Home→Forums→Relationships→Is my friend abusing me?
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Anonymous.
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November 30, 2022 at 10:18 am #411006
AnonymousGuestDear Caroline:
“Every time she calls me… I prepare myself to sound happy when in reality I am very calm“- I see. I don’t think that it’s a good idea for you to pretend to feel happy: there is nothing wrong with feeling calm. In fact, I prefer to feel calm than to feel happy, and I prefer interacting with calm people than interacting with excited people.
Let’s say, she calls you and you feel angry at her (for no valid reason, or you are not aware of the reason you feel angry)- in this case, if I was you, I would contain my anger and not express it. But when you feel calm- express calm no matter how she feels. It is not your job to match her mood.
“She even said to me ‘You do not talk much’ when both of them do. Unfortunately I often do not have ideas on what to say“- neither she, nor you, Caroline, should expect yourself to talk as much as she does. It is not your job or your duty to match how much she- or anyone else- talks.
When she told you that you don’t talk much, you could have (and maybe you will next time), ask her if it bothers her that you don’t talk much. And if she says it does, ask her why.
“I worry they will see I do not have much to offer“- offer your acceptance of- and respect- for yourself: it’s a precious thing to offer!
anita
December 24, 2022 at 12:11 pm #412577AnonymousGuestHow are you, Caroline? Merry Christmas!
anita
December 24, 2022 at 3:18 pm #412606
CarolineParticipanthello Anita
Firstly I would like to thank you for your precious advise and apologize for not responding earlier.I want you to know I have read this at the time and changed my behavior and expectations toward myself a bit.
“neither she, nor you, Caroline, should expect yourself to talk as much as she does. It is not your job or your duty to match how much she- or anyone else- talks.”
“offer your acceptance of- and respect- for yourself: it’s a precious thing to offer!”
I thought you were right, because if we ever have an argument or she will see I am not as cheerful as she thought I was (I can “pretend” but she will eventually see it and find me boring or something) it may be a problem. So better I act how I really am – not speaking much, being rather calm, not excited – if she accepts me and respects it, it will be better for our (work) relationship in the future. Right? And she will respect me for having my own personality and not pretending. AND I feel better about myself too -not pressured into pretending someone I am not.
“Let’s say, she calls you and you feel angry at her (for no valid reason, or you are not aware of the reason you feel angry)- in this case, if I was you, I would contain my anger and not express it.” -That’s a good advise, very thoughtful to behave like this. Thank You Anita.
Merry Christmas!
December 24, 2022 at 4:00 pm #412608AnonymousGuestDear Caroline:
You are welcome, thank you and good to read back from you (no reason to apologize, as far as I am concerned).
“Better I act how I really am – not speaking much, being rather calm, not excited – if she accepts me and respects it, it will be better for our (work) relationship in the future. Right?“- yes, mutual respect always helps work relationships and personal relationships!
“AND I feel better about myself too -not pressured into pretending someone I am not“- respecting yourself (not pretending to be someone you are not) helps your relationship with yourself, and that feels better!
anita
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