I would love it very much to discuss all you have pointed out… I was going to write an elaborate note again…but I had my exam today… An entrance exam… I did well… So I will take up the task I postponed yesterday…

You are right about all the points… I have always felt that it would take me time to stand on my own feet but I will…for sure and do very well for myself… But love…as you said…is a feeling everyone wants… Specially the kind of love where each of you make each other better people by motivating to be better… I cannot believe how changed a feel from the person who wrote the last thread and the person writing this one…. Not saying that I have become really mature or something but I just am able to see things more clearly…

You wouldn’t believe but I don’t believe in fate in my life generally but you can’t really predict the other person…your partner ..so love was one sphere I really believed in fate…now I have realised it’s not fate….any relationship has the potential to be the best, it’s only our situations and how much efforts we are willing to put in understand and support each other. This fate thing also came up from fear…

You are so right about fear and things it makes us do… I think I have left the best things in life because of my fear… Fear of failure, of displeasing family, of being ridiculed…. Yet again… I would have given up on my current feelings as well… Because of the situation at my home…. My sister disapproves… My parents don’t disapprove but they don’t support as well…since I am without a job still… It’s not a very positive feeling to be around such negativity….. But I decided that I have lived in fear for far too long…. I am actually studying for entrance tests…. It’s a biggie for me… specially because I have been so afraid of exams that I fall ill a day or two before…every time… I have been avoiding them for some years now…

But now strangely I feel like i am already at rock bottom….i have nothing to lose… If i become Something maybe I will be appreciated, maybe have a great life and will be looked at as an adult finally but..then again… I feel like doing all this for me now… So that I don’t see myself as a coward anymore…at least if I fail, I will understand that I worked hard and then I failed….I didn’t fail without making any efforts…

Sorry for digressing…

The qualities I pointed out…yes more than anything… That is more than being successful and earning a lot….I have always wanted a humble and humane partner…. And since I am out of the bubble now… I think I saw him(my ex) as more caring and loving than he actually was… Somewhere deep inside I knew he wasn’t quite honest with me but I did not want to end the relationship… Because of the fear of being alone… I see that now that I was so unhappy myself that I used to look for happiness in his actions and words.

The best gift the break up gave me was that I feel like being in my company without overthinking…. I finally feel like a 25 year old than a child crying for love… Yes I do want love, that I can’t give up on….. But I want me first, so that once I am firm on my own, I can support others too.

Since I am talking about fear… I will tell you something I didn’t say till now…when my ex approached me about 5 months after breaking up…. He wanted to get back together, he told me the reason why he broke up and listening to that I realised that I don’t ever want to be in that relationship again….it’s not about him as a person…it was about the relationship… Remember I told you he wanted me to come to his city where he wanted us to live together… So he said he broke up knowing my fears … He thought I would be afraid and come immediately to meet him… discuss what was going wrong and then he would patch up and live with me… It was then that I realised how weak I had been…dependent emotionally… And although there comes a point in your relationship where you can emotionally depend on your partner…but it should be only when it’s both ways… I didn’t see the break up coming because as you pointed out… I hadn’t spent enough time with him, seen his various faces before realising that I wanted him in my life…. I understand that now…

With the current guy…more than anything else… I liked how he thought about others before him…. Because I always do the same… People laugh at me calling me stupid because I do so…but it doesn’t bother me… I like seeing other happy… I am a happiness and high energy, high vibe vampire…hahaha… I become happy being around energetic crowd…

I am saying too much…. I really like talking to you Anita… And I will keep exchanging these texts… You can take your time…. I understand you must be busy… Text me whenever you find time…and I will reply back… Not instantly if I am away from my computer but I will. 😀

Yes Anita…. I will write and I hope someone going through a bad time reads this and it helps them….

Sometimes in loving people, we put them before us. I have done that a lot in my life and it never worked in a positive direction for me. Because as human beings we create a dependency on another person … Not that it’s a problem but sometimes we forget to give back and only take. This happened to me a lot… Before this forum…. I used to write self letters….which only had my problems written…and ill formed suggestions with only person’s perspective on it… My own… I used to delete them too… From my personal laptop because I was afraid if someone ever read them they would know I am weak. I wanted to be this person everyone thinks is super strong, can handle anything and solve anyone’s problems…. People have always come to me for suggestions and I felt good because of it….till I realised that sadness as well as happiness is contagious….and one should only handle the amount that doesn’t affect them….

I was afraid of others knowing I am weak because I was afraid that when others get to know… I will finally come out of my self fed imagination that I am this strong person who will break if I have this self realisation that I am not that strong.