Is this abuse? Afraid of breaking up after feeling used

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This topic has 9 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 7 months ago by faber castell.

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September 4, 2014 at 10:02 am #64383

kristin
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I by no means am one of the “wise readers” here. I am new to the forums and am only at the beginning of my journey to peace and healing. However, I can relate to you having been a part of abusive relationships. My first relationship as a teenager was abusive. Being that young and going through abuse really changes your perspective on love and relationships, so I feel that I can offer some insight to you.

First, I would like to say that I am sending healing thoughts your way. I know how hard this situation must be for you. That being said, I recommend putting it into perspective. If this same story came from your sister, your best friend, your mom, or anyone else that you love deeply, what would you tell them? Also, if you have to question whether or not something is abusive, it probably is. Abuse is not strictly black and white. It can be physical, emotional, mental. If you are feeling abused, that means that your boundaries have been crossed which is certainly a big issue. This becomes an even bigger issue when the person you feel has inflicted abuse on you is handling it in the way in which he has.

Something else I highly recommend keeping in mind when it comes to your fear of seeing him with someone else is that not all relationships are meant to work out. Sometimes two people who can be perfectly functional and happy in one relationship find toxicity in a relationship with one another. From what you have said, I would definitely consider this to be a toxic relationship. While circumstances and people can change, toxic relationships are almost always bad news.

My advice to you, as someone who has been through an abusive relationship, is to get away and stay away from this person. Remove all contact with him – if you have no ties to him, you give yourself the necessary space to cope and heal. Additionally, this is going to prevent falling back into things and allowing him to hurt you more by being with someone else. You owe it to yourself to remove this person from your life. It will not be easy, especially since the emotions are so raw, but you deserve better. You deserve time to work on healing yourself and becoming a better person apart from the toxicity of this relationship. Best of luck to you.

September 4, 2014 at 1:45 pm #64393

Matt
Participant

Faber,

Toxic, toxic, toxic. He’s playing mind games with you, intentionally or unintentionally, and sounds like he has little to no control of his passion. His is some of the worst kind of abuse, where he sings to you gently, stamps all over your opening tenderness, then says “hey, you’re the one hurt, you opened, your bad.” Ditch the bastard, you’ll be glad you did.

Perhaps go even one step further, and reconsider every thing he has ever said to you as toxin, rather than a sweet man. I’ve encountered wild yogis, and they do terrible things to the people around them. That pat on the back he gave you clinched it for me, his ego is out of control. Its not you, dear sister, not your issue. Perhaps your issue is learning how to slam the door on a snake, keeping venomous beings away from your tender heart.

If it helps, know that he won’t experience the same pain you’re going through, he’ll go through something much darker, much more painful. But that’s his path, and don’t shackle yours to his, even if you hear his siren song outside your slammed door. Keep it closed, dear sister, don’t let him feed off you anymore. Maybe his teacher is strong enough to slap some sense into him, but you’re not. Do you have any friends (preferably male, or a fiery female) that can be present during the stuff exchange? Or can you just buy new stuff? My advice, don’t be alone with him ever again. He lost his rights, let the door slam.

With warmth,
Matt

September 4, 2014 at 2:45 pm #64396
Big blue
Participant
Hi faber,

I totally agree with you being upset and not seeing this person again.

As Matt said: Ditch the bastard, you’ll be glad you did.

Go easy on yourself and take time to get over this experience.

Then you will find someone who is worthy of you.

Big blue
- This reply was modified 10 years, 7 months ago by Big blue.
September 5, 2014 at 9:42 am #64426

Warrior of Light
Participant

Good morning.

I agree with Matt in that this relationship you’re in is absolutely toxic, and seems to be causing you WAAAY more harm than good. Also, he is totally manipulating you, intentionally or unintentionally, to fulfill whatever void he has in his heart. The push-pull thing he is doing will drive any person insane, and it seems the only way he is dealing with his issues is to project his insecurity on to you and (try) control you via manipulation and aggression. In short, he is a self-centered asshole, and he is causing more harm than you deserve, want, or need.

If you’re afraid of breaking up with him, I’d be curious as to why? Fear of loneliness? Fear of rejection? Fear of not being worthy or loved? I don’t know you, but I’d recommend exploring your fear either through self-reflection or with a professional counselor.

