Adly,

I’m impressed and humbled by the detachment you have for this relationship, and looking at it from a balanced perspective is always healthy. Sometimes when we love someone, we try to “shed” parts of ourselves that are quite healthy, in order to fit the mold of our partners expectations. Its fine if we are challenged to grow, that almost always accompanies a relationship. The question is what exactly are you growing, and what would you grow into if you mold yourself to his expectations. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

First off, as I read your words, there was a strong flavor of codependency patterns. Love is not supposed to require sacrifice of our desires, only compromise. It seems as though you are using your love for him as an excuse to step away from what you know is right. This is not healthy, and indicates that the relationship wont survive long term. What usually happens is once the “sparkly” bits fade in the connection, you may realize that you’re not actually receiving something your heart needs in order to flourish…. freedom. Love sets us free, not controls us.

For instance, when you go and hang out with friends, he becomes agitated and jealous. This means he is, in that moment at least, very self absorbed. Instead of feeling joy that you are out having a good time, he responds as though he is hungry, and his food is elsewhere. It may just be fear that will perhaps settle as you two grow together. In order for that to be the case, he’d have to be able to identify his emotion, and work to make amends. For instance “when you were out with friends, I became fearful and jealous… sorry for my goof.” Rather than “don’t go out with friends, if you loved me you’d stay home with me.”

Consider picking up a great book on codependency. Pia Melody has done some great work exposing the patterns that arise, and giving practical advice how to take responsibility for yourself, and not for others. Said differently, as you see him struggle with issues and problems, it may inspire a gravity or attraction to see him grow, evolve, quit drugging himself, and become a better man. That gravity interrupts your focus on attending your own needs, and often leads to self sacrifice, getting him what he wants at the expense of yourself. This is not noble or loving… intimate love has to be mutually nourishing, mutually freeing, in order for it to last.

Finally, consider that perhaps you don’t spend enough time nurturing yourself. Its very possible that even though you see he isn’t a good fit, because he pays you tender attention, you go back to him. The solution is to give yourself that tender attention, so as you make your decisions about what to do with your life, with him, with yourself, that it comes from a place of stability and inner peace. Much like a chef eats before he cooks because his hunger makes everything taste better, we self nurture so we can approach our lives with strength. Said differently, if you take some time to self nurture, the way your connection with him influences you (in both good and bad ways) may become clearer to you, and you can make a decision from a.place of strength.

So, hop in the tub, light some candles, go for a walk, listen to some soft music, go to a museum alone… whatever helps your body relax, unwind, and become settled and peaceful. This nourishes your heart, so that you won’t come to him as a beggar, hoping you can make it work with him no matter the cost. Instead, you can approach him as the queen you are, and decide if he is the king you’ve been seeking.

From your description, it sounds to me as though you already know he is a dud. Do you stay because you feel unworthy of a better connection? Are you scared you’ll be alone? Do you like what you see in the mirror? Do you feel like you’re trying to sacrifice who you are or what you really need to fit into his (and his family’s) little mold? Don’t do it, dear sister, your wings are wide and strong, and it is difficult to fly if you clip them for him (or anyone).

With warmth,
Matt

Adly,

I invite you to look at your own observations. 1) Your ex has severe emotional issues from his mother, 2) Your ex quickly leaves and enters relationships, 3) Your ex does not want a full relationships with you, 4) Your ex wants to control your contact with friends and is insecure about you not calling him, 5) Your ex is a heavy drug user, 6) Your relationship is heavily riddled with fear, distrust and betrayal.

What advice would you give to a friend under those circumstances?

I have observed many women who loved others more than they love themselves.

How do you love yourself Adly?

Also I am cautious about using the term “love” for that means different things for different people especially on how that shows up in their actions. Ex. You can love or care for another without being enmeshed with them, without being in a romantic relationship with them.

I wish you peace Adly.

Mark