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Is love enough?

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  • March 17, 2016 at 5:09 am #99240
    Clare2016
    Participant

    Hi, I really hope some of you can give me some much needed wisdom.

    I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years. He is wonderful. He loves me unconditionally and I have never felt love like this for anyone. The only problem is that we are very different. We come from very different backgrounds, have very different ideas about things and different levels of intellect but our values seem to be the same and our wants for the future seem to be the same. He brings out the best in me, makes me a better person and he says I do the same for him (even if I can’t see how).

    Throughout our relationship I have had intermittent doubts about comparability given our differences and whether love is enough but have been settled for the past year. The way I was brought up was that love was not enough and it was very success and money driven. He has taught me that there is much more to life than money, success and material things and I adore him for that but sometimes my upbringing creeps back in and makes me worry that we are too different. That he isn’t posh enough, smart enough or capable enough. It’s embarrassing to even admit those thoughts.
    As I say the past year has been great, up until I was admitted with anorexia and he has stood by my side throughout and been my rock despite it placing a strain on us. But as you can imagine I am generally feeling unsettled as I try to battle the illness.

    Recently I found a receipt for an engagement ring and we have a holiday planned soon so that could be the time. In addition we are moving 200 miles away soon so commitment is a big thing currently. I had it drummed into me by my family never to marry with even a single tiny doubt so I am panicking.

    So what are these worries? Are they recurring doubts? Is it my ‘gut’ that I should be listening to? Am I battling with commitment? Is it a conflict between what will truly make me happy and what I was brought up to think will make me happy? Or am I just looking for something to change as a quick fix to make me happy or something else to worry about instead of my illness? How can I go about unpicking these thoughts?

    I realise this post is like word vomit, I am sorry. I hope you can help me shed light.

    Thanks

    March 17, 2016 at 6:20 am #99241
    AzaleaErie
    Participant

    I understand your fear of commitment if you have any doubts. But I also think it is impossible to have no doubts when you are contemplating a big commitment like marriage. And what you are going through seems normal.

    Your boyfriend seems to have a lot of very good qualities. He brings out the best in you, which is huge. He supports you during times of hardship. You have the same values and wants for the future. Those are major good points in his favor.

    I am wondering how long have you been together? Maybe you need more time before you are ready to commit to marriage. There is no reason to rush.

    Also it seems you are going through a hard time yourself battling anorexia. It doesn’t seem wise to make one of the biggest decisions in your life at a time when you are not stable within yourself. Maybe you need time to focus on your own life and learn more about your wants and needs. Are you confident that you can be yourself within the relationship? Will you have the freedom and space to grow and explore and to do what you need to do to live your life fully if you stay with him?

    Even though he is different from you, do you respect and admire him? Is he someone you are proud to be with?

    Do you lean on him too much and does this prevent you from finding your own inner stability? This situation might be comforting now but could feel stifling in 20 years.

    I don’t know the answers to these questions but it might be something to think about.

    As far as money and prestige, I do not think this leads to happiness. But you do want someone who is responsible and reliable enough that you can feel secure that your basic needs will be looked after.

    March 17, 2016 at 8:52 am #99258
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Clare2016:

    * Who is moving 200 miles away? You and your parents, 200 miles away from your boyfriend?

    As to the rest of your post: what your parents told you, that money and social status are very important, as a child you take it in. And they must have expressed this value many, many times through the years of your childhood and young adulthood, so you took it in. You had no choice on the matter and no skills to evaluate what they said before you took it in. You were only a child, and as a child, with no critical thinking skills, you absorb like a sponge, passively, what the most important people in the world tell you!

    This is why you have doubts, because your boyfriend is not compatible with what you were taught.

    When you are able to evaluate what you were taught by your parents, accept and reject those things according to your own thinking and trust your own thinking… that is when you, as an adult, critically think about what you were taught, then you become authentically you. At that point you can figure out if you and him are compatible.

    Your anorexia is about fear. From your post, it is not your 3 year relationship with your boyfriend that brought about such fear in you (ongoing fear= anxiety) but your relationship with your parents that did that. Evidently, the sum of their values expressed itself as your anorexia. This is very telling, isn’t it?

    anita

    March 17, 2016 at 1:55 pm #99306
    Zenseeker74
    Participant

    Love is about acceptance … and understanding.
    Love is not perfect and you won’t find anyone perfect. Be you , he is him love and be happy or do not. These are your choices.

    In love always….

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