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Is it okay to have hope? Sould I?

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  • September 23, 2013 at 12:29 am #42619
    Don’t want to say
    Participant

    Hi guys,

    My girlfriend of 3.5 years broke up with me two weeks ago because she said that she has lost feelings for me and that it was hurting her to pretend to have feelings for me when she didn’t. She said it wasn’t fair on me or her to stay in the relationship.

    I think I will first briefly explain our past a little and then explain recent events in a little more detail.

    In the first year of our relationship things were great! We were madly in love and everything was fantastic, we were both fairly young and had a lot of maturing to do.
    Towards the end of that first year I started to change and I tried to change her too (which I now realize was very wrong), she didn’t want to change since she was very headstrong and it caused issues in our relationship. We continued on for another year, her feelings were still strong for me but at about 1.7 years into the relationship I had lost feelings for her because I had talked myself into the fact that she wasn’t really what I was looking for. I had overlooked all of the good and I was focusing on just the bad. Not long after this I ended things with her. She begged for me to take her back, and I did, things went on for a little while with no change, but after a couple of months my feelings begun to return for her. We did however still argue quite a bit because I still wanted her to change certain aspects about her self such as her eating disorder and I wanted her to become more spiritual. Don’t get me wrong things were great during this time, we had a lot of fun and it wasn’t all negative at all.

    About 6 months ago her feelings started to change towards me, she started to lose feelings for me, while my feelings were growing for her.

    I believe she lost feelings for me because she still believed that I didn’t care about her and that I wanted to change her.

    4 months ago she spoke to me about it and we had a long talk about it, I have now come to accept her flaws and I love her for exactly who she is, she has worked through a lot of the things I didn’t like about her and she is really maturing as a person, and I really love that.

    In the last 4 months we haven’t argued, minor a few small disagreements which weren’t arguments and I haven’t tried to change her.

    3 months ago I took her on a holiday to a really nice play to try and mend things a bit between us, however it was sort of a disaster because I was sick with the flu the whole time and she was on her period, which caused both of us to be in a bad mood. She saw this as a bad sign for our relationship without considering the fact I was sick and she had her period.

    A month after this she told me she wasn’t sure how she felt for me anymore and that she wanted to take a break to work out her feelings. After the break we talked a lot and she decided to give the relationship one month to see if her would change. Over this month we saw each other 3 times (she has shift work so it is hard to see her on weekends). She said she didn’t really miss me and that she doesn’t really love me anymore. She said that pretending in the relationship and keeping up the level of affection was hurting her and it was unfair on me and her that she felt this way.

    Last week she ended the relationship. She said she still wanted to stay friends because she said that our relationship hasn’t felt like a relationship lately it has felt more like we are just really good friends.

    I’ve been doing a lot of begging and trying to get her back. Which I now realize is a mistake and probably only pushed her away further.

    The thing is when we are together, everything is great, I make her laugh, she makes me laugh, we are really happy together.. Even when I saw her last week when I was at her house trying to get her back she play fought with me and wanted me to tickle her and stuff. I see the way she looks at me with such fondness.. When she sees me she instantly smiles.

    She said she still really wants me in her life, but she just wants to be friends.

    Two weeks have passed since the break up and I’m no longer a crying mess every day. I’m starting to move on with my life and I’m making plans to become a better person. I’ve started eating more to gain weight and I’ve started lifting weights. I’m also trying to learn to love myself rather than being needy for other people, since it’s become very clear that I was dependent on her.

    I decided that no contact was the best thing for now, for both my chances for getting her back and it’s best for me so I can move on. We haven’t spoken in a week other than once last friday, I had to talk to her about something important, and I got a chance to talk to her about us.
    From what I can tell, at the moment she is enjoying the space and time free time that comes with being single, she had a friend over this weekend.
    I asked her two questions:
    I asked her if she was interested in getting into new relationship with someone new right now and she answered no not at all.
    And I also asked her if she thinks that after some times and space if she would be interested in giving us another shot. She said maybe, she also said: “Something may not happen, something might x”

    So while a maybe doesn’t mean no, it also doesn’t mean yes.. It does make me hopeful however. But is that hope okay? Should I be hopeful?

    I know that right now there is nothing that I can do to change this situation other than give us both time and space. Pushing her and being desperate is just going to annoy her and push her away more.
    I’m working out, putting on weight and working on myself spiritually so that next time she sees me I will have actually changed for the better.

    If I let go of all hope that we will ever get back together, right now it makes me very sad, and I’m not sure if letting go of ALL hope is wise, because there is some hope.. She said maybe, not no. She has always been the type to give people second chances too.

    What do you think? Should I be a little hopeful?

    I’m thinking of keeping the no contact for 2 – 4 months until I have given myself enough time to get over her to the point where it isn’t going to destroy me if she says no.
    I plan on meeting her for a coffee or to dinner in 2 – 4 months. And if that goes well, continue to talk to her though text and IM and then wait for her to make a move and if she doesn’t I will casually bring it up.

    What do you guys think?

