Do I live in a fantasy world?

I’m near 30. Have not had a serious relationship for nearly five years. My relationship previous to my last 5 years of being single was five years. It was a relatively healthy relationship, and despite it being very difficult for both of us, we went our separate ways. It took us five years to admit to ourselves that we did not want the same things. I wanted a family, he wanted to be a nomad. I also focused on my career a lot in my early 20s, thus I worked A LOT. This also put a lot of tension on our relationship, as he hated that I “slaved to the man”. Again, differences in priorities. When he said with tears in his eyes that he was unhappy and wanted to leave, we cried all night. The next day, I thanked him for having the courage to do what I had not, yet, been able to bring myself to.

For the first two years I did not want to date. I knew I was unhappy during my previous relationship. I made my personal motto “I cannot be happy with someone else if I am unable to be happy by myself”. For two years I set out to try new things, meet new people, and focus less on my career (already very well established), and find people that mattered to me. I was successful in meeting some people whom I care for, and some (most!) who are merely acquantainces. At last, I felt well rounded in all areas of my life, except one – a romantic relationship.

I set out to the internet for online dating, and in the past three years have not had anything resembling a serious relationship. I’ve dated some guys for a couple of months at most. Typically I end it because I learn that he does not have the characteristics that I seek in a life long mate. Many friends (and some pushy family) tell me I am too picky, and I take this comment with a grain of salt. I know where my core values lie, what I have to offer my significant other, and know what I am willing to compromise on, and what I will not compromise on.

Now, I ask if I live in a fantasy land because ovbiously after these years I cannot sustain a relationship over any long period of time. I WANT to commit, but I truly feel that I have not found someone I want to commit to. From friends (the ones who tell me I am too picky) I hear about their constant struggles in their relationships – long term, financially committed to each other, no kids, and not married. Over and over I hear them saying that relationships are such hard work, but they love their partner and he or she is a good person and worth it. I’m sorry, but if you are having panic attacks on a monthly basis that require you to go to the ER to get medication to calm down, you have an incredibly unhealthy relationship and really need to take a step back and ask yourself if it is worth it…or at least be willing to seek help and accept that things don’t get fixed over night. I know of many (seemingly) happy couples, ie. my parents, my older siblings, a few select friends, and they sure do not make their relationships look like HARD work. Heck, I asked my mom her opinion on this whole concept and she laughed and agreed with me. I know that relationships are WORK, but to me, if you are with someone you love it should never seem like *hard* work.

I guess I’m just really tired of listening to people my own age go on what HARD work romantic relationships are. I’m starting to get lonely and almost tempted to give in and settle…..but won’t. Ask me after I turn 30, ha, which is also what some friends tell me 🙂 Perhaps I’m a bit cocky and too Type-A-ish, but I am me and have accepted it.

Any thoughts? I am curious to learn both view points.