* an edit: when he told you about having a better connection with the other woman, it may be that he was simply saying out loud what he was thinking, sharing with you his thoughts, not trying to encourage or discourage you, simply verbalizing his thoughts.

anita

Dear Julia:

By confident I don’t mean not sharing your fears, your emotional pain, your vulnerabilities and by directive, I didn’t mean bossy. By confident I mean sharing your … weakness with him while expressing your strength at the same time. What you will be showing him that way is that it is okay for him to feel weak, confused and uncertain while being strong and capable at the same time.

By being directive, I mean telling him what you believe a relationship can be and should be, but do not pressure him in any way, simply tell him and show him what a relationship can be and should be.

If you want you can give me an example of what you shared with him or may share with him in line with my first paragraph here and I will give you my input or suggested editing if needed, how to present yourself to him as weak and strong at the same time.

anita

Dear Julia:

You are welcome.

“I wasn’t in a place to give you that deep connection b/c I’m so fresh out of the previous relationship..” is showing weakness with no strength at all, and a weakness based on faulty understanding. You cant give him a deep connection, for crying out loud. You can’t give it to another person. You are not responsible for him not feeling a deep connection to you. And then you apologize for not giving him something that is impossible to give. Weakness, no strength.

“I want to stay friends”- better not use any labels because he is organizing. Instead say what it is you want with him, what behaviors.

“I learned so much about myself through this relationship with you”- that is good. Anytime you have something honest to say to him that happens to make him happy to hear, say it to him.

“Don’t want to mention the opportunity for future relationship though”- don’t, don’t refer to any particular box, all boxes are open in his mind and there is a mess there. So mention this or that item that used to be in one of his boxes, but don’t mention the box, only the item. For example, you can talk about honesty, this one item, and a most valuable item in any relationship.

“Things are always messy with you, are they messy with me?”- don’t ask the guy with his own mess if he can see your mess. Tell him that you have your mess and elaborate on it, then say how you are dealing with the mess, functioning well anyway, how you are organizing.. and ask him for suggestions, ask him to help you organize your mess. If he feels that he can help you, he will feel some confidence in his ability to help himself.

“He: ‘Why didn’t you share about your pain?’ Me: “Nobody wants to hear about exes”. Fine, you can add to it: do you want to hear about my exes? Why, for what purpose? Ask that not as the therapist you don’t want to appear to be, but because you really want to know why he wants you to share about your exes.

(he may want sexual details of your past relationships for his pleasure or he may want to get to know your motivations better, big difference).

anita

Dear Julia:

“How do I know that it’s enough? That I tied and it didn’t work?”-

– learn. Relationships are not much of a mystery, really, not a thing to get into blindly, find yourself in a dark room and hope that someone will turn the light so that you can see what is going on. Open your own eyes, look at what is happening, learn. Don’t let your fear and hopes and dreams cloud your vision.

Ask questions so that you have the information that you need, listen to his answers, really hear what he is saying, ask clarifying questions, for the purpose of your learning, who he is, what is the situation you are in.

What you need from this man is either there for you at this time or it isn’t. And if it isn’t, there is nothing you can do about it, no magic, and dishonest manipulations (I don’t want to do X and I don’t think I should, but I will do it anyway so that he will do Y), well… these don’t work or if they do, what you get is… not what you need.

anita

Dear Julia:

I don’t know what you mean by “a bit transactional”- can you explain it to me?

anita

Dear Julia:

That is fine, English is not my native language either.

“the relationship you describe- it feels very rational, with hopes and dreams taken out of it”- it is a good idea to use our rational thinking, the part of our brain capable of rational thinking, in a most important part of our lives, relationships. We spend  huge amounts of time and resources on relationships, better invest in relationships more rational thinking than we invest in… let’s say when we choose a bank account that gives us a small amount of interest on our money..

You wrote: “I do have hopes and dreams that I will find a partner for life” in response to what I wrote, to not let your hopes and dreams cloud your vision. It is okay to have hopes and dreams. My point is to dream with your eyes open so that you can make your dreams come true.

“I wonder if he wants me to day that I’m in love with him.. or what it is that he wants to hear”- it doesn’t matter. If you did tell him “I am in love with you”, are these the magic words that will make your dream come true, make this relationship your happily-ever-after?

He is not that powerful, it doesn’t matter what he wants you to say at any time. Keep your eyes (and your ears) open when you communicate with him, look at him and the situation with him rationally. That is, if you want your dreams to happen not just at night when you sleep, but when you are awake. If you want your dreams to come true when you are not sleeping, better be awake and pay attention to what-is in your life.

anita

Dear Julia:

“it doesn’t matter what he wants, it’s time for me to think about what I want”- and if you find a man who wants what you want, then the two of you will work together and help each other bring about what you both want, make your shared dream and hopes come true, together.

I will soon be away from the computer and back in about 15 hours from now.

anita

Dear Julia:

1) “‘I’m not in love with you, don’t worry’.. repeat in a serious setting”- at this point of my understanding of the situation, it doesn’t matter if you say this sentence to him, nor does it matter if you say it jokingly or in a serious manner.

2) “We can keep having sex, and have casual conversations like this”- say if you honestly want to keep having sex with him and you believe it will not hurt you to continue this way (as well as casual conversations).

3. “I don’t want a relationship right now, I need to grieve my breakup, I’m not ready to get in a new relationship”-

– it is possible that as you tell him this sentence, all he cares about is to have sex with you because it is fun for him and he really doesn’t care if you are grieving a breakup or ready to get in a new relationship. It is possible that he will be looking at you as you say this sentence, not taking in your words, and instead, thinking how you look naked and anticipating his sexual pleasure.

4. “I like what we have, just don’t tell me about your other flings, I don’t want to know”- if he really likes having sex with you, I am almost sure he will not tell you about his other flings, if he can control himself, that is and choose what he tells you. It is not too much to ask of a man and a reasonable man will agree to respect this little request.

5. “We can stop this if one of us develop feelings, let’s just be honest about it”- there are always feelings involved in anything we do. A few seconds of this feeling, a few seconds of that feeling, no feeling, feeling for another person, and so on, always a feeling.

anita