Intentionally isolating myself

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This topic has 6 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 8 months ago by Anonymous.

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February 27, 2016 at 11:23 pm #97435

dreaming715
Participant

I’ve been going through a difficult time. I cared deeply for someone and they recently broke-up with me and I’ve had to accept their complete and utter indifference toward me (toward the end of the relationship and afterward they routinely wouldn’t respond to me or follow through on plans to get together).

I also have Lyme disease which has been somewhat manageable but chronic for the past several years. I’m currently working with a regular doctor and a Naturopath to boost my immune system and get the infection under control so my body can heal. The treatments I’ve tried so far have been very, very difficult. Difficult to the point of being housebound and having to stop them all-together.

I feel like I’m in this alone. My immediate family lives almost 4 hours away and they don’t check up on me often. My four close friends no longer live in the same city that I do, except for one that I live with. I’ve been best friends with my roommate for over 8 years and she has been a huge source of support for me… up until recently. We’ve been butting heads which is highly unusual for us. She HATES when I bring up my ex and doesn’t understand why I can’t just let him go. She doesn’t understand the loneliness and heartache because she’s currently in a happy 4-year-long relationship. She also gets very confused when I try to talk to her about my Lyme symptoms. She tells me to push myself when I physically can’t and I’ve had to explain to her what is happening in my body many times. Lately she’s been critical of how I’m not doing enough to fight the Lyme disease.

I honestly feel like isolating myself. I don’t want to talk about my ex to anyone anymore. I don’t want to talk about Lyme or how I’m physically feeling. I don’t want to make anymore efforts to build relationships with people because they just cause me sadness. I just want to fall off the map. I’ve thought about deleting my social media apps from my phone and taking a break from those while I go through Lyme treatment hell alone.

If my roommate, family, or friends ask how I am I’ll just simply reply with “fine.” No one ever seems to understand the emotional hurt I’m going through anyway. I feel alone because ultimately I am alone and there are days like today where I can’t believe this is my life. Five years ago I was thriving with strong friendships and a committed relationship at the time and I was happy and excited about my future. Now I feel like a failure in almost every aspect of my life and I just want to disappear and be alone.

I wish I could be that optimistic, strong, ambitious, happy type of person that my friends and family could admire… but I guess I’m not. I feel like a rock that’s been crushed down to a small, pathetic pebble.

February 28, 2016 at 2:12 am #97448

Matty
Participant

Hi Dreaming715,

Based on this entry and one of your others (Single forever), I notice that your going through a bit of emotional turmoil at the moment. I’m not quite sure what kind of advice you want or need. It seems to me you have put yourself into this mindset now, and nothing can change that. As someone who has been through the bad, once we are in the thick of it, we don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. We just focus on everything that is negative. This in turn pushes people away, not the act of being sick, or lack of emotional support. This is what i believe.

I cared deeply for someone and they recently broke-up with me and I’ve had to accept their complete and utter indifference toward me (toward the end of the relationship and afterward they routinely wouldn’t respond to me or follow through on plans to get together).

The only thing to do is move forward. Obviously, closure is what you need. You want to know the why, you already know ‘how’ you were treated, but you want to know why, right? This is only natural, a question left unanswered. But, even if the answer was given to you, would it make you feel any better? Would you be able to move on faster or slower? Heck, the answer might be so illogical and messed up! So in order to move on, try to accept not that your ex was simply indifferent, but that there was no real reason for him doing that. It might of been, your ex just fell out of love? Maybe he was no longer invested, maybe it became all too hard. Whatever the reason, no answer will satisfy you completely. It’s better to accept that no answer or reason exists.

As for your support network, there are a couple reasons they may be acting this way:
1) they don’t grasp exactly what your going through, maybe they don’t have an interest in understanding
2) They might just have had enough, they have been there for quite some time, like your best mate of 8 years. And now your current feelings are starting to disturb their calm and state of mind. Maybe it’s too much.
3) They have your best interests at hand, however they feel powerless to do anything, since your the one going through everything, so they struggle to do anything and end up doing very little.
All these things come into play at some point. I’m not saying i agree with any of them, but i do understand them. I don’t know what advice i can give you in this regard. All i think you should do is take every day as it comes. Your not alone, you can never be physical alone from people in the modern world. If you have the strength, speak to someone outside the family, like here or seeking professional aid from doctors or counselors.

