I work on taking care of myself. I know that I cannot thrive in any sort of toxic environment or relationship. I find that no matter how “good” people are, their behavior is influenced by their environment. At work, people behave on how they are rewarded and how management treats people.

In general, I find it takes too much time and energy to try to understand and explain someone’s unloving behavior. I feel for you for feeling betrayed by him. I know it is very hard to trust someone and they turn on you.

I can only offer is first to give yourself loving kindness and know that there is nothing wrong with you. Also if it helps, that to know we all have our Shadow Self (most people call it being human). It is one of those “lessons learned” for putting your manager up on a pedestal.

It sounds that where you work does not really suit who you are and what you aspire to be. You may want to think about finding a more suitable place so you can thrive rather than work with “crazies.”

Metta,
Mark

I notice that you are experiencing a pattern of working with people who seem to be hurtful and you find yourself attacked and hurt. Perhaps detachment might be a tool that can help you.

Years ago I had an employee that would come to me on a regular basis about the disrespectful ways she had been treated. I started to realize that she was very sensitive and was unable to let things go. People are human. And they are often unskilled in their communications and interactions. But that is not a comment on how worthy you are or how worthy my employee was.

As I watched her struggle I realized that I too would take things too personally and committed to not focus on how others behaved but rather on how I was behaving. Was I respectful? Was I willing to let things go and just move on? Was I being clear in my communications?

Shifting my focus and energy from “them” to me made me feel empowered and I liked the way I interacted. I would at times when I picked up the body language that there was a problem – would ask, “is everything OK?” But a lot of the time I just let people go through what they were going through.

When you asked him if he was still angry – I wondered why you did that? Things had cooled down. What did you hope to accomplish? Sometimes we need to let things go.

Also – the fact that you feel you must defend yourself sounds a lot like you want validation from your manager or others – you want acknowledgment – that you were right. Needing acknowledgement and validation – even when you are right will tend to cause conflict in relationships. I try hard to be self-validating and then I don’t have to have others think I am OK to be OK. Good luck.