HomeβForumsβRelationshipsβIs this the right thing to do?
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August 7, 2015 at 5:44 am #81392ElParticipant
I’ve had extreme back and forths with my ex for about 10 months now. We love each other. We are young. We are confused. To be honest, he has really hurt me. He has done disrespectful things throughout the past 10 months. I finally ended things for good. He is now begging to talk to me even if I have nothing to say back. It has been about a month since I have last spoken to him. People are telling me not to talk to him.
However, I have come at peace with the decision I have made and the understanding I have with things. So I feel it would be the right thing to do to let him talk. Everyone says the only way hell open his eyes if you stick your ground and ignore him. I understand that. But maybe letting him get his closure and then asking him for space will be a better option?
I wear my heart on my sleeve. I want to do the right thing. I deserve so much better than this, but in the end, I do still care for him. Even after everything, I still want the best for him.
August 7, 2015 at 7:08 am #81399AParticipantDear El,
You sound like a very caring person who also respects yourself π I do not know the full details of your relationship with this guy but from how you written out your thoughts, you have very much realized he does not treat/respect you the way you deserve. That is great to recognize and then put into action by disassociating yourself from him. He sounds unstable and in a relationship, that is not something ideal. From experience of being the unstable one in a relationship, he needs to work on himself first. A lot of times when someone is unstable, they do not love themselves at a good level. These people do not like being alone so they look for a numbing comfort from others, especially in their significant other. The thing is, it never really… fixes anything internally. I think you are doing the right thing by at least dissociating yourself from him.
And El, when you wrote “maybe letting him get his closure and then asking for space will be a better option?” I think… if you have enough confident/strength that whatever he says is not going to sway your initial decision of dissociating yourself from him and it is not going to bother you, then I think you are in good shape. However, that option never really goes smoothly… You guys are close and you say you love each other so whatever he says is probably going to affect you so it’s better to leave that option alone. I think the overall right action is to let him heal himself by himself.
1. Surround yourself with good people who value you and treat you how you feel like you deserve.
2. Hurt people hurt people. As much as you want to help these unstable people, it comes to a point where it is only a process that hurt person can do and being around them will only suck the life out of you.
I hope this has helped and that your situation gets better! Best of luck El!August 7, 2015 at 7:43 am #81400ElParticipantDear A,
You have definitely made me feel a lot better. He has been contacting me every other day. Last night, he really took a turn and told me he wasn’t trying to waste my time, and he wasn’t trying to get back, he just wanted me to listen.
To me, I think maybe that could help him? At this point, I do believe I am strong enough to still disassociate myself with him if we do talk. I have quit talking to him a couple times before hand and he has always found his way back by me allowing that to happen. Well this time, the damage has pushed me far away enough to say “not this time”.
He has admitted to regretting leaving me. He has told me on numerous occasions that he wants a future and sees a future with me, but he can’t be in a relationship right now. I am understanding towards that, but that doesn’t give him the right to take advantage of me.
However, I feel as if I give him this opportunity to speak, and then get the space we both need, it may be beneficial towards him. I know it’ll be beneficial for me, but his feelings are involved in this too. Even though I’ve been told countless times that his feelings at this point should not be considered, he is a human being with a lot of problems. He doesn’t open up that much and I feel as if the opportunity arises for him to get some things off his chest, it would he a good start for him. You know? What do you think?
I’m a psychology major, so I’m sure you are now enlighted in how I’m thinking!!! Haha!! π
I love your advice and it is definitely something I am keeping with me πAugust 7, 2015 at 7:54 am #81402AnonymousGuestDear El:
What is it that you can learn or want to learn about him if you listen to him again? What is it that you want to know that you don’t know already?
anitaAugust 7, 2015 at 8:04 am #81403ElParticipantDear Anita,
I’m saying for him, not me.
