Dear His Shadow:

You wrote that you are trying to fix him so that he will be happy. So far you failed. On the other hand, you are “starting to be like him, miserable and not smiling or laughing… lost of hope, ideas, ways to deal with it.”-

My question to you is, now that you are unhappy, who is going to fix you?

anita

His Shadow,

Just a few questions to ask yourself…Do you really like who you have become? Do you like the effect of your anger has on him? Do you think that by remaining this way will make you or anyone for that matter, happy? Is this behavior going to be a positive contribution to a happy marriage? Do you really want to fix you? Can you? In the event he leaves you because of how he is affected by your behavior, are you willing to accept those results or will your anger continue to grow and carry on to the next relationship? You said, ” i’m starting to be like him, miserable and not smiling or laughing (together of course) and i’m all lost of hope, ideas, ways to deal with it.” Do you understand why this is happening? Shadow if  you want a healthier long lasting relationship with this person, you must answer these questions and answer them truthfully. It has been said that the person we are destined to become is the person we decide to be. This is not just some fancy philosophical saying to  put on a bumpersticker. It is very true.

Take the time to do some serious soul searching and make the necessary changes-if you choose to do so. You will find a very kind loving person buried deep under all those things that are just trash that needs to be thrown out.

Pearce

Dear His Shadow:

It is a myth, an untruth, that men are stronger than women. Men are as weak and as strong as women, we are all a combination of strengths and weaknesses. It is only a social convention, a social expectation that men are stronger. There are physical differences between boys and girls, men and women, but our brains are the same. Men are not superior to women in any way other than physically (and then, not all, and it is of less value in modern society where physical work is less demanding because of technology).

A man is just as “sensitive and fragile” as a woman. Unless he pretends otherwise, becomes “macho” or the like so to fit that social convention.

Regarding your relationship, it clearly reads to me that marriage is not a good idea at this point, not even as a consideration. You simply don’t get along, don’t have “a meeting of the minds”- why get into something that is likely to fail… that is already failing!

You wrote: “are we literally the same person and this is why we cant get along?” No, you are not the same person. You are similar in that you are both human beings, that is all.

You wrote that you both make each other miserable. The question of who is causing it, who is the problem (“Is it me or him?”), is something the two of you tried to answer, his answer is that it is you and your answer is that it is him. My answer: it is the two of you.

You are the problem because you have been trying to fix him, something that is not your job nor is it possible for you. Most importantly: he didn’t ask you to help him change. Would you like it if someone tried to change you without your invitation?

anita

Dear His Shadow:

Even a competent, capable psychotherapist cannot fix a person. I don’t think you can. You can’t change him from broken to fixed (change is still applicable to what you are trying to do).

Even the most competent, capable, hard working psychotherapist in the world cannot fix your boyfriend unless he wants to be fixed. And then he has to do it himself. No one can do it for him. He can be helped by another, but he has to want it, work for it over a long period of time, and pursue the help that is available for him.

I suggest you try to fix yourself, His Shadow. Fix yourself from your ineffective and possibly disastrous motivation to… fix him.

anita