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Is seeking re-assurance a bad thing ?

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  • April 14, 2014 at 1:56 am #54739
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    We are all social beings. The quality of our environment does affect our perception. After reading your previous posts, it did seem like there was a pattern of emotional dependency in the former relationship. Now the bigger questions that arise are, (i) do you do this with everyone? (ii) is it ok? (iii) what is actually ok?

    Despite all the comments i make or anyone here makes or whatever your friends tell you, ultimately it will be your choice to actually take it in. You’ll find a number of people who never seem to believe even positive feedback from their loved ones. In their eyes, they are fundamentally flawed and unworthy. In your case, you seem to be aware of your good traits but at the same time, you find it hard to feel assured that what you do have is indeed enough. That is why you need to turn to these people to act like your “mirrors” to show you what you are. Nonetheless, the reflections they offer you never give you a complete picture. Thats where the role of your belief comes in.

    Do you truly believe that you are fundamentally a wonderful person, with a beautiful soul with or without your looks, worldly achievements? Do you believe that your opinion and voice matters too? Is it so important to become his version of “perfect” to feel “perfect”?

    Are your thoughts and actions truly in line with your values? If he is blind to your qualities, then he hasnt been able to love you enough anyway. Why do you feel that you’re unlovable just because of this person? What do you fundamentally want to be?

    The day you learn to take in the voice of others with a sense of reason and ultimately make a “conscious choice” whether to “accept” or “reject” or “incorporate” it, and develop mindfulness about this, that is the time you’ll find balance. Taking help and reassurance from others is not weakness, if done when you too are confident of your ability to choose and know who you are.

    One way to start is by asking yourself – If you saw a friend of yours behave in this way, what would you tell her?

    April 14, 2014 at 5:09 am #54749
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    So, essentially you’re looking for reassurance that seeking reassurance isn’t such a bad thing? 😉

    The problem is, that right now you are viewing everything from the point of view of a person who is feeling insecure about herself and has given away all her power and is desperately trying to loan it back now and again from other people. If someone says that you are right and good and lovable, it’ll only give you security for a moment, but when the moment is gone again, you’ll need your fix again. It’s not a good situation for you, nor for other people. But instead of focusing on if it’s a good thing or a bad thing, why not just start taking action, right now, where you summon back all your power and hold onto it. Don’t give it away. Instead of asking someone else if something looks good on you, you dress the way you think looks good on you. Do what makes you happy. You think you did your job well? Be happy and feel great about what a wonderful worker you are. If you start to look for compliments, then you’re gambling with your own happiness. Whether other people are the sort who notice and give compliments has more to do with them and their own situation in life rather than you.

    If you do things that make you happy, then would you have chosen to be with your ex in the first place? Would you need the compliments of others if you already felt good about yourself? Perhaps you would’ve chosen to be with someone who also thought that you’re wonderful, because it corresponded with your own view of yourself. Perhaps you would feel joyous that others like your choices in life as well, if they randomly complimented you on who you are, what you look like and what you do. You can enjoy all those things, but there’s a mismatch in thinking that you aren’t good enough, but still expect other people to see you as you being good enough. Such conflicting energy, and it can’t work.

    April 15, 2014 at 10:12 pm #54833
    Zita
    Participant

    Thanks Moongal for reading my post. Some of the things you mentioned are indeed thought provoking, I almost feel as if our society stigmatizes seeking reassurance into something that should be avoided at all cost . The pressure to ” know ” things about your self and others at all times often paralyzes my ability to think straight. There is just overwhelming amount of healing to do from this .

    April 15, 2014 at 10:24 pm #54834
    Zita
    Participant

    The Ruminant, Thank you for your wonderful insight. I love what you said about “Perhaps you would’ve chosen to be with someone who also thought that you’re wonderful, because it corresponded with your own view of yourself” I am starting to realize that my personal view of my self does align with my choices of partners. There is conflict definitely , I do expect to be treated a certain way but perhaps I haven’t been mind enough to my self either .

    April 15, 2014 at 11:23 pm #54838
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    Zita, I’ve been doing similar things myself. I have chosen the kind of partners that were never really pleased with me and then I sought for their approval. I don’t know what that was all about, but I know I did it, and that just means that I could stop doing that and that it wasn’t actually about me somehow being worse than others. I needed to shift my thinking a bit, and I am still shifting it. I still give my power away to other people and seek their approval a bit too much. But when ever I place my focus back on myself and what I want, and realize that it is my life and my body and my mind and I get to take care of it in what ever way I want, it feels so good…

    So, there’s nothing wrong with you. Your thinking has just shifted, and you can shift it back. You are the most important person in your life, and if you keep telling yourself that someone else’s opinion matters more than your own, then that’s not a very nice thing to tell yourself, is it? Of course we want to be accepted by other people. I would say that it’s even a basic need. But that comes easier when you accept yourself first. Other people will treat you the way you think you should be treated.

    I think you’ll be OK 😉

    • This reply was modified 11 years, 1 month ago by The Ruminant.
    • This reply was modified 11 years, 1 month ago by The Ruminant.
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