Home→Forums→Relationships→Is this a "hot and cold" relationship?
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Anonymous.
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September 13, 2016 at 5:56 pm #115076
Anonymous
GuestDear dreaming715:
I read your post with previous threads- through time- in mind. I figure the following at this point: I think you may be too alert to the possibility of rejection, looking for it here and there, on the watch. Using the title of your thread: if there is a cool breeze in the relationship, like his need for guy time after spending a lot of time with you, you would think of the cool breeze as “cold” while in reality it is just cool.
I was taught hat a long time ago by my then therapist: a person is not and cannot be close to another ALL the time. My therapist said people are like planets, in constant motion toward and away from other planets.
So he spent a lot of time with you and then wanted guy time, without you. So you reason: well, I wouldn’t need time alone if I was him, so it must mean that he is less interested in me than I am in him. I don’t think this is good reasoning because you may not want distance from him because of a separation anxiety issue. He may not have a separation anxiety issue and simply need time alone.
Really, loving men who love their women need time alone, guy time.
And you too, if you were secure in the relationship, not anxious, you too, very likely would need time alone. It is only natural.
Anther thing: he may feel your anxiety: your ongoing fear of him rejecting you, going cold and colder and that may distress him. It is very important that you share with him your fear, taking responsibility for it. If he is a good man, he will feel empathy for you: he will feel closer to you if you share with him your vulnerabilities.
So share with him. Let him know. It is important for your goal of having a close relationship. If you don’t share with him, he may misunderstand you- which will cause distance (the thing you don’t want).
Make yourself known to him. Share with him. I am excited at the thought of how much closeness your sharing is likely to invite into the relationship!
anita
September 23, 2016 at 8:15 pm #116100dreaming715
ParticipantExcellent advice, Anita. I especially like the part I bolded. “Anther thing: he may feel your anxiety: your ongoing fear of him rejecting you, going cold and colder and that may distress him. It is very important that you share with him your fear, taking responsibility for it. If he is a good man, he will feel empathy for you: he will feel closer to you if you share with him your vulnerabilities.“
September 23, 2016 at 8:27 pm #116101Anonymous
GuestDear dreaming715:
Thank you. Will you be sharing with him then your fears and hopes and dreams, sadness and frustrations as he shares with you his own feelings, and so the two of you get closer, intimate, getting to know each other that way…? I do hope so.
anita
September 25, 2016 at 2:41 pm #116227dreaming715
ParticipantAnita, I will admit I’ve been trying, although it’s been difficult. He’s very reserved and admitted he’s uncomfortable about talking about things that are “very deep.” He said it makes him feel emotionally exhausted to have long discussions about these types of things. For example, last night I casually asked if he had been in love before. He quickly said, “yes.” He did not offer any more information. I thought I would probe a little deeper with one more question and asked, “You said you were in a two-year-long relationship. Was that the relationship where you were in love?” Again, he just answered “yes.” He did not engage in further discussion. He did not ask me if I’ve ever been in love. He honestly seemed uncomfortable so I dropped it and we started talking about a much different, lighter topic.
September 26, 2016 at 7:38 am #116304Anonymous
GuestDear dreaming715:
When I wrote in my last post to you: “Will you be sharing with him then your fears and hopes and dreams, sadness and frustrations..” I didn’t mean to ask him about his past love relationships, I meant you sharing about yourself. So instead of asking “if HE had been in love before” and instead of asking: “YOU said you were in a two-year-long relationship. Was that the relationship where YOU were in love?” sharing about you would be something like: “I (the pronoun is I, not You) sometimes get scared that you don’t really like me, like when I wore my fall outfit yesterday and you said I overdressed. I was so happy to wear my Fall outfit for the first time this season, was hoping you would like it…”
anita
September 28, 2016 at 12:44 am #116543Anonymous
InactiveDear all,
I hope that you will not misread my post here or my intentions as I would like to give a different point of view here. One of the benefits of sharing stories in forums is to get different perspectives, which may be as many as the participants that post.
Anita gave you a perfectly viable feedback that you need to consider your own separation anxiety. I don’t know your age dream715 but 3 months is still early stages of a relationship. Guys are truly simple. If they like you they will just spend time with you, when they need intimate company. They don’t need the company of the woman all the time, they just know that she is out there, content that they have found her, not having to “hunt” for the time being, release the effort of finding a woman, consider the topic resolved and have some guy time, doing their things. He is not “reserved” for not sharing this with you, guys don’t feel closer to us by sharing stories like we do. Also he is making one step further to say he was sorry to have to spend a night without you.
But this is where you should not take further advantage of his good will. In fact, the situation where you spent 3 nights in a row and the fourth he declared he would drop you off at home and go elsewhere would be a red light for me. Not because this is a hot-and-cold relationship. Let me explain.
Is there ever a time when you planned things together and you were the one to have other plans instead? Do you always spend time on his terms, giving up everything else for him and making him your priority? For 3 nights in a row, while he has decided to spend them with you and not do something else, did you consider having other things to do too? Please be calm, things are still ok, he is honest with you and even giving you the privilege of knowing what his plans are. Many guys wouldn’t even do you the favor of making you aware of their plans.
“If he is a good man, he will feel empathy for you: he will feel closer to you if you share with him your vulnerabilities.” There’s sharing and there’s sharing. While sharing memories, passions, stories, events, moments does bring people closer, this phrase reads to me the danger of turning him into your counselor. This would either bring you two to codependency or push him away. Trust me he already knows about your vulnerability.
As you are still getting to know him and while you want to know if he is trustworthy, which is completely understandable as the world is full of all sorts of people, he is also getting to know you too and a guy would like to know if he would have the freedom to have his own time from time to time without hurting you. Because even if you don’t say anything about it, if he knows you are not happy while he is away, this would distress him.
Usually when a guy knows that you have anxiety in the relationship they just give you their time, hoping that when you see consistency as time goes by you will feel more secured. And as everything is going relatively smoothly now communicating to him that you feel insecure when you are not together every day or when he doesn’t text all the time would disappoint him and make him feel like his efforts are in vain. I know it is strange but it is how a guy’s brain works.
But as you I would also question myself, why spend 3 nights in a row, and then not invite you to a friends gathering?
He has already introduced you to other friends and even to his family, and you have been invited to make yourself comfortable in his house. So there is no place for doubt that his intentions are good.I don’t want to cause you more anxiety, but please think, is it possible that you are not that social since you are with him, or not having enough of your own life, and he is starting to be less excited about you and taking you for granted? If you are getting closer together and spend 3 nights in a row, why not go together to a gathering where both you and him can have some variety with other people?
Sharing with him what he already knows does not move you ahead on this matter, but please don’t get mad on him either. If I were you I would question, why not have social life together, common friends? Maybe instead of telling him what he obviously already knows, I would look for gentle ways to communicate to him, that while it’s nice to spend time with him only, you would feel happy to go on gatherings with other people too.
Do you go out with your own friends? Why not invite him? Why not introduce him to your own family, if this is possible? Guys feel more respectful of you when they see there are social circles or hobbies where you have your own habitat. I would also think of ways to be more self sufficient, being able to have good time and be independent of his calling when to be together.
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