Is it worth it to ask for another chance?

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June 18, 2020 at 4:01 pm #358908

Annie
Participant

I met this guy (we’ll call him H) on a dating app about 2 years ago. At the time, my then-boyfriend and I were having issues and we were on and off. After breaking up with my then-boyfriend, I went on a dating app and matched with H. I was really upset about the break up, and ended up telling H about everything regarding the issues and situation with my ex. He listened and consoled me. We stopped talking shortly after I got back with my ex. Fast forward to March of this year, I’m single again and reconnected again with H on the dating app. We got together soon after and he showered me with a lot of affection and attention. I shared a lot of information with H regarding my past relationship with my ex. H didn’t like my ex because of what he heard and how he was to me. He didn’t like how my ex hurt me so much. He would ask me if my exes ever showed me this much love, etc. and I know he wanted to treat me better than how my exes treated me. He would share and send photos of him and his family because he said he wants to share his life with me. But I felt bad and undeserving of this because I feel like it’s too soon to be expressing strong feelings like saying ‘I love you’ with a week of dating. He told me he’s fallen for me and wants to marry me. I told him I want to take things slow and not rush it. He agreed and was patient with me. We went on a few dates and after, we ended up having sex.

At some point, I started feeling irritated and got upset with him easily. At first he would comfort me and ask me what’s wrong. I started to feel bothered that our text was starting just be mostly sexual text. It just felt like he wanted me for sex only. Things seemed fine and he texted like me like usual, but I felt he stopped flirting with me and wasn’t as affectionate as before. I had a gut feeling he was on the dating app talking to girls, so I went on it and he was online. I was hurt because we agreed we are mutually exclusive. The next day, I asked him if what we were and if we’re still talking to other guys/girls. He lied and said that no we are a couple and that he’s not talking to other new girls except friends. He seemed annoyed at me bringing up about it. At that point, I knew he was lying. But I shook it off and we were texting like usual. Last Thursday night, he was in a bad mood and said he’d go to sleep. I texted him good night and I love you as we usually do, but he never replied back until morning. But it felt off, and I went on the dating app and he was on it the whole night. I also found out he blocked me on the dating app. That gutted a lot. Morning, he texted that he’s so sleepy and I asked him if it was because he was up all night talking to other girls. He said no and that he was just annoyed with games. I told him that I saw him on and that he had blocked me. He seemed confused and denied that it was him. He then said he has something to show me and found a screenshot of the dating app that his subscription ended. He told me he can’t talk to other girls and that it’s pointless because he has me. He told me he’ll delete the account and he did. Then went on that one girlfriend is already expensive and that he’s too poor to have another girlfriend and told me to believe him. I decided to give him another chance because it’s all digital and maybe he did get hacked, but I was starting to lose trust. Then came Saturday, he was drunk at his cousin’s house. My friend found him on bumble and told me. She got matched with him and she decided to message him. She asked him if he was single and if he’s dating anyone. He replied back that yes he’s single which is why he’s on here. Then said no he’s dating no one. I saw the screenshot of the text and I was beyond hurt. He was on the app talking to other girls while at the same time texting me like nothing happened. When I confronted him about it with the screenshot, he acted confused and as if he didn’t know what I was talking about. I said something that triggered him and basically ended it with him. At that moment, he said he didn’t like how I was treating him and how I sounded towards him. He said that I’m not over my ex and that it bothered him how I mentioned I was going to see my ex and keeping him as a friend. He said he was too scared to tell me because of how I was and decided to pretend like everything was okay. He said that he’s kind of given up hope and that it’s fine I go back to my ex. I tried telling him I only see my ex as a friend and nothing else and he said others doesn’t see it like that. He said he feels like I cherish my ex more than I cherish him. Then tells me he feels he’s the only one making all the effort to make me happy and that the more he knows me the more he wants to push away. I found out he blocked me on Instagram. I felt I was too reactive and impulsive for ending things so quickly without talking everything out because I was so hurt he lied that he was single on the dating app. He remade another account on the dating app two days after.. but didn’t put anything except a photo of him and hadn’t logged in since.

After a few days to calm down, I really want to talk to him in person about it, but I’m not sure if he would be down to or if he’ll even reply to me. He deleted me on social media.

June 18, 2020 at 4:03 pm #358909

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Annie:

I will be able to read and reply to your thread either in a couple of hours or in about 14 hours from now. I hope other members answer you as well.

anita

June 18, 2020 at 4:54 pm #358913

Annie
Participant

Okay, thanks anita

June 18, 2020 at 6:06 pm #358915

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Annie:

I read some of your Sept 2017 thread and your Sept 2019 thread, as well as this one, June 2020. Reads to me hat H lied to you repeatedly, and that his words to you in the beginning were empty, he didn’t follow through with what he told you (he didn’t walk his talk).

