Issues letting go after a break up..

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This topic has 12 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 3 months ago by Anonymous.

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June 2, 2016 at 8:13 am #106294
Brittany
Participant
Hey lovelies,

My previous relationship ended about 10 months ago. I was a basket case of disaster for about the first 6 months. Depression, anxiety, daily activities were affected the whole 9 yards.. The weirdest part was that I was also questioning the relationship and wasn’t sure if we were right together. But as soon as he ended it it felt like my soul was being shattered. Now 10 months later I’ve started to get back to normal I just had a amazing month long backpacking trip to Asia where I was the happiest I’ve been in a solid year. But the unfortunate part is that he is still involved in some of my social activities (club sports team where I am heavily involved) and avoiding seeing him again (and his new girlfriend) is getting harder and gives me constant bouts of anxiety when I think about it. I’m having such a hard time wanting him to be happy, forgiving, and letting go. All the avoiding him is affecting my daily life and stopping me from my regular routine and I’m tired of it.. But I don’t know how to face seeing him again.. Any advice? I’m tired of letting someone who hurt me so badly still control my life almost a year later.
- This topic was modified 8 years, 6 months ago by Brittany.
June 2, 2016 at 8:29 am #106296

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Brittany:

Your post, as I see it, is about attachment. You formed a strong emotional attachment to this man. When we are born, as babies, our first emotional attachment is to the main caretaker, most often the mother. Then throughout one’s life this main attachment changes, other attachments form, develop, end, etc. When you got involved with your ex boyfriend you carried with you your history of attachments and boom, formed one with him, over time.

It hurt so much and still does because when a strong attachment ends, it does feel like the end of the world, doesn’t it?

If you want to examine the nature of attachment, your history of attachment, it can provide you insight and understanding that will help you along. Would you like to do that?

anita

June 2, 2016 at 4:25 pm #106327

Brav3
Participant

Hi Brittany,

I am in a similar situation. My ex Gf works at the same work place. She broke up with me 4 months ago on a sudden after 2.5 years or living together and I have been picking up my life slowly. Although, I feel like I am getting out, some days can be very painful. I get that same bouts of pain and anxiety when I see her or her car. She is with some guy now and I know I will have to face that situation as well sooner or later.

There are things that I do , that you can try.

1. Create a breathing space by cut loose everything that gets you stuck in the emotions This applies to what you can do without any significant loss. For instance, if you can change your club sport team, great, if you can’t because of significant loss, then don’t. ( I can’t change my job, so I have to endure seeing her everyday) Same goes for common friends. Either request them not to ever talk about him or find new friends ( I cut off and started making new friends). However, there will be times that you might end up facing him. Yes, you will shit but then it will make you stronger for the next time. And then later in life, you will have no problem. So, think of it as it is making you tough, strong and increasing your resilience.

2. Cultivate acceptance and letting go daily This means to remind yourself daily your present is that he is your ex and those good memories are nothing but thoughts that passes away. See them as just thoughts and feelings and let them pass, they will go and then return again. You continue to label them as thoughts and feelings and let them pass again.

3. Remind yourself times when you were questioning your relationship Do you want to be that miserable girl who stayed in the relationship just because she was sacred of being alone? Or do you want to be this new single, happy girl, who’s got room now for exciting new people to come in her life?

Attachment comes from clinging to certainty, from fear of unknown, and from being deluded to the truth that everything in this world continues to change. We hold on to people or things as if they were ours to possess. However, as described in law of impermanence, when things or people or situations changes, which they always do, we suffer because we grasp to something that is gone. If we only learn to accept and let go, we find freedom in present.

Brav3

June 2, 2016 at 11:47 pm #106342
Evan
Participant
Hi Brittany,

I can only offer one thing….. accept what is! If you have feelings for him, then accept that. If you still love him, accept that. If he drives you mad with anger…. accept that.

What ever you resist…..persists!

I’m not saying you should rekindle the desire, and love him wholeheartedly, and send him flowers etc…. I’m saying accept what is within you. Be soooooooo honest with yourself, and know your feelings as real and true. Only then, once you completely accept what is… can they be released.

There is no skipping this step – accept every feeling, every fantasy, every desire, every truth. Then allow it to be within in you, and allow it to be free….

Best

Evan
- This reply was modified 8 years, 6 months ago by Evan.
June 15, 2016 at 3:45 pm #107395

Brittany
Participant

@anita: Ive always had a big issue with attachment. Even though as soon as I logically think about things I know that we are better off apart and he would have just caused me more heartache if I was to stay with him. But I am having such a hard time letting go… I defiantly would like to get to the root of the problem!

