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  • #118442
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Sammisakura:

    Your birthday is tomorrow then. I am sorry it cannot be a better birthday.

    Your mother has arranged for you to have counseling so to not take her live-in boyfriend’s abuse of you so seriously? Ridiculous. It is her job as your mother to NOT have a person who abuses you live in the home with you! Before counseling, remove the abuse, for crying out loud!

    Too bad you are in this situation. I am so sorry. I too wish you could move out already. It is possible, is it, to go through the courts and legally emancipate yourself and move out, with some government help.

    I would vote for your legal emancipation and arrange for your living away from your mother and her current live-in boyfriend as well as any of her series of boyfriends in the past. You need a safe home, one where you feel safe, not scared.

    I wonder if there is an agency (depending where you live) that can help you. Maybe one of the “Free Resources” on the home page of this website?

    I am so sorry. I too grew up in a home where I wasn’t safe. Post again, anytime.

    anita

    #118457
    Sammi
    Participant

    Hi Anita! Thank you for taking the time to read and respond thoughtfully!

    Yes, my birthday is tomorrow. It’s only one step closer towards a brighter future, I’d like to think.

    Thank you for your sympathy and support, I truly appreciate it. Emancipation is a thought I’ve gone over many times before, but I just don’t think I could do it all by myself. Any housing around here is well over $1000 USD, and not very many of them would take emancipated children, either. Any job I could get right now wouldn’t be nearly enough to cover what rent and bills would add up to. Traveling out of state would only be more money down the drain. I don’t think it’s an option right now, as much as I wish it was, and as much as I wish I had the motivation to go find a job, and work. Being in public alone is a scary thought, and being stuck at a job alone, surrounded by strangers, is another scary thought. I think my best choice is to stay put, and take advantage of having a roof over my head for free, for the time being. Change is scary, though well-needed. I just worry that if something does change, I’ll end up in an even worse situation, or a situation where I can’t contact my friends/boyfriend. I wish my father was a more trustworthy person, so I could just request to live with him. There’s just not much to be done right now. And I’m sorry that you had to grow up in a similar environment. How did you cope? How did you get through it?

    #118501
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Sammi:

    Happy Birthday, as happy as it can be in your circumstances: make some of it good…

    I didn’t think you can make emancipation happen all by yourself, of course. You will need help. If there is help available for you, as an abused child- an agency or program available for you, in your situation, I hope you can contact such and be helped.

    As to your question: how did I cope and get through it? Not well. The cost to my well being was severe. I lived an adult life of dysfunction and further misery for decades after leaving the actual home-of-origin.

    You mentioned friends and a boyfriend- I had neither when I was a child, so I am hoping life is a … bit better than mine was, that you are somehow in a not as-bad a situation as I was (so that the severity of the consequences in my life will not be your own).

    Post anytime- if it helps for you to do so and receive my replies, I am very motivated to reply to you every time you post (when I do have internet at home, which I haven’t for days and am using a business location).

    anita

    #118507
    Peppermint
    Participant

    Dear Sammi,
    I am sorry that you are in such a bad situation. The boyfriend of your mother sounds like a horrible person, I would hide in my room as well! No matter what your mother says, it is not and should not be normal behavior to call people names.

    You wrote: “I lay down, in the dark, for 20 minutes, something clicks, and then I have an uncontrollable tremor that keeps me up for hours.” This statement worries me. Are you afraid he could come into your room? Can you lock your room?

    I don’t feel qualified to give you advice, but I had some ideas while reading your post so here it is anyway.
    1. Get a new therapist/counselor. From what you wrote she sounds useless. for starters she had 1 1/2 years to file that report. I’m also curious what she suggested how you deal with your mothers boyfriend.
    2. I think you need to get out of the house more. Options that come to mind: doing some of your studying at the library, joining clubs/ volunteer groups. Getting a small job. I know especially the last one might be daunting, it certainly was and is for me. But anything you do that gets you in touch with other people is great and you can learn something (even if it’s only those cleaning skills 🙂 )

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 6 months ago by Peppermint.
    #118531
    Sammi
    Participant

    Hi!


    @Anita
    : My birthday was surprisingly alright, besides my father’s constant harassment. He’said really trying to get me to meet up with him, and he won’t take no for an answer. And maybe I’ll ask my counselor about some options for help, but change is still very scary.

    I’m very sorry to hear that you didn’t cope well. I can only hope that you’re better now, or will become better soon. My boyfriend and two other close friends do help me out a lot, and I’m so very thankful for them.


    @Peppermint
    : Thank you for taking the time to read through and reply. I’m not too worried about him breaking in at this time of night, just because he’s usually in a deep sleep, since he has to get up early. I don’t have a lock on my bedroom door, but at times I’ve stacked up a few full boxes in front of it, just in case. Usually when the tantrums are extra noisy.

