Hi Dreaming715,

I have read many studies of where they have done research on people who lived together before marriage, and people who got married before living together. The divorce rate was twice as high, or engagements broken off with the people who lived together before marriage, versus the people who waited until they got married before living together.

The times, I lived with my first love and fiance before marriage, it did not work out. It started off well, but then things got weird, and we started fighting over petty things. It then started to feel like we were roommates, rather than a loving couple. I would come home from work, he would never come up to me and miss or hug me, just was on his computer doing work. I barely even got a “hi”.We also started to go to bed at different times, when before we would snuggle and be romantic and make baths for each other. It seemed moving in together paralyzed things and we lost the spark and romance and only saw the negative and constantly fought.

This is why I don’t believe in living together before marriage. Wait till you have that wedding band on your finger.

Dear dreaming715,

I have a friend that has been in your situation with a man that was behaving exactly the way your boyfriend behaves before she decided to move in with him. As you already know, each persons experience is different, and each situation is different … so please remember this while you will be reading my message.

Before you move in with any man ask yourself these questions: do i want to have children in this life? Do i want to get married with this man? And would i want to have children with this man?

If you want to have kids … you have to find out if he is ready in case it happens when not planned, as you’re already 28 of age and as sad as this may sound … your clock is ticking …

And if you want to have children with this man you have to ask yourself if you would be ok if he treats your children the way he treats you.

… because he will give the same “emotional closeness” to your kids too. If he is a person happy to live alone he might withdraw from being present all the time and withdraw emotionally from your kids.

I tell you, because i have seen the pain … his sleeping patters will change in the beginning, if he won’t be able to get good sleep, he will want you to sleep separately anyway. Relationships change in time, and we start caring more about our own comfort later than in the beginning.

If you want to get married with him, i think you should wait for him to propose first, then move in together.

A ring, a proposal means i want you and i want to make things work so we can be together forever, things can get difficult at times and you need to know both of you are in it for the long run. Marriage reminds you of that when you want to give up.

If you move in before the ring, you give him the benefits of a marital life without the commitment plus you are restricting your freedom of choice. Once you live together, if he doesn’t propose in time and you start getting tired of waiting for the ring … you will start getting angry, it will be difficult to make a change and it will be impossible to date again unless you move out. Because we can’t date another guy once we are living with one already. It is not the right way of doing things.

So, you have to be sure you can have a life with him the way he IS, without expecting him to change for the better in time …

IF you are waiting for him to change, please, do it while you still live separately and see where things go.

If he wants to put a ring on it, don’t give it to him easily, wait for him to do it before moving in, you can even tell him you won’t be moving in with any man that doesn’t propose first.

My friend, she is 40 now, that relationship didn’t work out for her, she waited for him to change, had difficulties moving out and waited 5 years for the ring(from 28 to 33) …  as i said, don’t give him the benefits of a marital life before making a commitment.

Please be aware of the red flags, your concerns are real. What you described is his core, it is very hard to change that.

And it doesn’t have to change and things can go perfect as long as you are happy with his way of being and don’t mind it.

In life we get … what we accept.

I am happily happily married and moved in with my husband after the proposal. Previously, i had 2 failed relationships, both situations i have moved in before the ring(thinking the proposal will happen eventually). How you start your life “together” matters a lot. Do it the right way.

Hello… I would not move in with him at this point. The fact that you are questioning it is a red flag. I don’t see that as the next step of the relationship. Spending more nights together at his or your place is the next step, in my opinion. Take at least two years, maybe more, before moving in together. Remember, YOU are taking a big risk by moving into his apartment. If it does not work out, you will be heartbroken and homeless. What’s the rush? Take your time…