Dear hohs

That’s a very mature resolve on your part. Please do go through the link sometime. I found it immensely helpful in understanding trust. It is one area I have struggled with thanks to negative thinking, which has often led me to panic internally, jump to worst conclusion and make a complete mess of the situation.

Regards
Nina

Dear hohs:

Do confirm the dinner plan, text something like: looking forward to the dinner we planned; is (time) and (place) still good with you?”

If the dinner happens, bring up the reassurance, which is what irritated her so much, I understand. Tell her you understand it did and that anyone in her place would. Tell her you understand how frustrating it must have been for her to reassure you again and again without success, what a burden it must have been, and no wonder she doesn’t want to experience that again. Then wait, see if she agrees, if she expresses relief that you understand, after all.

Then let her know that you intend to no longer burden her that way, that you will take responsibility for your insecurity, that you will either attend psychotherapy for it, participate in a self help group… work on it this way or that way (having a plan to heal or manage the insecurity in place of asking for reassurance).

Do not ask her for her position during dinner, this will be same as asking for reassurance- put no pressure on her to tell you that the relationship is back. No pressure at all. The rest of dinner relax best you can, listen to her, share little things, keep it light. Suggest another date, or not, but if you suggest another date, suggest it not in a question format, but saying something like: “I really enjoyed this evening. I hope we can do this again!” Then don’t look to her for an answer (you didn’t ask a question!) or any kind of.. reassurance.

anita

Dear Hohs:

You can share with her that you are so used to asking for reassurance, it has become a habit and so, as hard as you pay attention, sometimes, when you don’t pay attention (and no one can pay attention 100% of the time)- you probably will ask. Then you expect to catch yourself and take it back, but if you don’t- tell her she can tell you: you did it again! (kindly, because it is a habit and kindness is required to break a habit).

This way you make it possible for her to really be helpful to you, and she probably wants to be helpful. This way though, it is possible for her to be helpful because you are leading the way in breaking your own habit.

If the dinner doesn’t take place, this is an important lesson for a future relationship, something you will have to work on regardless. But I do hope for another chance with this woman. Post anytime; an update will be welcome.

anita