August 7, 2015 at 8:25 am #81405AnonymousGuestDear El:
There is always something we want when we think we are doing something for the sole purpose of doing it for someone else. It may not be learning something new from him, it may be feeling something. There is something you are trying to gain for your own benefit (this is nothing personal in that it is human nature)- it is there whether you are aware of it or not and whether you are willing to examine it or not. I have no idea what it is- I just know it is there.
anitaAugust 7, 2015 at 8:49 am #81408ElParticipantDear anita,
I guess my gain would be to hear what he has to say instead of ignoring it. Because if I ignore it, I may regret it in the future. Especially if something happens to him.
August 7, 2015 at 10:28 am #81412AnonymousGuestDear El:
I re-read your posts on this thread. They are quite vague. Lots of important information is missing for me to have a better understanding. I am curious, for one, about your last sentence above “Wspecially if something happens to him.” What do you mean by that?
anita
August 7, 2015 at 1:54 pm #81425AParticipantHi El!
In case this applies to you since it seems like you care a lot about others, psychologists like to understand and help humans (or animals). However I started to notice in life, you can give troubled people all your patience, kind altruistic efforts, and psych/life advice BUT there comes a very frustrating/sad point where it is only up to that troubled person to take in how much he/she willingly wants to absorb and apply it to his/her life. And if you keep pushing when you get to that point, it is only going to make you more mad since your efforts are in vain unfortunately. It makes the other person get more angry, which leads them to get more blinded from the actual problem at hand. (I’m a psych major too! π but I’m switching out from it)Here’s an analogy.
El sees a man who has fallen. El reaches her hand out to this man to help him up but the man does not grab onto El’s hand. El keeps pushing her hand out, over and over and it begins to frustrate El that this man is not accepting/recognizing her help.Outcome 1. The man gets more angry at EL for continuing to push her hand out in front of him. They start bickering, El is saying “Just take my help.” while the man saying “I’ve already shown I don’t want it.”
Outcome 2. The man does not even realize there is a girl next to him helping him up. He’s stuck in his own world.
Outcome 3. The man gratefully takes El’s hand and gets up.I guess by putting yourself in both shoes of these people for each outcome of this simplified analogy, it might help your confusion/frustration. Outcome 1, once the two start bickering they forget the first initial problem at hand. The man is on the ground and needs up. Outcome 2, it leaves the girl frustrated because her helpful actions are not even being taken in by the fallen man. Like said previously, there comes a point where help needs to stop be given if it is not going to be taken and there comes a point where a hurt person needs help but they need to realize it themselves. It does not reflect bad on you if you give help to someone who can’t recognize or doesn’t take your help. It is not necessarily bad if you keep trying to offer your help but I hope you see sometime it is best to stop offering; you did your best. Outcome 3, an expectation most people have but if it is not met, it can be frustrating.
“He doesnβt open up that much and I feel as if the opportunity arises for him to get some things off his chest, it would he a good start for him. You know? What do you think?”
I want to branch off of what anita was saying and your responses, which obviously show you are very considerate, especially towards this guy. However, are you holding any expectations for what this guy might say to you? I think it’s great you want to give him that opportunity, the opportunity to get in touch with himself and grow from it, but it might be difficult for him to give you that 100% honest response you want, so in other words, you might not get that honest response/expectation (if that is what you wanted). People, especially girls I personally noticed, have this tendency to want a guy to get in tune with their thoughts and feelings. It might make him too vulnerable and ashamed, even though whatever he is feeling is human. He might not even consciously know what is internally bothering him so much.Also, see it as a learning experience for you because as a good person, you can really get exhausted by situations/people like this. It may seem odd because you might feel like you are “leaving someone behind” or “you could have approached it better” or “you could have tried harder” but that’s not the case. I started seeing a therapist because I got so hurt, confused, and frustrated by these unstable people I got close with. Basically all of this advice comes from personal experience that was then picked at again by a lady who has made it as a therapist for 10+ years. Besides everything I’ve written, one of the other major things I have learned from an experienced therapist is when you want to help these people, you have to learn when to jump out of their world. You can rub off on them but unfortunately they will rub off on you too. You generally want them in your world if you are helping them and so you are making the choice to go into their world for a bit to get them out. They need to make the decision to jump into your world like how you did for them.
Hope it helps! Good luck!
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