I had a brief conversation with my mom and brother at dinner the other day. She was telling us stories of when we were young and then my preschool was brought up. So my mom was telling us a bunch of stuff about me at preschool. One of the things she said really stuck with me and I have been thinking about it since. She told me that all the teachers thought something was wrong with me. They made my parents have me taken to see a therapist to find out what was wrong.. but my mom said that each time they found nothing wrong with me and that I was simply a quiet kid.

My mom then told this one story about how it was my birthday in preschool and I stood up on a chair, then suddenly my teacher yelled at me (in not a nice way my mom recalls) for it and I threw a fit. I don’t think it was just because I was a brat though… I have always been super sensitive to that kind of stuff. Even to this day, I have some sort of fear of people telling me I am doing something wrong. Even if it is a teacher or authority… but also my friends. I also seem to have a fear of people judging me in general.

Then I began thinking about how I remember throwing a fit at almost every single birthday party I had until I got older. The reason I threw a fit was because I felt such anxiety. I don’t know. I am trying to figure out why and these stories are making me feel like something was wrong with me. My mom says that it wasn’t a big deal and that the teachers at my preschool were just bad people. But why did I have so much anxiety at every one of my birthday parties? Why did I hate having the attention on me?

I also remember absolutely DESPISING any sort of compliment given to me as a child. I remember preforming in a dance recital when I was 5, and after I was done my dad came up to tell me how good of a job I did, and I remember getting really angry and uncomfortable. Why?

These things never mattered to me until now. As I get older… I am asking myself why I always did these weird things? Why did I act so different from others? Not only did I feel like something was wrong with me… but now I find out teachers thought something was wrong too? Not to mention… I used to fail at anything school related until the age of 11. I was almost held back… that’s when my parents brought me to see a weekly therapist. My teachers in elementary school thought something was wrong as well. But honestly it may have just been because I didn’t care to study and I was lazy. Now I do very well in school. But I can’t help wondering why I had teachers thinking something was wrong?

I still am very quiet and have a hard time being social. Sometimes I think I have social anxiety but I don’t know. I used to have tons of friends after I came out of my shell around the age of 15 but after I got a boyfriend most of my attention was set on him so I lost a lot of friends. But I definitely am awkward and shy. Again… why?

I see other kids in my grade… kids who are just as smart as me, just as nice as me, just as passionate as me…. the only difference is they have tons of friends and are super outgoing while I only have a few and have trouble making friends at all.

If anyone reading these things could maybe try to figure out why I am the way I am. I never blossomed in preschool or elementary school. It took me forever to learn the alphabet. Everyone thought something was wrong with me… my self esteem was so low growing up. I still am super shy and have a hard time making friends. Do I have anxiety of some sort?

• This topic was modified 6 years, 10 months ago by Katie.