What he told you later on, that you were not over your ex, these don’t explain away his lying to you and not walking his talk, therefore what he told you sounds to me like excuses, making himself look good and making you look bad, in his own mind.

Reads like he said he loved you and was attentive with you being motivated at least partly, to have sex with you.

Is what I am saying making sense to you?

I am sorry, Annie, I know you had a tough time in the past with the relationship you shared about, and otherwise, and I wish you have a healthy, loving relationship soon enough, when you are ready. I personally had terrible relationships before I had the good one.. when I was ready.

I hope to read more from you and we can continue to communicate for as long as you want to.

anita

June 18, 2020 at 6:21 pm #358917

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Annie:

I forgot to answer your question: “Is it worth it to ask for another chance?”- no, is my answer. He does not deserve a second chance with you. You read like a decent, honest young woman, and you deserve a decent, honest young man. It will be wonderful if you felt more of your own worth, so that you can see yourself that you deserve so much better.

anita

June 18, 2020 at 6:22 pm #358918
Annie
Participant
He never apologized that he was caught even when I had proof of it. That hurts. Because I thought he’d be different and better. He didn’t believe me when I said I was over my ex and thought I’m keeping him as a friend because I still want him. I don’t. I’m not sure if it’s because he was cheated on before (he told me his first relationship ended because his then-girlfriend was acting different toward him and assumed she cheated). And told me a few times for me not to hurt him or don’t want to be hurt. Is it because he’s afraid I’d cheat on him, so he did it first? I don’t know fully what he does on the dating app and how his conversations with other girls are like, because I just only see he’s still on it. He deactivated it after we decided to be together, but I noticed he reactivated it again without telling me. When I broke up with him, he told me he’s kind of given up hope and that it’s fine I go back to my ex. I know both our trust for each other is broken. I just hoped there was still something I could do to make it better. He said he is not down to be the only one doing everything and making me happy. That he’s not happy and feels I don’t put enough effort. He said he can’t improve himself to better himself for me and that it seems I cherish my ex more than I do him. I felt like my efforts were unappreciated. It’s only been 2 months we dated..
- This reply was modified 4 years, 5 months ago by Annie.
- This reply was modified 4 years, 5 months ago by Annie.
June 18, 2020 at 6:28 pm #358921

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Annie:

I posted you a third post before your recent, so I don’t know if you read it. You wrote in your recent post: “both our trust for each other is broken”. I can see how your trust in him is broken (he lied to you, he didn’t walk his talk), but I don’t see how you broke his trust, I don’t see where you lied to him or didn’t walk your talk?

anita

June 18, 2020 at 6:35 pm #358922

Annie
Participant

Thanks anita, I did see your third post.

I guess he doesn’t trust or believe my feelings for him or the relationship.

It just hurt that he blocked me on the dating app because I guess he figured I knew he was still on it, but still didn’t admit he was on it and saying it wasn’t him. I would’ve appreciated if he’d been honest with me but he never was.

June 18, 2020 at 7:10 pm #358924
Anonymous
Guest
Dear Annie:

“he doesn’t trust my feelings for him or the relationship”- I remember my therapist back years ago telling me that feelings are like the weather, they keep changing, sometimes it’s sunny, other times it’s raining.. so feelings are not unchanging, and therefore to be trusted or distrusted to remain unchanged, permanent. On the other hand, behavior can be trusted or distrusted, meaning it is possible for a person to not lie to his girlfriend, to not go on a dating app after saying he is exclusive with you, it is possible for a person to walk his talk and talk his walk-

So behavior can be trusted or not trusted, and his behavior- not trustworthy.

I understand that you are hurt that he blocked you. It hurts to be blocked, it’s like someone slams the door in one’s face, unpleasant, at the least.

“I would’ve appreciated if he’d been honest with me but he never was”- you said it. Promise yourself that next time you will make sure that a man you meet is honest and trustworthy before you become intimate with him; that next time words will not be enough, especially words said too early (and you wrote that you felt it was too soon to say the things he said).

Learn from the experience and recover from this bad experience, rest, be kind to yourself, don’t blame yourself and don’t ask him for another chance. Like I wrote, he doesnt deserve another chance with you, and you shouldn’t give him the opportunity to hurt you again.

anita
- This reply was modified 4 years, 5 months ago by .
June 18, 2020 at 11:01 pm #358935

Annie
Participant

Thank you anita. What you said makes sense to me. I know I deserve better, which was why I ended it. Because I gave him a warning that if he cheats or doesn’t treat me well, I would end it. He said he got it but still wasn’t truthful he was still talking to others. It’s hard to walk away but I know it’s the right thing to do.

