Nearly 5 years ago, my husband of 20 years blindsided me with the dreaded, “I’m filing for divorce.”  In the aftermath of that statement, I was completely devastated — even contemplating suicide (though this is difficult to admit — so painful).  When I met him, he had just begun his recovery from alcoholism (refuses to go through a 12 step program), and I grew up as a child of an alcoholic.

Now, here’s the rub — though I did all I could to get him to stop the divorce proceedings (even begging at times), he moved forward with it despite the fact that he kept having sex with me on a regular basis.  I accepted, and at times, even initiated the intimacy because I believed his actions meant that he must still love me.  Of course, his other actions (proceeding with the divorce) provided me an undeniable contradiction.  I am still confused today and we are still “together.”  We spend time together running errands, going to dinner, movies, etc. — and of course, we are still having sex; in my eyes, he is still irrestible.  We live apart (we have one adult son who lives with him) and he does see other women, but swears that they are “just friends.” I do believe him when he tells me that I am the only one he is with sexually.

I have been in therapy on a weekly basis since he left the marriage and I have grown exponentially.  However, I still struggle with . . . oh, I am not even sure what the exact struggle is — I feel so committed to him — still — but do not feel that commitment in return.  When I have spoken with him about this, he responds with, “It will work between us or it won’t.”  He wants to just live in the moment, and I do value that.  For me, “in the moment,” it’s wonderful when we are together, yet “in the moment,” it’s so difficult when we are apart — I don’t have the emotional security I would like from a relationship.  On the one hand, I think it’s possible that Spirit has given me this glorious gift — a second chance with my husband to repair the aspects of the marriage failure that belong to me (and believe me, I have discovered a few).  On the other hand, he has admitted that, though he admires the amount of personal growth work I have done, he does not want to “work that hard.”

Your thoughts, please . . . the tough parts of the relationship are really tough, yet even thinking about giving up the relationship’s positive aspects is deeply painful.