    Thank you for the suggestions. I really do appreciate any opinions on the situation, because I’m at a loss.

    In regards to #1, I don’t know. I have a bit of an attachment to my counselor, and I’m not sure if I have the energy to open myself up to someone else, all over again. She doesn’t ever have many suggestions besides getting out of the house, and meeting people at certain gatherings – basically your second suggestion.

    I always contemplate leaving the house for a little bit (I live across the street from a mall, and a lot of shops and such) but I never know what I’ll come home to. The thought scares me too much to leave. Even if it’s just him and I home, and we pass eachother with silence, it’s still painfully uncomfortable and awkward. It ruins my day, even. I’ve gotten to the point where when I’m in the same room as him, I have a natural tendency to turn the other way. Or whenever he talks, even if it’s on the phone with someone, I need to play some music to just block out his voice. Jobs are scary, and just a wittle too much stress for right now, especially with school breathing up my neck, and such.

    #118537
    Driftwood
    Participant

    Hi Sammi-

    As the father of a 16 year old girl I am In touch with your age group. I can tell you that your writing skills are very strong. You are clear thinking and I can see you working your way through this situation and coming out unscathed.

    You are an intelligent, evolved, insightful person who unfortunately has to try to survive a bad situation with an abusive person. But you are really okay. In all of this, you are evolving and he is not. Think about how sad and pathetic he is. What lies under his abuse is fear, past abuse, and who knows what else. That will never change. If you were to go visit him x number of years from now when he is on his deathbed (not that you would or should) you would find the same unevolved bitter man. He will take these problems with him to the grave. You will not.

    So look at it this way- while you may be stuck in this bad situation with him for a few more years, you are also free and evolving in a way he is incapable of. You are doing the right things, are very healthy mentally, and have surrounded yourself with as much support as is available to you right now. And most importantly, you have some ‘distance’ on the problem, that is, you have it in perspective, which is exceptional for your or any age.

    Try not to let it take all the joy out of your childhood- something that should be your right, and something no one has a right to mess with. Down the line it will be important for you to keep a vigilant eye and make sure you don’t ‘repeat’ the phenomenon, meaning that it doesn’t find its way into relationships you have since we humans often defer to things that are familiar to us, or repeat the patterns of our parents (despite our better judgement).

    And by the way – you do have another skill – something that will serve you well. It is your writing and clear thinking. So think about incorporating writing/communications into your future. I realize none of this is easy but I have no doubt that you will come out of this situation okay, and that the inner strength I see in you will win out.

    #118542
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Sammi:

    I am glad your birthday was alright. I can relate to something you wrote in your last post: being afraid to leave home because you don’t know what you will be coming back to. As a child and onward, your age, I too was afraid to leave the apartment where I lived with my mother. I was anxious being away because I didn’t know what was going on there, in what state she was in. I hated THOSE surprises, that is returning to an angry, violent mother. I preferred to stay and be in some sort of… control, a sense of control in that I controlled NOT getting terribly surprised.

    Thank you for your concern. I have been healing from my childhood traumas in the last five plus years, ever since my first psychotherapy with a competent, empathetic, hard working and professional therapist. Doing well.

    Post anytime.

    anita

    #118544
    Nan
    Participant

    I see that you indicated you are home=schooled, which can be quite isolating in itself. Hard to make friends or a social life, if isolated like that. Is the home-school situation a choice or is there a reason you could not attend a neighborhood school instead of the isolated life you have. Just curious, as the social interactions in a usual high school may or may not help you to cope with things. Also the counselors at the local schools are well-versed in teenage issues and are helpful also.

    #118580
    Sammi
    Participant

    @mitchellspielberg: Thank you for taking the time to reply! You made some very great points, that I haven’t even considered before. Also, thank you for your kind comments.

    I think I’m doing the best possible things I can in this situation. And I really appreciate that you can identify mistreatment, as a father. I would hate for someone else to go through this. Though it’s inevitable, that doesn’t mean there can’t be some prevention.

    As far as childhood goes – to me, it ended very long ago. The magical, innocent feeling we all know is not something I’ve felt for quite some time. I went through other abuse when I was very young. I’d rather not bring it up, just because I don’t want to make anymore of a sob story out of myself than I already have. And mentally, I’ve always been a few steps ahead. I’m reaching that point where I have this urge to spread my wings, and I feel like staying around the nest is pointless. In reason, I know it’s irrational, because I really wouldn’t survive a day on my own. Oh dear, I rambled a bit.

    And as far as writing goes – it’s an old passion. School’s kind of killed any interest I might’ve had for it. Writing bland prompt after bland prompt for years has made it more of a chore, and doing it as a hobby is just kind of a dreadful thought. Though, I still love grammar and editing (just because it reminds me of first grade literature classes) and I edit some of my friend’s work from time to time. It’s nothing special, really.


