Dear IpkR09:

Your sister was born, later you were born (how much older is your sister?).  Your father’s father didn’t like you being a girl so he wanted his son to give you up for  adoption. Your  mother didn’t want to do that,  so she asked her parents to take care  of you.  They did. Eventually you were brought back  to your parents home. Two daughters there,  your sister and  you. You tried to convince your parents (and maybe grandparents and everyone else) that you were worthy to be in their home.

You did better than your sister academically, and she was compared unfavorably to you,  that made her feel competitive  with you, jealous, maybe she was feeling that you were a sort of an outsider that came into the home  to outdo her, to take away from her. So she is still angry, trying to prevent you from having a relationship with a man, because she doesn’t have one. Angry, she cuts contact with you every so often.

Did I understand correctly?

After she cuts contact with you, is it you who is chasing her, trying to get her to talk to you again?

anita

Dear IpkR09:

I want to come back to your thread when I am back to the computer. If you would  like to add here more about what you “dared not say it aloud”, please do.

It is difficult though to write about what we are deeply conflicted about, isn’t it?

I hope to read from you when I am back. Take good care of yourself, have courage but be gentle with yourself. It is difficult to face matters that… mean so much, almost too much, if you know what I mean, do you?

I will be back in about sixteen hours from now. Take good care of yourself!

anita

Dear IpkR09:

First I want to quote from your previous thread and some from your current because it is  an opportunity for me and  for  you to learn (more) about yourself. I will comment following the quotes:

1. Feelings and Fate: “I never felt so strongly as I did when I met my ex four years ago… I felt this was meant to  be because we were both in love with each other at the same time and it felt like fate”, current thread: “It took me 5 months to realize that the  old relationship was pretty much dead to the point that my  ex came back and asked to get back together, I declined”-

– a relationship can feel like fate, feel very strongly, but not be fate and be  gone. Personally, I don’t believe in fate, but even for a person who does believe in fate, a feeling does not indicate fate.

2. Promises, Fear and Overthinking: “When I met him (ex bf), I was cautious not to fall very deep in love… He confronted me  and  told me that he will not leave. After that at… numerous occasions .. he told me  that  again and again, even when I was not afraid anymore… I was a smart girl, but when it  comes to him I have been really dense!!!… I have decided not to date or love again till I am sure I love myself enough to not  be afraid of being alone… why I am thinking  so much!!!! I don’t want to care about him the same way he doesn’t care about  me  anymore but I don’t know how to gauge my thought process. Being  busy does not  help… my brain goes on in a loop”

– a man can tell you that he  will not leave you, numerous times, and mean it, and yet end a relationship somehow.

There are no guarantees, but you can maximize the chances of  a man not  leaving  you if you get to know him thoroughly over time, in person, in different  contexts, and then figure that you want to be with him lifetime, for one, and then that he is increasingly and heavily invested in the relationship, is honest and  trustworthy, and therefore highly unlikely to end the relationship.

The brain going on a loop, the overthinking is fueled by fear. Fear is a distress in the brain and the thinking is  aimed at solving the distress, quieting  it down. Problem is  when fear  is  not based on a here-and-now situation, that is, it is based on long ago and is triggered now, it cannot be quieted, so we think, still afraid, we think more, still afraid, hence  the  loop, the  overthinking.

And fear does  indeed makes us dense, dense with overthinking  and distress, so we are unable to attend attentively to the here-and-now and our intelligence literally falters.

3. The Qualities you Value: “This guy had the qualities I did not find in any  other man earlier… He was polite and respectful and understanding and encouraging to  me… He was  patient with people, took time to understand matters and tried solving things”- these  are the qualities you like in others and in yourself, qualities you want to refine and  develop because you value them so much.

“There was a thing which bugged me during the relationship a  lot, he never apologized first   except for   once and  never accepted his mistakes… he did not take any responsibility in the breakup”- this is another quality that you value very highly, taking responsibility for one’s actions, accepting  and acknowledging making mistakes and apologizing for wrong  doings.

4.  All-you-need-is-Love: “everything seems nonsensical and without a purpose. I aced through school and college, and then  I got  tired of everything. The only thing that kept me working for the future was  the  concept of love. I loved someone. In a manner that consumed me and when he  left, it left me with nothing”- we all need love, all of us humans do. Love quiets fear.

5. False Responsibility: “I failed as a daughter when I could not keep jobs or study harder  to give them a position in society that everyone would  appreciate; I felt I failed as a sister when my brother could  no longer look up to me seeing  the epitome of success. I failed as a partner when he left  without saying a word… I failed as a granddaughter… At  this point of my life, I only feel like a failure”-

-You are not responsible for  having been born a female, therefore you are not responsible for your paternal grandfather suggesting to his son to give you up for adoption. You are not responsible for the social/cultural norms of that led to your parents following the suggestion of the grandfather as if it was an order that had to be obeyed. You didn’t fail your grandparents or parents or siblings.

6. Weakness and Strength: I lost the  quote, but you wrote that you don’t want to  appear weak in front of anyone, that  there are things you want to say to people but you don’t want  to appear weak to them.

Will you elaborate on this, #6 (as well as your thoughts on #1-5)?

* I did not attend much to the current thread and our very recent communication, but will be glad to do so. It will take a bit of time, back and forth communication between the two of us. I am willing if you are.

anita