Today, having the chance to articulate my story/feelings and talk about them with people who aren’t involved in some way, or that I have other issues with, is helping me to organise my thoughts and think clearly about my feelings/what I want. I’ve been meditating since my last post and reading/re-reading you guys’ advice. Formulating my answers has been a real eye opener for me, and even though I see that I’m still stuck in the past and I’m much more broken than I thought. It’s been theraputic and I can feel myself getting better and clearer the more I write.

Firstly I’m going through major problems recently, health and family issues. Including some horrible behavior towards me and L by my family. I should have realised that they could contribute to my anger and insecurities resurfacing now. L has supported me emotionally and financially during this time, as I have done for her in the past, but things have definitely put a strain on our relationship. And anger has been a big part of my family stuff.

The more I think clearly about everything, I realise that my anger towards both of them (and others) is rooted not (just) in this thing that happened, but in my past. Although I am angry and hurt that he didn’t tell me after it happened (And about her actions too). The real details maybe don’t justify the strength of my reactions.

When I meditate on things I can think of some times in our childhood when I felt so angry towards O, but when I remember the details he didn’t actually do anything wrong (those times). O has been a bully growing up (he’s also been protective), including physical violence towards me a lot, and we have since fallen out over it, but no doubt my unspoken resentment about L and him was a factor in me deciding to cut him out of my life for a while. I thought my anger at L was because of him and how “bad” he was, but when I think back, my anger at him is maybe also coming from somewhere else. After all, he has been a victim too.

I also realised during meditation that I don’t think I have ever truly forgiven or let anything go my whole life. I tried to think of any small offense I’ve held on to, that I could forgive as practice for bigger things. I can’t think of one. Most things people do I don’t care about at all and I don’t carry it with me. But when I do It’s to my core and I make the hurt a part of me forever.

Maybe I just have lots of unforgivable hurts in my life. But I think I’ve never truly forgiven something that actually hurt me.

I have lived with anger so long I’m not sure what life is like without it. Anger has been my driving emotion forever it seems. As opposed to pain or depression, anger makes me get up and do things. It makes me feel vindicated and I don’t want to give the world the satisfaction of seeing me lie down and die. I see this in the way that I will often be paralysed with a feeling of uselessness and not doing what I want in life, until a big argument or falling out with my girlfriend/family happens. Then I will ride my rage for a few days, doing some of those things that I felt bad about not doing, and feeling a bit better for a while. It’s obviously unhealthy and this seems like the time to address it and try to do things for healthy reasons. For me.

I’d thought I was moving on and healing a bit because I had stopped thinking about my childhood so much, and accepted that I will never have closure from my mother or anyone else. I had put the past behind me and tried to start fresh with my mother. My biological father, who I hated for a long time for never knowing me and hurting my mother, popped up a few months ago and made a half-assed attempt to contact me on social media. I just felt it wasn’t worth my energy/mental health to pursue a relationship when he obviously wasn’t too bothered, and I was fine with that, not angry.

Maybe your right Anita and I should never have come back to try be better with my family because they, far more than L, seem to be sources of trauma and pain even now. And there has been no attempt by them to address the past or heal old wounds. In fact they all seem to be happy to create new ones instead. I am starting to think I should cut my mother, ex step-father and abusive brothers out of my life for the foreseeable future and try to heal myself for good this time.

The path seems to have opened up before me a little. Though I am by no means fine, I can identify courses of action that will make me feel better. Splitting up with L is not one of them at this time. Maybe that’s selfish, but at the start of this attempt at forgiveness/healing I told her explicitly what I was feeling and going through and that it might turn out that we can’t be together. She said she wanted to do anything she could to help me be healthy, even giving me some space and going back to her country if that’s what I needed. But she was adamant she wanted to stay and help if she could. I’ve been communicating my feelings to her every step of the way, and even though I’m sure I’m not easy to be around right now she continues to support me and make an effort to be a positive in my life. I really do love and appreciate her so much!

WOW, I realise I’ve just written a small book so I understand If it’s a bit too much to read through. Thanks so much to Tinybuddha and you all! For being my sounding board and impartial voices amongst the madness of my life.

Thank you.

Hi again Anita, Thanks for reading!

That was another long one. I think this topic should be called something else…I’m sorry for just unloading all this on you.

I agree with you about my mother, I don’t owe her a thing. I think I decided that years ago but between not wanting to alienate younger siblings (there’s nine of us all together) and not wanting to emotionally destroy a frail old woman. I have fallen into the pattern of my older siblings and just become friendly with her if not close. But I can see another way now involving healing myself and just leaving her out of it, and out of my life. I had tried this before but obviously not in a very healthy frame of mind…

Thanks again Anita.

I just read a quote by an author I loved as a child that really resonated with me. It was so relevant I decided to write it here.

“We can’t go back and change the beginning, but we can start where we are and change the ending.” – C.S Lewis.