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is there hope?

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  • #125231
    hhs
    Participant

    I got to know this girl last October. we started dating around November everything was fine. we had so many happy moments. we realized that we had similar understanding and personality between each other. we clicked a lot. everything was very almost perfect. I felt a little insecure and overthinking sometimes and I ask her if she would accept me in starting a relationship. i told her that i do feel insecure at times as i had a bad relationship in the past, which somehow i had fear in the history repeating itself. she told me not to worried, she was ok with this question at first and told me that she needs time to decide as we need more time to understand each other. but as time goes by, I asked more frequently and she got annoyed and pressured by me. then she requested for “me” time for us to claim ourselves down. I told her I did my reflection after a “me” time which she requested for. i got to know things which actually cleared my doubts on her, like the things she did for me and planning to surprise me. i felt really bad after knowing it as i always doubt her if she is serious in me. I told her that i know what and where i did was wrong, hoping that she will forgive me and we can start fresh again. But after that “me” time she gave, her way of talking to me totally changed. Currently, she is distancing away from me. she also told me that she might not have the same feelings for me as before. she doesn’t really reply to my text, maybe once or twice per day. what can i do and will she give me another chance?

    #125236
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear hohs:

    If it is you repeatedly doubting her feelings about you that made her lose the feelings she did have for you- then I would think, if you became stronger within yourself, that strength may revive her feelings. To become stronger, examine the doubting more closely and see where it goes from there.

    You mentioned a previous relationship as the source of your doubting- would you like to share about that relationship here?

    anita

    #125260
    hhs
    Participant

    Hi anita,

    Thanks for replying. In the previous relationship, i was with my ex for about 2 years. i was told by my ex that she will end the relationship soon but at that moment when i was told. so i was left hanging and at the same time, i make up for things hoping that it will prevent the relationship to end. but as time goes by for around 3-4 months she told me that she will end the relationship on my birthday, which was just in a few weeks time. i was very upset and i asked her not to. however, the relationship ended one week later after birthday.

    but currently, the current girl seem like ignoring me. i did text her for forgiveness. but i guess it might be to late.

    #125262
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear hohs:

    Asking her for forgiveness implies you did something wrong, unethical or abusive, but you did none of these. No need to ask for forgiveness.

    Reads to me like you placed the women (ex-ex girlfriend and ex girlfriend) on a pedestal, as if you didn’t deserve them, as if you were worthless and dependent on their goodwill to be in a relationship with you. This is ineffective. The women believed you, I guess, and figured that they were too good for you.

    In your future communications with people, women, men and children… please, do not present yourself as Less Than the other person. Because you are not less than, and because when you do, most often you will be treated accordingly.

    Practiced every day, every opportunity you get, to present yourself to others with respect toward yourself. Even when you express an insecurity, do it in a way that is respectful to yourself.

    How to word an insecurity in a self respectful way? If you give me an example of what you said repeatedly to the last girlfriend, I can help you re-word it. We can do it now or anytime you come back to this thread.

    anita

    #125266
    hhs
    Participant

    Hi anita,

    Thanks for your advice. but i guess it might be too late for the current situation. the current girl that i’m dating was away for a month and will be back next week from her studies. things turn out bad around 2 weeks ago. i was just sharing with her that, if i have to wait for a longer period for you to decide if we can start the relationship, many unwanted things might happen and we might not be together if we can’t handle it. and i’m afraid to lose her. she knows that i do feel insecure and i told her that it would be great if she can assure me not to overthink at times when i share my feelings to her. at first, she was ok, she comfort me even when she is busy with her school but i repeatedly share with her on this topic now and then, then she got annoyed. and resulting in the current situation.

    #125270
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear hohs:

    It may not be too late-

    First understand that when you are scared that the woman will leave you, she can tell you a thousand times that she won’t leave you and you will still be afraid, still need her to tell you one more time, and then again and again. It is crazy making for the person having to say it again and again… and fail because not a single time creates a calm in you that lasts.

    When you need a woman to assure you and reassure you, think of it as an itch that you need not scratch. Resist it, do not ask.

    If you can resist the temptation to ask for reassurance, then when you see this woman again, you can tell her that you made a mistake asking for reassurance and you understand how frustrating it was for her, that it would be frustrating and annoying for anyone in her place. Tell her you decided to endure, tolerate your anxiety (fear of abandonment) without asking for reassurance, that is, without burdening her with it.

    Maybe she will give the relationship another chance. If you do approach her with the above message, be as calm as you can be. And this is the correct attitude on your part- as anxious as you are, don’t burden her (a girlfriend/partner) with your anxiety. Attend competent psychotherapy for healing from that anxiety, manage it via exercise, meditation, soft music, etc.. outside the relationship. Share about your anxiety with her, but take responsibility for it- it is your job to heal from it, not her job to heal you (impossible for her to do, as she found out).

    anita

    #125272
    hhs
    Participant

    Hi anita,

    Thanks for your advice. For now I just hope that she will text me again and giving the relationship another chance. It’s been a day since her last text. Will approach her with the message you gave. I agree that only i can heal myself and no matter how many times she assure me, it’s still depends on myself to feel less insecure. I just need this chance.

