Home→Forums→Relationships→Is getting married that important?
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May 31, 2017 at 8:40 am #151370
AnonymousGuestDear Ruby:
“Is getting married that important?”
Society promotes marriage (with a time schedule, so at 30 your time as a single woman has expired…), and most people feel pressure and desire to conform, to comply with social conventions. And so, society pressures you to get married and you, in turn, are pressuring your boyfriend.
Your pressuring your boyfriend to get married has been hurting the relationship.
Question is: who/what benefits you more, Society or your boyfriend? For example, if you were married you would have been invited to that wedding. How important is it for you, to be invited to that wedding?
If you pressured your boyfriend to get married and succeeded but he resented it, would that be for your benefit?
And if you- or him- ended the relationship because of the marriage issue, would that benefit you?
anita
May 31, 2017 at 9:46 am #151380
RubyParticipantHi Anita,
Thanks for your response. I guess a big part of my knows that my relationship is more important than what society thinks but I can’t seem to turn off this mental conditioning that makes me want to get married. I am trying to be patient and give him the time he needs to feel ready, and working with him to resolve our issues. And he does say he feels like he’s getting closer to it all the time and that everything we do now is an investment in the future of our relationship, which I do believe. But sometimes I can’t help falling into negative thinking, like am I just fooling myself? I’ve waited 3 years for him to propose, we’ve been together for 10. But is he ever really going to be ready? Should I just end things and try to find someone that already wants a marriage and kids even if it is not this man, who I love so much. What if I left him and never found anyone else who I loved as much? But then What if my marriage obsession makes me throw away a wonderful, respectful, healthy relationship just because he didn’t want to get married. If I didn’t care about being married to him I think we would have just carried on happily and one day have started a family etc when we were ready and at that part in life. We are committed in many ways already (as we joint own the flat and our lives are entwined) so does getting married even matter? Why has this desire to get married and plan my future taken over my life? How can I get over this obsession sand focus on what’s important?
May 31, 2017 at 10:23 am #151378
ThelotusloverParticipantG’day Ruby
Good to read your writing, its also surprising to me that living in Central London you still feel the pressure to get married within a particular age , else your bio clock will start ticking etc. but hey, I’m no relationship counsellor. Sharing my own experiences from friends, coworkers and surroundings , yes , there are many countries/ cultures where they set up a particular age specially for a female to get married. In your case, I would say you have a great guy w Oh ho believes in equal rights, feminism and rejects the idea of owning a woman only by a ring. It’s time for you to start thinking are you really ready to loose him along with your 10 years of precious relationship or are you going to start meeting others where you never know how long it will take to find someone to click in order to be your future husband. Remember , having a husband doesn’t always mean you have found yourself a life partner /soul mate. Don’t worry about the clubbing bit of your boyfriend, I used to a party animal till my 30,now can’t stand the idea of a club hunting. We all manage to come out of the club scene sooner or later, its temporary. As far as I know, once the couple is ready they can have kids without being married, as in the UK you get to have the same legal right of a married couple to that of a de facto partnership unless you are extremely religious and traditional. Good luck and choose your options wisely.
May 31, 2017 at 10:59 am #151396AnonymousGuestDear Ruby:
Your boyfriend has a negative feeling about marriage, probably not because of a dry philosophical thought, an anti society rebellion, but probably because his emotional, personal experience with marriage. And since he was never married, it could very well be his emotional experience with his parents’ marriage. He probably doesn’t want to be married the way his parents were married.
If his experience living with his parents and witnessing their marriage was very negative, the chances that he will get married with you, and that if he will, that it would be a good idea, are not great, I believe. It may benefit you to find out and look into his experience with his parents’ marriage. This is what I would do, if I was you.
* You wrote: “I am trying to be patient and give him the time he needs to feel ready, and working with him to resolve our issues.”- it may not be at all the issues between you and him that are the reason for his reluctance, but the issues between his parents before he ever met you.
It is fair for you to want to get married, there is nothing wrong with your desire to be married, social convention or not. It is your right. There shouldn’t be pressure placed on you to NOT conform to society’s traditional convention regarding marriage.
You asked: “We are committed in many ways already (as we joint own the flat and our lives are entwined) so does getting married even matter?”- Maybe because him not wanting to marry you means, in your mind, that he doesn’t love you enough. If you researched what I suggested above, you may find out that this is not at all the meaning of his reluctance. If you understand his motivation, maybe the meaning behind his reluctance will change your own motivation.