Also, take your power back! Don’t let some egotistical asshole, who lacks his own personal power, strip you of yours! Any relationship that’s vampiric like this one will always lead to destruction, and never fulfillment, happiness, or (authentic) love; so why invest your energy and time into a relationship that is unfulfilling, unloving, and destructive? So take your power back and break up with him. Tell him what you want and need in a relationship, and that you’re not going to deal with his bullshit (setting boundaries).

You deserve better because you are better. Don’t let someone else determine your self-worth.

Peace and blessing.

Weston

September 8, 2014 at 3:56 am #64535

Will
Participant

Ruuuuuun!

“he followed through” … “he wasn’t being very flexible” … “he insisted” … “take it or leave it”

I don’t know if I would call it abuse (maybe, could be, depends), but I would definitely call it “time to get this shithead out of your life for good”.

Ultimate yogi indeed… *eyeroll to end all eyerolls*

September 8, 2014 at 9:13 am #64575
faber castell
Participant
@amatt
Matt,
thank for your words, your metaphors and the way you put it just got to my heart and I think you really got it. My lesson here is learning how to slam the door on venomous beings, away from my heart. That day I was really doubtful about what to do, since he had his car here I didn’t know if I better waited for him to come so that I could say everything I wanted to, but your message helped me solve it, I was not gonna wait since he probably would do something nasty or would even think I was still considering getting together. Although I didn’t get into thoughts about his behavior, I sent him a text asking him that when he came by for his car he gave in my stuff (not to me but to a roommate) and pick up his. So I wanted you to know, and give you an update, I read your post and as I read it I hit send, it gave me the courage and reassurance I needed, and it was the best thing I could do because the next day he came and picked his car without saying a word (just a lot of noise from his car) and without giving me back my stuff or picking up his. (He can keep my books and enjoy them, I can buy new ones) I thank the universe and you for letting me have that moment of clarity, I don’t know how I would’ve felt if I hadn’t stated my position and he had just taken his car. Still there’s a part of me who would love to say everything I couldn’t say that day… I just don’t know if it’s worth it.

Thank you, really, I feel kindness and wisdom in you, it’s really nice that you as many others take a minute of your day to help someone, this time I think it was decisive.
🙂
- This reply was modified 10 years, 7 months ago by faber castell.
September 8, 2014 at 9:40 am #64578

faber castell
Participant

@westonzink3469
Weston,
Thank you so much for your words, you are absolutely right, it’s a relief to know that someone else sees this as manipulation as sometimes one gets so caught up in the middle of the situation that its easy to start doubting… as I told Matt the second I read his post just helped me send that text and that was it, but then your post came along and it had real insight as well so I felt much more reassured, he is selfish and egotistical!!!I never said anything else to him, I just asked him to take back his stuff and drop mine and as I say above, I don’t know if I should just leave it at that, I don’t know if that was enough to take my power back? and..do you think this guy is a narcissist?

Thank you thank you thank you all for taking the time to help a stranger, your kindness and firmness really helped me admit the vile nature in all of this.

@talkingwithtinybuddah I will go easy on myself, and I’m more and more glad everyday to know that I’m not having this ever again.

@kree thank you for your healing thoughts, I hope you also have healed already from the horror it is to be in an abusive relationship.
Peace and blessings.

September 8, 2014 at 10:27 am #64580
faber castell
Participant
@monklet haha yes, a huge eyeroll indeed, I wish that day I’d had the courage to just eyeroll him, but I just cried and cried in shock and left. Oh well.
What would make you call this abuse (or not)?
- This reply was modified 10 years, 7 months ago by faber castell.
September 8, 2014 at 10:39 am #64582
faber castell
Participant
@amatt Also, if you don’t mind sharing, where does your good insight come from? (english is not my first language so excuse me if the question sounds weird!) I mean, I’m curious because you do seem to be a very kind person while still having a very keen eye for unacceptable situations and behaviors, your help to others feels very balanced 🙂 do you have any suggestions on material to read or watch about this subject of mine or something that has served you in your path to become who you are? It’s really nice to read someone who can establish boundaries and still be kind. Thank you.
- This reply was modified 10 years, 7 months ago by faber castell.
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