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Is this ever going to end?

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  • December 24, 2014 at 11:10 am #69768
    mimicus
    Participant

    Hi again everyone. First of all, I’m really sorry that I don’t visit the forums often. I keep reading the blog to find the answers and there is this one this that I’m really trying hard to find an answer to.

    It feels stupid because there are so many things in my life that are more serious and need more attention. Here is my problem:

    About six years ago, I started doing very bad in academics and as someone who had very good potential, I didn’t feel good. A lot happened and cutting the long story short, I slipped into this “darkness” – I cut away from all my friends, started being more and more alone, felt negative all the time, etc.

    It took my almost a decade but I finally feel like I am out of that place. Or so I thought. I started doing good again, had a good career to look forward to, etc. and the “darkness” had started to subside and I started feeling lighter all over again. But I just found out today that I will have to complete six more months of studies at a not so good place. It has all started coming back to me.

    I fear that this feeling, this “darkness” (I’m not sure if it is depression) will keep revisiting me again and again throughout my life. What if there isn’t an end to this For instance, what if I fail to find a job and slip back? What if nothing works out for me?

    December 24, 2014 at 12:32 pm #69770
    Adam
    Participant

    Hello,
    I’d like to say that you should be proud of yourself for asking for help. It’s only at that point can you begin dealing with the issue in a real, applicable way. The perception you have, the fears you have about it, are all stemmed from past failures. You’re not your past. The past serves as a teacher. Experience that shapes and molds who we are. If you haven’t learned from that experience, you’re doomed to repeat it until you do. If you have learned from it, this is your chance to apply what you learned from that experience and better yourself. Fear will always be there. The trick isn’t to get rid of fear, the trick is to coexist with fear to such an extent that it has no effect on you. At that level, fear only exists as a kind of warning signal when something doesn’t feel right. Fear is necessary. It’s just that most of us misuse fear or let it take over us. It’s crippling.

    I know how easy it is to be pulled into that ‘darkness’ but it doesn’t need to consume you the way it did last time. There is also light inside you and if you know there’s a darkness, then of course there will be a light. Find your light and use it to motivate yourself. It’s essential to know what you want. Write down your goals, where you want to be, who you want to be, everything that matters to you. Then write down how you’re going to get there. Discipline yourself. Exercise. Fight negativity with acceptance.

    The first step must be to understand yourself, your desires, and your fears. Accept everything about yourself. Only then can you use your weaknesses as strengths. Then relentlessly pursue your goals with the belief that you’ll achieve them. Believe you can do it. Believe you can overcome. We have so much more strength than we give ourselves credit for.

    I hope this helps. Good luck!
    You have support all over and what you think will become your reality. Think wisely and carefully.
    Thepathofaronin.blogspot.com is me personal blog. Check it out if you need any advice.

    December 24, 2014 at 2:27 pm #69774
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Mimicus,

    Thanks for sharing with us. Forgive my blunt and straightforward advice but what would happen if you dropped dead tomorrow? Would you have enjoyed your time here on this earth or would you remember obsessing and stressing over your academics? In the face od death, Will you remember the wonderful times you had with your friend? The times where you’ve helped change someones life? Or will you remember the time you flunked biology? Life as you see it is an illusion, we live in one dimension where illusion is all around us. None of it is real, at lease in the end anyway. Not to sound cynical, this is as real as it gets. We are born, we live and then we die. Some of us die at 25, some of us die at 75, you never know. Your life is NOW, hopefully you have the guts to truly live it.

    December 25, 2014 at 9:31 pm #69827
    mimicus
    Participant

    Adam, thanks a lot. That was really helpful and I will have to go through your post, a few times, really slowly, to be able to absorb everything you have said. Thanks again.

    Lilly, it isn’t really about academics. One of the things that I have been really proud of (one of the things that helped me get out of the ‘darkness’) was the belief that I could do so much better than everyone else with less than half the amount of effort that they put in. On the personal front, I have and I am still doing very well, a lot better than my peers who do better than me in academics.

    What I seem to lack, I think, is the personal belief in myself. I talked about getting a job in my first post. I started freelancing in my first year of college and I started doing so well that I didn’t even need a job. One of the things that most excited me about completing my studies was that I could be actually free and on my own and wouldn’t have to follow the rules that the society sets for us (like getting a job right after college, pursuing higher studies, etc). I could finally start living my life as I have wanted to and I could look forward to doing the things that I like, like pursuing a hobby (I’ve had this travel bug that has started to nibble really bad now), maybe entrepreneurship (creating jobs instead of competing for one, etc).

    But I get carried away with what I’m told to do instead of what I want to do. If a friend tells me that they got hired, instead of being happy for them, I start getting anxious that I haven’t found one yet (even when I know that I haven’t tried).

    Finally, I see people trying really hard and working crappy jobs their entire life just to get through (I can sense their desperation) and I end up putting myself in their place (in my head) and go through all the scenarios that I could face if I were ever stuck in something like that. I start equating my “hard work” with “plain luck” and start fearing that all that I have today may be gone in an instant or that someone else could have also done what I did and could have been better at it, only if they knew about it. The reason that I posted after so long was because of this exact reason. There are people who have the exact qualification as I do, have scored as much as I have (if not more), have gotten their degrees from a better college and are possibly more talented than I am and they still end up with crappy lives, working their whole lives with no one to even complain about it. What if that person is me?

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