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Is it me or just her? Need some guidance and advice

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Viewing 15 posts - 106 through 120 (of 164 total)
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  • June 22, 2019 at 11:22 pm #300373
    Michelle
    Participant

    Hey JHK,

    I would agree with you that she needs her space more than you do. Good decision to stop texting her, I hope you managed it this time?

    On your second point, it is hard to tell what she means without knowing the context, the wider conversation.  She may well be trying to build a wall – I would suspect to create some space as so far you haven’t been that good at listening to her and giving her space when she needs it, so she is creating it for herself.

    My view on what you should do you know already – work on giving her that space yourself, so she doesn’t feel the need to create it. Continue to stop the texting, the unhelpful conversations. Talk with her only about new things, things you have done that don’t involve her – these will comfort her that she is not your only support, help her know that you are ok and looking after yourself first.

    Enjoy your day, back tomorrow.

    June 23, 2019 at 12:19 am #300375
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hello Michelle

    I did text her but the details are very light.

    Why does she needs the wall to create the space?

    When she creates this wall to get space, will this friendship be repair? Because I feel that she is distancing herself from me, things just seems so different. Even thought she says she doesn’t need the space? Is it because that if everytime she sees me, she will have the fear that I might ask her all those heavy topics questions again?

    So this space and time is use to repair the friendship? Because both of us are hurt emotionally.

    I feel that I am emotionally draining her somehow, it is like all these dramas are created by me when both of us are involved. I hope we can be close once again.

    Is there a chance that everything can be save or repair?

     

    June 23, 2019 at 1:17 am #300379
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hello Michelle

    To add on, will all these have any effects on our friendship?

    June 23, 2019 at 1:34 am #300381
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hello Michelle

    To add on, this is what I feel:

    Hey, I just want to say I still feel a distance between us, even though we have talked it out. Somehow things isn’t the same as before. I feel that we are still hurting and recovering from the misunderstanding. You are the kind of friend that I don’t want to lose because we have been through thick and thin. We have shared a lot of personal stuff and learn a lot from each other

    I hope that we can be close again as we once are.

    June 23, 2019 at 3:29 am #300383
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hello Michelle

    Just want to add on

    Will my overthinking actually scaring her off? Making her withdrawing herself from me?

    June 23, 2019 at 11:45 pm #300453
    Michelle
    Participant

    Morning JHK,

    So my view – you are still worrying too much about this and spending too much time focusing on it. Just look at how many times you have posted here in one day instead of going out, doing something else. You are often asking the same questions, repeating them, perhaps hoping for a different answer? She senses this, it is easy for her to see you are still anxious over repairing the friendship, still very emotionally dependent and focused on her.

    This is why at this point any more texts or conversations about your anxieties have the opposite effect that you want – they show her you are still anxious, not trusting in the friendship to be strong enough. You need to show her instead how you can take care of yourself, how you can enjoy yourself without her, how you talk with other friends too. So when you do talk to her, it is about new, interesting things, no problem solving, no heavy emotional stuff. These actions will speak much louder than words to her, showing her you are ok. And so eventually, she will trust again that you are strong enough to have a healthy friendship, not an emotionally dependent one.

    At that point and only then you will find you can begin again to talk about more in-depth, personal things as and when it makes sense.  You are missing the connection with her that you had – it will take time to restore and from everything you have said about the situation, I think it can be but only if you can heal yourself first. For example, what did you do yesterday that did not involve you thinking about her? How did you work on your own self-esteem?

     

    June 24, 2019 at 1:00 am #300461
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hello Michelle

    Even though she is in my mind at times, I am feeling ok and was doing my own stuff rather than contemplating on texting her. The urge to text her is overwhelming but I am controlling it and I didn’t. But I did send her a text, a picture that I took and send her. She did reply but afterwards I send a text: did you saw it at the same location as me? She didn’t reply and I did not send a second text to follow up on it.

    I spend time reading books and watched a movie.

    It is because I am too emotionally dependent on her? Maybe I am just too anxious in trying to get things fixed and done, but at work, I am keeping things as normal between us. It is both of us trying to put in effort towards each other. But I was the one that is pushing it hard on her.

    “And so eventually, she will trust again that you are strong enough to have a healthy friendship, not an emotionally dependent one.” – Does it mean that trust has been compromised? Does it mean trust is lost?

    “You are missing the connection with her that you had – it will take time to restore and from everything you have said about the situation” – Is it because of what the misunderstanding, we need some time to heal and recover? Even though she say she is ok, but she is still being cautious.

    Was I too emotionally dependent on her that she is sensing it?

    June 24, 2019 at 1:10 am #300467
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hello Michelle

    To add on

    Because we used to text almost everyday, so it does feels weird why she cut it down a little since last month

    June 24, 2019 at 1:59 am #300471
    Michelle
    Participant

    Hi JHK.

    Good to hear you are better controlling the urge to text her, well done.

    Yes, she is trying to create some distance between you – to go back to a healthy, normal relationship with you. A good thing.

    You can’t force people to be close to you by trying harder. Usually has the opposite effect.

    It can be difficult when your hobbies are activities that don’t involve others, how often do you see your other friends? Meet people outside of work?  I ask because it is important for her to see you have other people in your life, other friends, not just her.

    June 24, 2019 at 2:06 am #300473
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hello Michelle

    Because we used to be close, so she is creating a distance to have space and time so things will be back to normal and it all started because of the misunderstanding I presume? Why is it a good thing?

    Because I am too tense up. Am I being too clingy towards her?

    She does knows that I got friends outside.

    I am thinking that waiting for her to text me is better than I initiate her. She did tell me to be okay last week when I took leave from work.

    I am just disappointed that we used to be so close and good towards each other and things has become so tense up as of now.

    I shared with my colleague about this matter and her views are she is creating a wall to get some space because we are still both hurt, she doesn’t want to get hurt or neither to hurt me. But my colleague told me that all these can be repair since we talked it out and forgive each other. But she say trust has been compromised?

    I do not understand why and which part does trust has been compromised

     

    June 24, 2019 at 2:26 am #300477
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hello Michelle

    To add on

    Am I a controlling friend towards her?

    I do feel that I am controlling

    June 24, 2019 at 4:08 am #300479
    Michelle
    Participant

    It is a good thing because a healthy relationship is good, it helps both people grow, it is something that brings them both happiness. An emotionally dependent one is not good, it stops people from growing.

    People often lose trust when hurtful things are said to them. It takes time to trust that you have both learnt from this disagreement and will handle future disagreements better.

    Why do you feel you are controlling?

    June 24, 2019 at 4:11 am #300481
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hello Michelle

    Do you think I am emotionally dependent on her?

    I feel I am controlling because we almost text with each other everyday in the past. It feels like we are good and know each other that we don’t have to ask about each other everyday.

    She did hurtful things to me, resulting in me saying hurtful things to her so the trust is somehow affected?

    I am worry she might walk away from me, how will I know it?

    June 24, 2019 at 7:49 am #300493
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hello Michelle

    I don’t want to overthink but it seems like she is distancing herself

    What signs to look out for that she is distancing herself?

    June 24, 2019 at 11:13 am #300543
    Michelle
    Participant

    I think this will help;

    http://www.wisemushroom.org/how-to-overcome-emotional-dependency/?site_agreement=yes

     

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