June 19, 2020 at 5:50 am #358949

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Annie:

You are welcome. It is now morning for me, and because I am more focused in the morning I decided to re-read your posts for the purpose of perhaps helping you learn from the experience so that you are better equipped to have a better relationship in the future with someone else.

1. “I met .. H on a dating app.. ended up telling H about everything regarding the issues and situation with my ex.. I shared a lot of information with H regarding my past relationship”- when two people are considering dating each other (and while dating), it is not a good idea for either one to talk a lot about an ex, because what is told can come back to the person’s mind later on, when a relationship progresses, and trouble the person.

2. March of this year, “I’m single again and reconnected again with H on a dating app.. he showered me with a lot of affection and attention.. He shared and send photos of him and his family because he said he wants to share his life with me.. I feel like it’s too soon to be expressing strong feelings like saying ‘I love you’ with a week of dating. He told me he’s fallen for me and wants to marry me.. We went on a few dates and after, we ended up having sex”- you were right, he told you things too soon, within a week of dating, way too soon. So next time a man showers you with a lot of affection and attention right from the start, telling you right from the start that he loves you and wants to marry you- be suspicious and do not have sex with him. Figure out first why he is telling you these things so soon, ask him questions. When he told you that he wants to marry you, you could have asked him: what about a woman will make a good wife for you? If he hesitates and don’t know what to day.. you have your answer: he was just saying words.

3. “At some point, I started being irritated and got upset with him easily.. our text was starting just be mostly sexual text. It just felt like he wanted me for sex only.. he stopped flirting with me and wasn’t affectionate as before”- no wonder you were irritated and upset with him, you figured what was going on, that his motivation with you was sexual, not.. the love and marriage he mentioned so early on.

Better then, in a future relationship to postpone sex until a couple of months, better longer into the dating relationship, get to know him better, see if the conversations are still interesting, if each person is curious about the other, ask him questions, see if he asks you questions, get a feel for his honesty or lack of, get to know him in different contexts, all before having sex.

4. You wrote about after the two of you agreed to be mutually exclusive: “I had a gut feeling he was on a dating app.. so I went on it and he was online.. He lied and said that.. he’s not talking to other new girls.. Last Thursday.. I went on the dating app and he was on it the whole night. I also found out he blocked me on the dating app.. he.. denied that it was him.. Then came Saturday.. She got matched with him.. He replied back that yes he’s single which is why he’s on there.. said he is dating no one”- here is the evidence of his dishonesty: the two of you declared to each other that you are in a mutually exclusive relationship and yet he told another woman that he is single, and then he told her “which is why I am here”, trying to make her feel stupid for asking him if he is single. That’s a lie plus being an a**.

“He was on the app talking to other girls while at the same time texting me like nothing happened”- he is multitasking while dishonest. It is not like he got so excited about another woman that he forgot for a little while that he was in an exclusive relationship, he was well aware he had a girlfriend because he was talking with you at the same time!

“When I confronted him about it.. he acted confused and as if he didn’t know what I was talking about”- reads like a strategic pattern of behavior on his part: lying and then acting confused.. so to confuse the person accusing him of lying.

“At that moment, he said he didn’t like how I was treating him and how I sounded towards him.. that I’m not over my ex…He said he was too scared… that he’s kind of given up hope.. that he’s he only one making all the effort”- now he turns from accused to accuser, a common strategic pattern of behavior aimed at shifting the blame from him to you, making you feel guilty.

*Although it is not a good idea to talk to a person you consider dating (or while dating) about an ex, it has nothing to do with his dishonest behavior. His dishonest behavior started long before you met him, long before he ever heard of you or your ex. He was using what he could use so to shift the blame and confuse you.

And he succeeded in confusing you, at least for a while, because you took the blame he dished your way, writing “I know both our trust for each other is broken” while it is only him who went on the dating app presenting himself as single, you didn’t! So he broke your trust, you didn’t break his trust.

And still confused, you wrote: “I just hoped there was still something I could do to make it better”- you can’t do anything to make it better with a man who repeatedly lies and acts confused so to confuse you and then accuses you.