I honestly feel like isolating myself.

This won’t help your case, pushing yourself further into the corner never helped anyone, unless they wanted to disappear. Do you want to disappear? I think your just struggling to figure out who has your back and as a result, because of your frame of mind, you reckon that no one does. I think if you need help, they will help you. However, day to day, your support network may believe that you are able to handle it. This is actually a compliment, they think you are stronger than your giving yourself credit for. If you push yourself into the corner, you will be very alone. Support and concern are different. TO me it seems that you want concern (understanding and attention) rather than support. You feel that your being overlooked and nor heard. Once again, they could be hearing you but think you can deal with it.

Five years ago I was thriving with strong friendships and a committed relationship at the time and I was happy and excited about my future. Now I feel like a failure in almost every aspect of my life and I just want to disappear and be alone

I know it’s hard not to think about the past, but where you are now is what you should focus on and where you want to be. The past is great for reflecting on things, but making a habit isn’t healthy and clouds your judgement. You are comparing something in the past to know under two different circumstances.

I wish I could be that optimistic, strong, ambitious, happy type of person that my friends and family could admire… but I guess I’m not. I feel like a rock that’s been crushed down to a small, pathetic pebble

Why not make it a goal? Why not aim, everyday to think of something positive, to make yourself smile, do something that reinforces your ambition. Your only limited by your belief in limitations. Don’t be someone others would admire, don’t base your existence on others validation. Unless you want to be a Khardashian! 😉 Be someone that you would want to call friend, be someone you would want to admire. You are strong, if you have the ability to stand up everyday through your current situation, you are strong. DOn’t put yourself down by saying you could do more, be realistic about what you can achieve on a daily basis.

I hope this helped, i’m not sure what i could offer to you. So i might of just rambled.
Sincerely,\
Matty

Keep posting, if you want to ask a question, or have something on your mind, please keep writing.

February 28, 2016 at 4:28 am #97452
Mishy
Participant
Hi dreaming715, me again. I agree with what Matty has said in his post above. Just thought I’d share with you a bit more of my story so you know you are not alone. Up to a couple of weeks ago, I had all these similar feelings of wanting to be a hermit, not dealing with people anymore because relationships are just too hard sometimes and people are a real pain.

I have been married almost 15 years but it’s not in the best state. A year ago, I found out that the other half was having an emotional affair with his colleague who reports to him. I’ve not quite recovered from that experience because they work together still and I am paranoid all the time. Quite a disaster but that’s another story. That was the major reason for that emotional void I had, and attempted to fill with the narcissist “friend”. Almost my own emotional affair in return. I’ve not told anyone this before because I know it’s so stupid and pathetic in some way, so please don’t judge me. I was feeling lonely, unloved and unsupported because similarly, my family lives 7 hours away by plane in another country and I do not have friends who have time for me at all. Everyone is busy with their own lives anyway. I thought that was the friend who could make me happy even if for a short time, even if it was wrong. It was like a drug addiction I had – every time I felt upset, texting him and hearing from him would cheer me up but he also tore me down so many times with his lack of respect for what I thought was a friendship. It wasn’t romantic but he was someone I thought I had a connection with when I felt that I was not connected to anyone else in the whole world.

Why I want to tell you this now is because you are feeling alone and sad as a result of losing that relationship on top of everything else you are going through. However, I’ve learnt now that you cannot tell yourself that you need other people around you to make you happy. You could be in a relationship and not happy, you could be alone but still be happy. The last year has been the worst of my life. I’ve even thought I was depressed but it was really the additional weight of dealing with someone you care about who does not give a damn about you in reality on top of all my other problems.

I’ve spent 4 months trying to get over that “friendship” – obviously time better spent trying to fix my marriage but that’s time past now anyway. As I start to feel a bit better about letting go even though I’ve got no closure (because I really did want to give him a piece of my mind too), I feel more positive each day. I try and be open to letting other people into my consciousness instead of shutting them out with my negativity and unhappiness. They could be new (and most likely better) friends down the road. Even with the other half, I’m still working on telling myself that I don’t need him to make me happy too. I’ll do stuff I want to do, treat myself to nice things occasionally and focus on doing things that I am good at so I feel better about myself. If I have to be alone one day, I know I can cope.