    #125273
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear hohs:

    If you do get a chance with her, you will feel insecure again, scared. Be prepared to feel that way again, but make it so that not ALL of you is that scared person, keep part of you calm enough, able to choose the behavior that will work FOR you and not against you!

    As scared/ anxious as you will be, go to a Calm Place in your brain and act from that place (you can visualize that place, and spend time there already, tonight, every day; be it at the beach by the ocean, or in the woods, someplace that calms you)

    anita

    #125274
    hhs
    Participant

    Hi anita,

    Thanks for your advice. But isit ok to text her maybe 1 or 2 days from today to ask about our current situation or plans? And what can I write in the text?

    #125275
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear hohs:

    You are welcome. Better not ask her something like: what is our current situation? She should not be the one to determine the situation, it should be you and her determining the relationship situation.

    When you leave it up to her, you again, present yourself as passive, weak, dependent on her. Not a good idea. If you text her, text an offer to get together, something like: would like to have coffee with you at ____ (a coffee shop). Or the like. Initiate, take charge.

    anita

    #125277
    hhs
    Participant

    Thanks anita,

    We actually planned for a dinner next Thursday when she’s back. But I’m not sure if it will happen. Will ask her again once she’s back. If it’s does, how do I continue from there as in, knowing how the relationship is going to be. If it doesn’t, then I Guess that will be her answer.

    #125282
    XenopusTex
    Participant

    A person will tell you what they think you want to hear. Not meaning to sound harsh, but if you keep insisting that she tell you she isn’t going to leave, it will eventually turn into telling you whatever she thinks will get you to stop asking. And, at some point, she’ll get tired of it and say to hell with it.

    Anita, hmmm… maybe that’s where I’ve gone wrong when I’ve left dinner location up to potential dates. Why would it come across as “dependent” on somebody to ask them about where to eat? I’m a bit confused by your recommendation to Hohs. Not everybody likes everybody else’s choice in foods or coffees for that matter. If I’m drinking straight coffee, I like it darker and thicker than Guinness Stout; just on the hairy edge of bitter; a black hole in a mug. If I’m getting an espresso drink, again prefer a place that serves up drinks that would give non-caffeine-fiends an instant heart attack. Other people might not like that style, and why not give them an option to pick where to go?

    Simple truth: you existed before you met her. You existed before you even knew she existed. You will exist even if she tells you to sit in a corner and pound sand. The more desperate you are for something, the harder it can be to obtain it. Imagine how you would feel if say your boss kept asking you every 5-10 minutes “are you going to finish the project?” After enough of that, you’d probably be inclined to tell your boss to take the project and shove it into a bodily orifice not normally illuminated by light. Now, imagine that instead of your boss, it’s somebody who supposedly wants to spend the rest of life with you.

    As a prosecutor, I can say that one of the big early red flags in a relationship is obsession about what the other person is doing, when they will be back, demanding constant confirmation, etc.. It comes across as very controlling, and that’s a really big red flag. Things tend to spiral out-of-control from there. There is, for example, a difference between asking for your SO to let you know when he/she gets in after a lengthy trip in bad weather and constantly asking if your SO is going to be returning. One is concern, the other is an attempt to control based on fear. Having seen what happens when attempts at verbal control are deemed insufficient, I cannot blame the woman for pulling back from such a display of fear.

    “Hope:” – Hope is the first step on the road to disappointment (Imperial Librarians, Warhammer 40,000 – Dawn of War). Why put yourself in a situation where all you have to rely upon is “hope?”

    #125284
    Nina Sakura
    Participant

    Dear hohs,

    You need to calm down and be a bit patient. Especially so given your past insecurities. Have dinner with her, see where it goes which means no need to bring up the previous stuff unless she does – simply go and have a good time with her. You are thinking way too much about a future and it’s not even been 6 months. Along with that, you are already worried past will repeat itself. Why don’t you simply take the present in, see where things go naturally instead of trying to poke, pester and push them?

    I suggest you check out this link –

    http://sixseeds.patheos.com/davewillis/the-5-stages-of-trust-in-every-relationship/

    If it’s really meant to be, it will work out. If not, she wasn’t the one. It jst that you can’t always have 100% assurance and control over people, situations. Being patient and calm is important. See where it goes. Give her some time. Who knows maybe she has her own reasons?

    Regards
    Nina

    #125285
    hhs
    Participant

    Hi xenopus tex,

    Thanks for replying. I realized my mistakes and i’m ready to start fresh with her. and honestly i regret it. for my concern now is, how can i win her back? and what can i do? because this happens when we are so far apart for a month and she will only be back next week.

    #125286
    hhs
    Participant

    Hi Nina,

    Thanks for replying, As for now, i just have to wait for her to back and send her a text before her flight. will ask her out for dinner which we had planned last week. i will see how things goes and i will try not to bring up about the past unless she mentions about it. what happen, happened. if she would give me another chance then i will apply what i had learned and not repeating my mistake this time round.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 27 total)

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