    @Anita
    : Hi again.

    I can completely agree. Even having control over little things like that is pretty comforting. I’m always trying to plan things into ways that’ll bring me the least amount of discomfort. When I did manage to work out, during the summer, I would always make sure that I would be home by 1pm. He comes home around 2pm or later. I always make sure to grab something from the kitchen around that time too, or after everyone is asleep that night. I walk my two dogs daily with my mom, right after she comes home. Sometimes, he comes home first, and I usually wait for him to go to their bedroom for whatever reason, before I go to the livingroom to put on my shoes and leave. He’s caught onto it though, and likes to point it out. I’ve managed to take a deep breath and just quickly get my stuff and go, while he’s still in the livingroom. I have a slip-on pair of shoes I put on daily, just so I spent as little time in the livingroom as possible. I almost think it’s ocd-related, just because I have some extremely compulsive habits, and excessive planning has become one of them.

    I’ve been thinking, to soothe my worries of coming back home a little, I can leave to go to the mall while everyone’s still gone, and then text my mom to pick me up when she gets home. Though, sometimes, she’s stuck working late. Well, I probably won’t be able to go for a while, just since I have my online classes in the afternoon, and everyone is home all day on the weekends.

    I’m very glad to hear that you’re doing well! I can only hope that I can heal after all of this is over, too. My counselor said that with the cortisol(stress) surges I get daily from him, it can lead to PTSD. It’s a little unnerving, but I’m always trying my best to de-stress as much as possible. I do aromatherapy, listen to soft music, and take brisk walks, daily.


    @nan
    : Thank you for your reply.

    I’ve been homeschooled for the past 2 years, by my own choice. I was miserable in both elementary and middle school. Being around people, mainly people my age, only makes me feel more isolated. I’ve heard from a former middle school classmate recently, and she apparently thought I was so miserable that I could’ve easily been suicidal. I wasn’t, by the way, I just really didn’t like being there. I prefer isolation, or being surrounded by a few very close friends. (Two of my middle school friends come over on the weekends.) I can’t be around people all the time either though, I get drained and grumpy after talking to people after a few hours.

    In my opinion, online school is a lot easier on me. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t get stressful though, but what school doesn’t? It’s just convenient and extremely flexible. If I want to paint at 9am – with the morning sun shining in – instead of being trapped in a classroom, I can. I’ll forever be grateful for that. Plus, it’s a long story, but I’ve moved to another city and moved back after a few years, so if I were to transfer to the local highschool, I would have to encounter former best friends, who cut me out of their life. I don’t think I want to endure that. Also, as mentioned previously, I don’t know what I’d come home to. And the bus ride home would be unimaginably horrendous.

    #118582
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Sammi:

    I like your writing as well. I see how planning helps you to exert control over your situation best you can. Didn’t think about it till this moment: did you tell your mother how you feel? Is it at all an option, that if she knew how her boyfriend is harming you, that she will initiate getting him to move out???

    anita

    #118588
    Sammi
    Participant

    @anita: Thank you. 😀

    I’ve told my mother before, as I briefly mentioned in the main post, but she doesn’t take me seriously. I’ve told her nearly everything (I’ve left out unhelpful details, like my self harm and such), and she just can’t wrap her head around it. From what I’ve heard, she’s grown up in a worse enviroment. She always goes on about how much better I have it than she had it growing up. I’ve suggested moving out multiple times, but as I mentioned before, rent is pricy. Though I’ve provided many cheap options to her, and potential financial aid specifically aimed at mothers and children fleeting domestic violence, she said no. She doesn’t like change, she’s been working the same job for 10 years, with no raise. I don’t think she understands the difference between good and bad treatment. I didn’t either, until people around me started making it more apparent.

    Important little detail: She was actually planning to start dating the past guy again, once he got back out of prison. Even after the physical attacks and stalking. I’ll never be able to understand her choices.

    #118626
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Sammi:

    I see. No hope there, then. That is unfortunate, for you. Wish she saw your distress and took it seriously.
    anita

    #118633
    Driftwood
    Participant

    Hi Sammi-

    You bring back an early memory for some reason. When I was very little, a kid came over to play and we built a little city in the dirt with roads, and little mud and stone buildings. A little jewel of a city, a miracle of engineering to me when I was five or six. He then asked me if I liked the city, and when I said yes, he said ‘Oh yeah
? ‘ and proceeded to kick it back to the stone age until it looked like a bombed out desert city, a pile of dirt and sticks. A whole civilization destroyed! What a hurtful violation of what I thought was a joint ‘creation’ Obviously I will never forget this betrayal as even back then it crushed me both in terms of trust, and also creatively. (He later went on to become a major ass in high school. Now, in retrospect I think ‘What an unhappy child he must have been.’) But at the time it made me wary of other kids, not without reason – and that was just abuse from a kid!