You have a roommate who has been there for you for so many years. Don’t let the arrival and departure of the narcissist you unfortunately met, ruin your other relationships. I know it is hard because I’ve just been there but you will get out of this eventually. Happiness is different things for different people.
- This reply was modified 8 years, 8 months ago by Mishy.
February 28, 2016 at 1:36 pm #97508

Anonymous
Inactive

“I wish I could be that optimistic, strong, ambitious, happy type of person that my friends and family could admire… but I guess I’m not. I feel like a rock that’s been crushed down to a small, pathetic pebble.”

Dreaming, You are definitely NOT pathetic, I see that your heart is hurting and I hope that maybe you can get some clarity soon on what you can do to have the support that you need in all aspects of your well being. Thank you for sharing and posting how you feel. My heart goes out to you!

Please don’t feel that you have to isolate yourself. That isn’t necessary… Try and talk to your ex and open up to her a little bit on how you are feeling. Even if it’s just a small step. People love you for you and you are always loved, regardless , even if you feel you have imperfections.

You ARE that optimistic, strong, ambitious, happy type of person that your friends and family could admire… <3

You are NOT a failure, EVER. You are love & light that is currently walking this earth. To the world you may be 1 person but to 1 person, YOU ARE THE WORLD. <3 You have so much self worth to offer. Take some time to mediate, love yourself, sit out in sun today and relax. Regardless of what you may think or feel, your life is always of value.

And you WILL be thriving with strong friendships and a committed relationship and be happy and excited about your future.

Look everywhere around you at this very moment, there are people on this forum who love and care about you.

Sending lots of love, positivity and light your way! <3

M.

February 29, 2016 at 12:41 pm #97646

Sebby
Participant

I wish I could be that optimistic, strong, ambitious, happy type of person that my friends and family could admire… but I guess I’m not. I feel like a rock that’s been crushed down to a small, pathetic pebble.

Hello. I’m writing this because I am going through a hard time too myself, even though the circumstances are different. Anyway, I’d like to refer to the fragment where you talk about strength. That’s the idea I try to re-define in my life too, so my words may sound empty a bit, but I’ll share it with you anyways.

(TL;DR: You’re strong when you feel weak, but still do what you want to / have to do)

I tend to idealize the image of myself. I divide it to “perfect me” and “real me”. Perfect me is… well, obviously perfect. 🙂 It’s strong, it’s hopeful, it’s full of optimism and hope. And then I look at me and I see this miserable, self-loathing bastard. And guess what. I loathe myself even more. What I have to understand (and you probably too) is that “strength” concept is imaginary. It doesn’t come naturally. And actually strength shows up when you feel like you couldn’t been weaker. But the most important part about it is that you are not strong when you go through life, defeating all the obstacles that get in your way with ease. You will not feel pleasant and happy and content while fighting your fears and inner barriers. I wish it was that way but it’s not. It’s just a wishful thinking. The real strength shows up when you do all you have to do, struggle with all that’s painful to you DESPITE OF lack of energy and faith. Do you know how many times I don’t feel like doing anything? And how often I actually DO NOT do anything? But I’ve noticed that what works for me is to say to myself “get your damn butt off that bed and do something”. And slowly, gradually I gain energy and motivation. When you talk about isolation… Trust me, I know how comfortable “comfort zones” can be and how hard it is to convince one’s self to get out of it. All you want to do is to run away and hide somewhere safe. And be left alone. However staying inside it is the worst thing you can do. Not worst, because >I< say it or someone says it, or it’s some mythical general rule. It’s bad to you.

And you are important. Valuable. And I think very, very hopeful deep down inside. It’s just that at this moment, life is more you can stand. And it’s fine! Really, it is! Nobody has a “good time” all the time. Just remember that this particular, painful situation will NOT last forever. Nothing does. And I don’t know what’s the point in your pain, but I promise you, one day you’ll look at who you are now and you’ll know what was that point. That’s how it always is.

If I was wrong at any point, I apologize. My thoughts and my conclusion don’t have to be right in your case after all. I just hope you don’t hate me right now, after reading this. 😀 Even though I’m at another side of the cable, I wish you all the best. It sounds (totally!) cliche, but I will say it anyways:

I’m sure everything will be alright.

