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Is this the right choice?

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  • December 5, 2015 at 8:03 pm #88991
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Anonymous:

    Why or how is it that you and your boyfriend did not live together in the city you are in? How is it that you did not consider so far getting married? Why did you not combine finances and a home- that would have helped you financially and you wouldn’t be so lonely there??

    anita

    December 5, 2015 at 9:28 pm #88995
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Anita,
    These are all good questions, that I feel sort of dumb not putting more thought into the possibility of us living together. We’ve discussed it in the past, but basically we didn’t live together because right now he lives at his parents house while he is taking care of them, while also saving his money. I’m living at a place that has very low rent which I need. If we moved in to a place together, we both would have to move in to a place together that we most likely wont be able to afford.
    We both have some debt to pay off.

    I’m only 25 and don’t see the point in getting married in general to be honest…at least anytime soon. I’m in no rush to be married.

    But thank you, this leaves more options. I will need to talk to him again, as I still have a lot of time before I make a big decision.

    December 6, 2015 at 9:16 am #89007
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Anonymous:

    You are welcome. Yes, good idea, I think, to examine your relationship with this man further. You wrote that you don’t consider marriage at this point. Look into what it is you are considering with this man. What is he considering. You wrote he is living with his parents and saving his money- for what purpose or goal? Figure out his thinking … more, his motivation and yours. Communicate more. Talk … more about what you two want. Not in a rushed way because this is not a mathematical dilemma to be resolved ASAP. This kind of communication involves discovering often hidden, dormant emotions and motivations, it takes time and gentleness in uncovering and exposing.

    Things I would wonder about: how does he feel about his parents… how did he feel about them before they became elderly? What was his relationship with them then? Why is he helping them now (any other siblings? Why him then helping them alone??) I would wonder is guilt motivating him? What does he feel about his own value in relation to them? Is he trying to prove he is a good person? … What motivates him, is most important to me: what are his values, what is most important to him?

    And to YOU, of course. Then see how these things match. Or not.

    anita

    December 6, 2015 at 1:48 pm #89048
    Anonymous
    Participant

    Anita,
    We talked and he agrees with me!
    He has been wanting to move in together for over a year, but didn’t want to rush me or freak me out, so he waited until I felt ready and wanting to.

    He has a very stressful environment at his parents house, and knows he can’t live there. I think he does feel a little guilty leaving them on their own….He is from a culture where it is more traditional to stay and take care of your parents, especially the younger sibling, even though they tell him they dont want that, but I think he feels guilty if he didnt.
    His sister just had a baby, so she has her own life now, even though she is not far, and comes by all the time.
    He grew up in a stressful environment, and I think he feels a lot of resentment towards his parents. Its just unhealthy for him to be there.

    It makes a lot of sense to move in together, and we both see that. We both have expressed that we can see us being together forever.

    He is saving his money because he has some debt, but not a lot, and to be able health related stuff, but we believe we can make it work.

    Of course there is no rush, even though I can’t really stand my roommates. But now that we’ve reached this point, I absolutely can hang in there a little longer. We both have been through a lot of ups and downs over the last year, and I think we just want to take some time to think this through and plan it out right.

    Thank you for your outside perspective, it helps a lot!

    December 6, 2015 at 4:40 pm #89063
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Anonymous:

    I am excited for you hoping that you and he can live together, love each other truly. I do hope so. There are difficulties, finances, his unfortunate guilt feelings regarding taking care of his parents, and other issues that will come up. What I am exciting about is the idea that you and him will make life better for each other, really love each other above all others. That you two will have a Win Win relationship. Please do post anytime.
    anita

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