@Brav3: I am unable to change clubs unfortunately, but thankfully though he has not been around at any of the events I have been at though I know I will have to face him eventually. I’m not necessarily worried about seeing him but I have no desire to ever meet his new gf, who always seems to be with him… But I know those things are out of my control and all I can do is work on myself and get to a point of acceptance. I do need to remember that I was questioning things. I recently heard from a mutual friend that he is in a bad mental state currently. While a part of me feels bad for him, I should also be relieved about not having to deal with the mood swings and bad treatment, as I have been there before. All about the small victories…

@Evan: acceptance is the only way to go! It’s just a much slower process than I anticipated it would be 🙁

Thank you all very much for your replies!! They have been a big help. I’m thankfully in a much better head space now then I was when I made this post.. I’ll be ok eventually 🙂 just a long slow process..

June 15, 2016 at 7:31 pm #107402

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Brittany:

I am glad you were (and hopefully still are) in a better “head space” when you wrote the above. You wrote that you always had a big issue with attachment, having such a hard time letting go. You wrote that you would like to get to the root of the problem. Attachment is a natural phenomenon in the animal world, humans included. First we are attached to our mothers/ main care taker. If you’d like to explore attachment further, how it is for you, please post here about it and we can communicate back and forth.

anita

June 16, 2016 at 9:45 am #107447

North
Participant

I like the comment about attachment, but I framed it as ‘reminders’. I can not forget the ex because of the constant reminders that I have all around me. He has since left the state so it is way easier for him to move on (and also because he has a new GF, so obviously he is not thinking about me). I was so attached and even obsessed at the break up point, that he consumed by every thought for months. it has now been 8 months, and the thoughts and now spreading out, and I even laugh occasionally. I never knew how deep emotions can run and am truly astounded about the complexity and level of hurt that I have actually endured. It almost killed me. I have not gotten to the point that I have hope that I ever will love or feel again, but I can say that I survived 8 months. Evan is so right about acceptance. I know I have to accept my feelings for him, accept what he did to me and eventually forgive… but I am not ready yet. Certaintly moving towards those things but if I said I did I would be lying to myself. As long as I can recall, I am a bad forgiver,… I will accept, but not forget and forgive and this may be enough… I really don’t know. I find I have to actively try to not think about him and I keep busy, and when not busy, my mind wanders. Keep busy.

June 16, 2016 at 10:27 am #107454

Evan
Participant

Hi North,

I am glad you are accepting, which is such a big thing! Acceptance is being true and authentic with yourself, and if I may offer an idea for yourself and Brittany….

There is no need to stop your thinking, as this puts energy back into those thoughts you are trying to ignore or stop. Simply bring your focus on to yourself, and how you feel, and what you hold within. This is a discipline, as you already know 🙂

With regard to forgiveness, Perhaps we play with the word for a moment. To give something is a gift. How can you give something you do not have? Forgive is not for another person, it is for you. It is what you ‘give’ ‘for’ yourself.

It could simply be some space, or an internal willingness to release your anger for yourself, to drop the burden of mental structures you carry about yourself, to allow yourself to be open, and allow yourself to love.

Forgiveness is not agreement, nor does it necessarily mean to forget. Perhaps let go of some harming thoughts, but we have a mind for a purpose. In a world where everyone can be trusted and is authentic, then yes… forget.

I truly hope this help for the next few steps, as this next step is freedom 🙂

Take Care

Best

Evan

June 16, 2016 at 9:34 pm #107491

XenopusTex
Participant

I understand. Attachments are hard to break. Sometimes you are more attached to the memory or idea of somebody than the actual person.

September 8, 2016 at 12:39 pm #114651

Brittany
Participant

@anita
Sorry I haven’t replied for so long. I would defiantly like to explore my attachment issues a little more. I thought I was doing ok for the last couple months. But the last week, I’ve had a bad down spiral and I feel like I regressed about 6 months in my progress. Everything is coming back and I’m dwelling on all the terrible things he said to me and feeling worthless..

September 8, 2016 at 2:21 pm #114663

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Brittany:

The right place to thoroughly explore the attachment issue is in psychotherapy with a competent, empathetic therapist where you feel safe. The motivation behind attachment is the need for Safety. Within the safety of competent therapy such exploration is possible and if you persist, it will be successful.

Here, we can start looking into it. Will you share about your earliest relationship: the one with your main care taker. It is usually the mother, but not necessarily. I will be back to the computer in a few hours and if you write by then I will respond.

anita

September 9, 2016 at 5:23 am #114712

Lonie
Participant

Do I post my thoughts here?

September 9, 2016 at 8:56 am #114738

Anonymous
Guest

* Dear loniefaye: this is the right place for you to post your thoughts about what the original poster shared. Every thread is started by an Original Poster (OP) and is dedicated to the OP. So, any thoughts you have for the OP, this is the place.
anita
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