Best regards,
Sebby

March 2, 2016 at 8:01 pm #97864

dreaming715
Participant

Thank you all for your thoughtful responses. So I’ve been trying to see this from the perspective of my roommate/friend. I agree that it’s draining to be around someone who projects sadness, negativity, and hopelessness on a daily basis. Today I genuinely wanted to turn my attitude around. When I saw her after work I said a friendly “hello” and asked how her day was. I was not going to bring up ANY issues or negativity and instead keep the conversation light and positive.

She barely acknowledged my hello and instead started texting on her phone and talking to her pet cat. She didn’t engage in conversation with me or ask how my day was (which is unusual in our friendship). She said she was going to a softball meeting and wouldn’t be back until late, said bye, and left.

I’m honestly hurt by her behavior. She used to knock on my bedroom door and be the type of friend that would burst in and start up a conversation. Now for the past several days she’s been acting distant toward me and going out of her way to not engage in conversation.

I feel left and abandoned in another friendship/relationship AGAIN. In our 8+ years of friendship she has NEVER acted like this toward me. At this point I’m so saddened by rejection/abandonment that my thoughts started going to places of, “When our lease is up should I move out of the city?” “Should I start leaving every night after work and going to Starbucks or wherever to distance myself from her?”

She is the last person I thought should treat meet with such indifference and I’m feeling angry and hurt. Especially when I communicated to her that I was going through a very hard time and just need a little patience and support right now. It sounds dramatic and ridiculous but I’ve just about had it with all people. Life feels too hard and its been this way for too long. Why am I here?

March 3, 2016 at 12:07 am #97867

Anonymous
Inactive

Hi Dreaming,

If she barely acknowledged you when you said “Hello” – At least you are the bigger person to at least look at her and be polite. Maybe you should ask her kindly when she’s home and not running out the door, if you two could sit down and talk.

Maybe something personal is going on in her life that you don’t know about and she’s waiting to share that with you when she has sometime. It might be something really petty or maybe something deep too. What do you think? I’m just taking a random guess because usually aloof behaviors like the one with roommate, means it’s not anything personal about you, It’s about what’s going on with her. Again, try and talk to her when she’s home and not planning on going anywhere.

I’m sure you feelings are hurt because you aren’t used to her behaving this way towards you, that is completely understandable why you feel the way you do. Take into account she may also be respecting your personal space too and doesn’t want to bother you. I’d say wait until you get the opportunity to speak with her first, to determine if she really is in fact trying to, reject/abandon you. Don’t assume the worst yet hun. In the meantime, try and focus on yourself by staying calm & loving towards your delicate heart & soul.

“When our lease is up should I move out of the city?” “Should I start leaving every night after work and going to Starbucks or wherever to distance myself from her?”

No hun that is definitely no necessary for you to move yet out the city, regardless of what your outcome with her is. Unless, you’ve already been wanting move anyway, before all this. Doesn’t matter who it is, the end of a relationship, whether romantic or non-romantic shouldn’t force you to have to leave town. No way, you don’t need to punish yourself like that by moving. If you feel most comfortable at the moment or in the future to go to Starbucks every night or go and stay with another friend, till you’re ready to speak to her. Than that is completely fine & understandable too. A couple of days away and out of your environment from your bedroom/the space you share with her, will help to clear your mind. Don’t do this out of fear though, do it, so that you can clear your thoughts.

“She is the last person I thought should treat meet with such indifference and I’m feeling angry and hurt. Especially when I communicated to her that I was going through a very hard time and just need a little patience and support right now. It sounds dramatic and ridiculous but I’ve just about had it with all people.”

Not everyone behaves this way. Don’t let one person spoil it for you and for the people like us who truly care about others feelings. This entire situation will eventually clear up. For now, just be kind. patient and loving towards yourself. Surround yourself with people who want to love and support you.

Let us know what happens and how you are doing and in the meantime. Remember that you are here because of LOVE. It may not appear that way right now but someone out there, does love you very much. Especially on this forum, there is a lot of love and support here for you.

Sending you so much, positivity, love and light your way. <3

M.
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