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Is love enough?

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  • March 17, 2016 at 6:20 am #99241
    AzaleaErie
    Participant

    I understand your fear of commitment if you have any doubts. But I also think it is impossible to have no doubts when you are contemplating a big commitment like marriage. And what you are going through seems normal.

    Your boyfriend seems to have a lot of very good qualities. He brings out the best in you, which is huge. He supports you during times of hardship. You have the same values and wants for the future. Those are major good points in his favor.

    I am wondering how long have you been together? Maybe you need more time before you are ready to commit to marriage. There is no reason to rush.

    Also it seems you are going through a hard time yourself battling anorexia. It doesn’t seem wise to make one of the biggest decisions in your life at a time when you are not stable within yourself. Maybe you need time to focus on your own life and learn more about your wants and needs. Are you confident that you can be yourself within the relationship? Will you have the freedom and space to grow and explore and to do what you need to do to live your life fully if you stay with him?

    Even though he is different from you, do you respect and admire him? Is he someone you are proud to be with?

    Do you lean on him too much and does this prevent you from finding your own inner stability? This situation might be comforting now but could feel stifling in 20 years.

    I don’t know the answers to these questions but it might be something to think about.

    As far as money and prestige, I do not think this leads to happiness. But you do want someone who is responsible and reliable enough that you can feel secure that your basic needs will be looked after.

    March 17, 2016 at 8:52 am #99258
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Clare2016:

    * Who is moving 200 miles away? You and your parents, 200 miles away from your boyfriend?

    As to the rest of your post: what your parents told you, that money and social status are very important, as a child you take it in. And they must have expressed this value many, many times through the years of your childhood and young adulthood, so you took it in. You had no choice on the matter and no skills to evaluate what they said before you took it in. You were only a child, and as a child, with no critical thinking skills, you absorb like a sponge, passively, what the most important people in the world tell you!

    This is why you have doubts, because your boyfriend is not compatible with what you were taught.

    When you are able to evaluate what you were taught by your parents, accept and reject those things according to your own thinking and trust your own thinking… that is when you, as an adult, critically think about what you were taught, then you become authentically you. At that point you can figure out if you and him are compatible.

    Your anorexia is about fear. From your post, it is not your 3 year relationship with your boyfriend that brought about such fear in you (ongoing fear= anxiety) but your relationship with your parents that did that. Evidently, the sum of their values expressed itself as your anorexia. This is very telling, isn’t it?

    anita

    March 17, 2016 at 1:55 pm #99306
    Zenseeker74
    Participant

    Love is about acceptance … and understanding.
    Love is not perfect and you won’t find anyone perfect. Be you , he is him love and be happy or do not. These are your choices.

    In love always….

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 1 month ago by Zenseeker74.
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