    September 23, 2013 at 3:35 am #42623
    Ke
    Participant

    I’m currently going through a similar situation emotionally. My boyfriend, who had always said he wanted to stay with me forever just decided one day that he wanted to be single forever and dumped me out of the blue. We still live together for now, and things between us are better than they’ve ever been, though he maintains that he doesn’t want a relationship.

    I also hold out hope that one day he’s going to open his eyes and see how wonderful we are together. I am not going to say whether that hope is good or bad, but I will say this:

    You owe it to yourself to be where you are celebrated, not tolerated and she has a reason for not wanting a relationship. We hold on to our emotional attachments because change is painful and losing someone we’ve invested so much in hurts – it’s difficult to adjust. But you deserve someone who is going to celebrate you as you are and life will happen as it’s meant to happen. You need to be honest with yourself about your motivations for wanting her back – remembering that people come into our lives for a reason, and leave for a reason. Trust that if she’s meant to come back, she will, without trying to force it to happen.

    As for your plan to meet her in two to four months: we can never know how much things are going to change in a few weeks, let alone a few months. Keep the plan, but start building your life without her. Focus on growing in yourself and doing the things that make you happy. Continue to build relationships and hobbies without thinking about your “plan”. Life usually has its own plans.

    I’m also holding on to hope, but honestly – I’ve found that focusing on myself and planning without including my ex in my plans is making things a lot better for me. The hope that he would change his mind does sometimes hold me back, because I find myself thinking “If I change in this way, will that make him more likely to take me back.” – and I don’t believe that that’s the right way to live.

    For now, just be where your feet are. Focus on yourself and where your life is right now and let what happens, happen – it will whether you want it to or not.

    “If you are depressed you are living in the past. If you are anxious you are living in the future. If you are at peace you are living in the present. ” — Lao Tzu

    I’m around if you’d like to talk more.

    September 23, 2013 at 5:21 am #42624
    Don’t want to say
    Participant

    I’m sorry for the situation you are in. 🙁

    Two thoughts have come to mind tonight:
    Without pain or challenges in your life there is no growth. I think that situations like these are somewhat of a blessing because they give us the ability to learn valuable lessons about ourselves, other people and life in general. I think this situation will help me grow as a person and make me better in the next relationship that I am in, or if I end up getting back together with her, it will make our relationship much stronger because I will have learned so much about why it didn’t work out.

    This is a really great opportunity for me to work on myself, to learn to love and accept myself. I now see that I was far to needy towards her and that must have been a turn off for her.

    I’m also really underweight, so this is a fantastic chance for me to give it my all and really try my best to gain some weight and to work out and gain some muscle.

    As much as I wish I could do something to get her back, you’re right, anything I do right now is likely just to push her away more. That means that the only thing I can do is step back, give her some space and let go for now. There’s nothing I can do but work on myself to become a better, stronger me.

    I think that maybe once I re open contact with her after some no communication then maybe there is something I can do, like talking to her about it.. But for now. Doing nothing is the best thing I can do.

    September 23, 2013 at 7:23 am #42630
    Matt
    Participant

    Don’t,

    I agree with Ke’s heartfelt and tender wisdom, and find her directions of keeping your attention in the present especially important. As I read your words, a few things came to heart. Consider your words:

    “I’m working out, putting on weight and working on myself spiritually so that next time she sees me I will have actually changed for the better.”

    This is problematic for a few reasons. The most important is that when we use others as a source of our motivation, such as wanting to grow so she sees you in a new way, then we are creating more dependency in our minds. As you work out, she is there. As you eat, she is there. As you grow your meditation practice, she is there. Then in two months, if she sees you, and doesn’t care, all of that dependency will smash into your brain like a lightning bolt. And with it, a huge chunk of your motivation will evaporate.

    Secondly, this world is full of beautiful people, and as you’ve grown and will grow further, there is the potential to have something far more incredible than what you had with her. As you come to love and care for yourself, your inner light will shine brightly and attract a woman that does see and appreciate you. Thinking of the ex will only hold you back, because she is moving on. Her heart closed to you in that way… she is happily exploring her world now, and feels more peaceful without you. She may be the woman that sees your light, sure, but the less you hold to the vision of her and what you two had, the more you let go, the more energy you will regain to be bold and spontaneous with the world around you. That, brother, is where all of the magic rests… all the joy.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    September 23, 2013 at 8:21 pm #42672
    Macintosh
    Participant

    “My girlfriend of 3.5 years broke up with me two weeks ago because she said that she has lost feelings for me and that it was hurting her to pretend to have feelings for me when she didn’t. She said it wasn’t fair on me or her to stay in the relationship.”

    Believe her words. She means them. As much as it hurts you and I see it does you have to let her go.

    With that said, I believe it’s selfish of her to want a friendship with right now, it’s not fair to you because anything she does or says you’re going to read into and give yourself hope. This is why friendships after a break up are near impossible. Maybe in the future once you’re over her and detached, a friendship can happen but certainly not now. You need time to grieve the loss and heal. Having her in your life and spending time with her isn’t helping you, it’s hurting you like her staying in the relationship was hurting her. Time and space heals many wounds.

    Take care and be with those who have your back, friends and family to help you during this time.

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