doesn’t get paid for her dancing, so I must be doing something right. Right? Then again, she has a leader’s permit, and social life, which both rank pretty high on the “proud parent” meter.

On a different note, I’m completely failing school. Pray for me.

@Driftwood: I’m just gonna dig for your email address from a few pages ago, and continue conversation from there. We’re both having trouble with the forums, and I think I’ve dragged on this thread for way too long. See you there.