    When someone is abusive, they are constantly trying to pull at your foundation stones for subconscious reasons of their own. And the healthy reaction (which you have had) is to keep constantly replacing the foundation stones to keep a sense of self and sanity together. However the fallout that occurs from constantly having to rebuild to ground level just to maintain, is that you often don’t get to build your ‘house’, to go further with things just for yourself. And this can lead to not placing the proper value on yourself and in things that are your right. Unfortunately this can become an ingrained habit long after the abuser is out of your life and no, that’s not good enough.

    Part of that fallout is chronically undervaluing yourself and things you do. Not in an overt way – it just kind of creeps in. It is very subtle.

    Just because something comes naturally or easily to you doesn’t mean that it is less valuable. Putting stock in yourself and in your talent/s is a skill to be learned, like anything else. (Trust me, I am still learning it.) This ‘effort’ is doubled for us ‘creative types since our emotional issues/low self image can spill into not fully valuing those skills we use to express ourselves, whether they are painting, writing, acting, dancing or whatever. Don’t take yourself or your skills and talents for granted. They are the building blocks. It takes time, but learn to take yourself seriously (I mean this!).

    School, for many of us (my daughter’s major complaint), can be a great killer of inspiration. So don’t let that color your view on your writing which, I will point out, you do call a passion! That’s not to say you have to become a ‘writer’ per se for a living, but valuing and building on that skill will lead you other fulfilling places be they college, a graphic arts or writing internship at an ad agency, who knows
? (I am planting this seed – pursuing these or other things are your right! You can do this.)

    One of the reasons I have time to write all this right now is that I’m waiting to hear back on a job that involves my skill and creativity. There are a lot of moving parts, but one person wants to hire me based on my talent and experience. They hardly know me – and guess what – there’s that little voice in me that STILL says “Who me? Nah
aw, shucks folks, I’m really nothing
it’s just something I do…” The difference is, now at 54, that little voice doesn’t hold sway anymore, and I’ve learned how to ignore, tame, or ‘work with’ it, and to value my talent. But it’s an ongoing process.

    So there you go, I’ve just suggested yet another burden, and that is to start finding little ways to value the skills and talents that come to you naturally. Even if it’s just in tiny ways that you find affirming. Even if it’s baby steps, really try to figure out how to do it – it’s really more of a slight shift in your thinking than you might think. (Start doing it now, so you’re not one of regretful grown-ups looking back on their lives going ‘I used to x,y,z… I’d like to get back to that..” )

    To be clear, there is nothing I am writing just to be ‘kind’ to you. Your intelligence, insight and talent is clear to everyone who reads what you write, and it will be recognized. Trust me on this. So please- make sure it’s clear to yourself as well.

    The good news for us creative types is that we kind of get to be kids forever in certain ways.. so the (sometimes lost) magic of childhood finds its way back into our art.
    -Mitchell

    #118649
    Sammi
    Participant

    @anita: I know. Whenever I do seem a bit under the weather to her, though, she likes to throw money/candy at me. A few years ago, she actually paid me some amount of cash, and told me it was just for putting up with him. After that last breakdown, she gave me $100 USD. She just doesn’t know how to deal with things emotionally, so she likes to fill that void with gifts and perishable items. I’ve tried to deny her before, but she never does let me. I tell her it’s pointless giving a teenage girl money, because it’s going to be gone the next day.

    @Driftwood: Thank you for your reply. I appreciate that analogy, and it really gets the point across. I’m sorry that someone decided to ruin your architectural masterpiece.

    I feel like I’m giving the few last pats on the grave where my passion for writing now lies. I don’t know, I just don’t see it becoming much more than a decently enjoyable fallback, for now.

    And as far as the “I should do ___ again”, I understand. Art runs in the family, and it’s something my mother gave up many moons ago. I really enjoy drawing and painting (and photography, though it’s a bit out-of-reach right now), but I’m not very sure if any of them could become an income, as much as everyone I know insists. They’re something I wouldn’t mind doing full-time, but I struggle with finding inspiration and motivation. I think that might be a given, just with how the home life is currently going. Friends tell me that times of crisis could lead to better art, if I just put my feelings onto canvas. It’s easier said than done, though, I think. And when I do have some motivation, I’m stuck dealing with schoolwork until 2am, when all my motivation is gone.

    Also, thank you for your kind words! Though your intention may not be specifically to be “kind”, it’s still kind of you to go through all of the trouble to give me hearty advice.

    Oh, and I really hope you get that job, it sounds like something that could really help you appreciate your talents more. I’d be greatly honored to be able to have a job that solely revolved around my creativity.

    #118651
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Sammi:

    So she pays you- when she does- for putting up with abuse. I don’t think she has enough money though, to pay you. And I don’t believe there is enough money to make up for abuse-as-it-continues.
    anita

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