Annie, I hope you feel better as you read this. Post again anytime, and when you meet a new man in your life, apply what you learned with this man so to be able to evaluate a man before becoming intimate, and proceed toward an honest, respectful and loving relationship.

anita

June 19, 2020 at 4:31 pm #359007
Annie
Participant
Hi anita. Today was a bit harder because he was in my mind the first thing when I woke up this morning. I felt really tempted to check up on his profile but I’m trying to fight the urge not to. I feel depressed and unmotivated as well due to still being in quarantine so getting out of the house is not really an option for me. I feel so stuck.

And I appreciate you giving me more insight in this and to respond to some of your points,
1. I know it should’ve been common sense to not mention exes to potential dates and partners. At the moment, I just needed someone to talk to and he was that person. I felt like I could tell him things and how I feel. There were times he asked about my ex and we did exchange information and he’s shared some things about his exes as well (though not as much as I did). But I learnt now not to bring these things up so early on in the relationship or minimize it
2. That’s a good question and I’ll keep that question in mind the next time. I’m assuming he’s an emotional person. I was guarded and had walls up in the beginning so it was just nice things to hear for me. Before we met he would say things like I’m so fun and that’s what he like about me because we understand each other. It felt that way for me too. There was a time shortly after he asked me to be his girlfriend that I told him I want a break to sort out how I feel about him. He said he’ll wait for me until I’m ready because he wants me. That lasted a day and the next day we got back together. He said he was sad because he thought we broke up. He did mention about me to his online gaming friends in the beginning we got together that I’m his girlfriend. At the time, I felt it was too soon he announced it because I wasn’t ready to announce it yet. He apologized and said he was just too excited that he has a girlfriend.
3. Our text was him flirting with me sexually, but also mostly him talking about his family and friends and what he’s up to, sorry I wasn’t too clear on that. To be honest, I don’t know why I felt irritated that he was being sexual because I did enjoy that side with him and liked that he was attracted to me in that way. He did try to please me too and wanted me to feel good. It was early that we did it, but I felt ready to and did wanted to try it with him because I do enjoy sex. But it bothered me once when he asked me in his exact words if he “got in my pants faster than my ex”. I felt the way he worded it made it feel like I’m not respected.
4. When I first found out he was on the dating app, I remember asking him if we are mutually exclusive or to that sort. His response was “hmm” and it took him a minute or two to reply “it’s still too soon don’t you think?” And I was confused because we aren’t on the same page, but he insist we are. When I said I thought we were, he quickly changed and replied “okay honey we are we are”. Next morning I was still sad about it and he just asked me “babe heartbroken?” But it didn’t sound like he was concerned or cared at that point. It’s like when I ask what we are to him, he just goes along with what I say instead of voicing his opinion and thought because he didn’t want to upset me (I’m assuming)
June 19, 2020 at 4:47 pm #359009

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Annie:

It is tough to stay indoors for so long, I know. I do take a daily long walk though, and it feels good every time. Even indoors, some exercise makes me feel better. I read just a bit of your recent post because I am so tired. I will be back to your thread in about 15 hours from now.

anita

June 20, 2020 at 6:08 am #359028

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Annie:

You wrote that you learned to not bring up exes early in a relationship, and minimize sharing about exes (at any time in the relationship, not just in the beginning, I say!)

You wrote that it was nice to hear him say the things he said very early on, that his texts to you were not only sexual, but included him talking about his family and friends and what he’s up to. And that you don’t know why you were irritated that he was sexual in the texts, because you did enjoy the sexual interaction you had with him. I am guessing that you got irritated because even though you wanted a sexual relationship with him, you wanted to be respected as well.

“it bothered me once when he asked me in his exact words if he ‘got in my pants faster than my ex’. I felt the way he worded it made it feel like I’m not respected“- I agree, it is disrespectful to say that. What thoughts and emotions would lead a man to say that: something like… I got into her pants yea! I wonder if I got there faster than the other man.

You wrote that when you first found out that he was on the dating app, you asked him something like: are we mutually exclusive? And he answered: “hmmm…. it’s still too soon don’t you think?”-

– if he said that, that it’s too soon to assume mutual exclusivity after he told you that he loved you and wants to share his future with you, then the saying of these things (italicized) imply exclusivity. When a person says these words, if he means these words, it also means that he is not seeing or pursuing other women!

In summary, at this point, I still see the story as I saw it earlier, and as I expressed to you in earlier posts. How are you feeling today???

anita

June 20, 2020 at 11:48 am #359081

Annie
Participant

I woke up and thought about him again. I feel numb, empty. I felt like I just lost someone who could potentially be better for me.

Recently, my previous ex started messaging me often. We talk and I just don’t feel anything towards him anymore, as H assumed I still do. It still stings when H said I can go back to my ex and that he won’t force me to do anything, that he came to a conclusion that it’s okay if I do.
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