Hello everyone, this is my first post. I’m having a difficult time at work, the question is, to leave the job or not?

To leave – The job is hard, I lack self-confidence, I get easily stressed and then shout and become angry at my family who are also immensely stressed. When I do feel up for the challenge an argument in the house leaves me crying and shaking and even more unable to face job. Maybe I can be the happy loving Mum they remember and can save the marriage/son from the verbal abuse that started mid lockdown and has a caused a massive change in his behaviour. Job is not what I want to do forever (youth worker with much ambiguity and high targets), although it is a sweet job with a great team if I had the headspace and the confidence for it. What I really want to do is start my own business.

To stay – It’s a pandemic. I have no back up job and only one month’s wages saved (although my husband thinks I’ll be fine as an ebay seller as he brings home lots of stuff from clearances at work). I feel like it’s a challenge set from the Universe in order for me to grow and rise up to the challenge and if I leave I still have to face this challenge. I have faced a similar challenge in my last job, wobbled, rose to the challenge, LOVED my job, felt confident in my role and then left because the employer wasn’t putting the client first. This job was easier in the respect that all my clients lived in four particular places and I had a particular space to run activities from so my clients were easily found and all I had to do was run the (mostly fun) sessions. Now I have to recruit these clients from all over the borough, and there is no set location to run sessions, and the sessions are more independent living skills and less fun. When I found my present job it was like all my Universal wishes had been granted (exact office I wanted, closer to my home, better internet, favourite school Mum and old University friend in one of my offices, lost of hippyish staff like me) so I feel like I ordered this exact job to my specific requirements, to what I thought I wanted. (Now I see I want to work even closer to home, have much less stress, and I don’t like the ambiguity of what my job entails, the greyness, I like to know what I am meant to be doing. I think when I run my own business it won’t be as grey as it will be MY vision, and there won’t be worrisome targets.

So far – yesterday I all but handed my notice in and I felt so light. Then I encountered lots of posts on facebook about imposter syndrome, courses and movies on anxiety, free mental health support, it felt like signs to give it my best shot at work before leaving, and this is how I felt when I woke up this morning, to try and rise to the challenge and give it my best shot. I was looking up confidence and self-belief and resilience training out of the way of the family this morning, and they had an argument about eating breakfast/putting on socks that was so crazy I still ended up crying and shook and then underprepared and not ready to face work today. Wondering whether I should just focus on peace and family and planning new business.

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated thank you.