You asked: “Why has this desire to get married and plan my future taken over my life?”- because it has become your focus. It became your focus, I believe, because of the meaning I referred to above.
“How can I get over this obsession sand focus on what’s important?” – what is important is to understand each other’s motivations: what it is that you need: is it the assurance that he loves you enough; is it to satisfy your family’s expectations… is it the fear of getting old, or a combination of such?
And, again, what is his motivation?
anita
May 31, 2017 at 11:51 am #151400
zeeParticipantI kinda have the opposite situation, but I think it’s still relevant. I’m 25 and single and I used to agonize over what society dictates is the normal timeline of a person’s life. I just haven’t found the right relationship and trying to force something that isn’t right just to fit yourself into a box feels awful. Recently, I tried maintaining a relationship with a person I didn’t actually like that much because I felt like I had to settle down and quickly realized that I wasn’t doing myself a favor. It just became more painful.
I’ve recently adopted the attitude of not worrying about what people think (not just for my lack of relationships, but for everything) and noticed a huge shift in EVERYTHING. Before I do something or say something I’ll ask myself if I’m doing it for ME or to impress/please someone else and honestly I’ve been SO much happier. I’ve been a people-pleaser my whole entire life. I’ve bent over backwards and made myself miserable and broke so many times just to conform to what someone else wants. I realized I am going to regret my entire life if I keep ignoring my own happiness. I also realized that I don’t owe anyone an explanation about anything that I do at all. I am a good, kind person and if I am not hurting anyone, who’s business is it if I do what I want to do?
I realized that the need for societal approval, at least for me, came from a lack of self worth. Relying on approval to feel good about yourself is a quick way to become miserable because literally no matter what you do, people would disapprove of you. You could cure cancer and there would be somebody criticizing you. Once I realized this, everything changed. I rely on my own morals and ambitions to guide me. I can focus on what I actually want to do. I can try new things without the fear of “failure” because I realized that it’s not a failure if I don’t see it that way.
Maybe it’s time to ask yourself why you’re needing the approval of others so badly and instead give yourself your own approval!
May 31, 2017 at 12:34 pm #151414RubyParticipantThanks! You both make some really good points! It’s so weird because I’m not religious (nor do I have a religious family) and there aren’t really any restrictions on us having a family while being married in this country and yet getting married has become my focus. I think even though my family is not religious they hold marriage as highly important. No one in my family has ever divorced (not sure if they’ve wanted to and felt that they couldn’t or anything though!) so I was brought up thinking that marriage was how families worked. Strangely my boyfriend’s family is the same. His parents are still married and seem very happy together. They hold hands in the street still! Perhaps things weren’t always like that with them or maybe he is rebelling against what he grew up with, instead of desiring it like me. I will talk to him more about his past and things though, as there could be more to it that he has never told me. He doesn’t express emotions well (very like my own dad!) and I know there is probably more he is feeling that he hasn’t felt brave enough to tell me. You comments have made me think if I had to choose between a man who is caring and thoughtful but doesn’t want marriage and a man who would get married but not treat me well. I know I would choose the first one. I need to let go of marriage as some sort of ‘achievement’ or ‘happily ever after’ that I see it as, and look at the relationship instead. I love him and I need to remember I have my happily ever after already.
May 31, 2017 at 12:40 pm #151420RubyParticipantHi zee
sorry I didn’t read your comment before I just replied – I was composing my reply too long I guess. I totally agree with you! I am a total people pleaser and I really wish I wasn’t. I am wondering now whether a lot of my wishes and desires for marriage stems from parental pressure. I’ve always been a bit of an over-achiever and now I feel like I’m not meeting expectations (especially my family’s). My younger sister getting married and having a baby was a big catalyst for me feeling like I want to get married. I now question what that is really about!!! I definitely need to sit down and think about whether I want something for myself or for others deep down. Thanks!
June 1, 2017 at 9:01 am #151538AnonymousGuestDear Ruby:
You are welcome. Your family expressed to you their high value of marriage and so, understandably you value it as well. About your boyfriend, you wrote: “His parents… seem very happy together. They hold hands in the street still!” And you went on: “Perhaps things weren’t always like that with them”- maybe not, maybe there were troubles in their marriage, troubles he very well remembers. Maybe they appeared happy walking in the street, holding hands, and people thought they had a good marriage, but he knew better.
Your plan to “talk to him more about his past and things though, as there could be more to it that he has never told me.”- is a good one, do it gently, in a casual tone- approach with caution: we, people, don’t like to talk about what is distressing to us.
anita
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