I have been with my spouse for 11 years, married for 7.5, and we have two lovely daughters together. Our relationship has been difficult from early on, and now as I look back, I realize that there were many red flags that I ignored or didn’t realize at the time. Since I have always loved him dearly, I have stayed and put up with emotional abuse for all these years. Unfortunately, I didn’t even realize that his behavior was abusive until we moved 4,000 miles away from home. He makes me feel guilty for the things I enjoy (like working and taking night photos) and doesn’t let me feel like I have a say in major decisions. I don’t feel like he really listens to me or even sees me or truly knows what matters to me. If I look nice for work, there are comments that I’m just dressed nice for work and not for him. When I wanted to work, I was “letting someone else raise our kids” and it would be on me if anything happened to them. When I wanted to visit home after being away for over a year, it was a huge fight over money and I should have gotten a job to pay for plane tickets. When I went home anyway, he made me feel guilty for not being here to help with winter prep, even though I was sitting by my stepmom’s hospital bedside and then helping my dad with her funeral arrangements. I was told to make sure I took time to grieve while I was there so I wouldn’t be “all crying and sh**” when I got home. The fights leading up to that trip and the things that happened while I was there broke something in me. That’s when I first started to think about leaving.

I have stayed and tried to make things work for the sake of our girls, and last fall I told him I wanted to leave. We talked extensively about everything, he apologized and took responsibility for everything, he cried and begged me to give him one more chance, and so I did. He promised to change, and in a lot of ways he has. He has started helping me more around the house and with the kids, but he is still incredibly self-centered and prefers to play video games rather than spend time with us. He planned a weekend trip for us recently, and it really showed me that I don’t feel much for him anymore. We struggled to find things to talk about without the kids around. I appreciated the gesture, but I feel very numb and indifferent at this point. He is not all bad, and we have had some great times together. But in the big moments that mattered the most, I have felt so alone. I don’t even know why I’m posting or what I am asking. I’m just lost and feel guilty for not being more responsive to his attempts to be better. Sorry this is so long, and thank you for reading.